My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

RSF--I don't know if you've noticed this....but you do respect Gucci a lot, as you should. But you respect him so much you often ask him to predict the future for you. He can't. He's been through hell and has a lot to teach you, but he can NOT tell you what the outcome is going to be.

I respect Gucci no more or less than I do several of my top council (read: the people who are big enough suckers to keep coming back to my thread ;-)) I often ask Gucci and a few others for clarifications because he offers advice, which I do assume to be valuable, but without any context which I need to apply it. That may make it seem like I value it above others or that I'm asking him to predict the future.

The one thing we all need to realize here is that there is no empirical evidence that the DBing methodology is widely effective or better than another methodology. What we do know is that taking care of yourself is always good and for the cases we've seen DBing successfully save marriages, it works. Gucci has seen it work thousands of times. It may well be the appropriate approach for those thousand cases and may be useless in all others. Right now it is by far the best thing that I have and I'm sticking to it. I do think it's important to understand what we're working with though.

[aliveandkicking]

So RSF- How was IC? What do you think of the substantive issues addressed here on your thread? We can't be "suckers" indefinitely.

[billclay18]

Thanks Bill. One minor correction. I ended the relationship with the other woman because I realized it was wrong. It was wrong to begin a relationship before another had ended. It was wrong to have a relationship when I was married.

I stand corrected. Hopefully your W will come to that same conclusion. I've been in your shoes with my first W and I was so obsessed with her R with OM (proving it because she never admitted it), I wound up shooting myself in the foot and sabotaging any chance we may have had. Even after her R with him ended, I had done nothing to make myself a more attractive option than D.

[RedSoxFan]

So RSF- How was IC? What do you think of the substantive issues addressed here on your thread? We can't be "suckers" indefinitely.

LOL...IC went really well. I have the most awesome guy. He sees right through my personal analytic s, excuses, rationalization, etc. and calls me on it. There seems to be two things going on at lleast that was the conclusion after today...its really not the DBing techniques. IC and I discussed today and zeroed in on the combination of ego/jealousy/control and the fact that my PA was ended not because we didn't care about each other but because it was wrong. Perhaps a subconscious feeling about going back to that relationship if W and I are really really finished forever is making it hard for me to make a long-term commitment to the uncertain situation in front of me. I'm not sure if that makes sense because I'm not sure I understand it fully myself. Make any sense?

[RedSoxFan]

Thanks Bill. One minor correction. I ended the relationship with the other woman because I realized it was wrong. It was wrong to begin a relationship before another had ended. It was wrong to have a relationship when I was married.

I stand corrected. Hopefully your W will come to that same conclusion. I've been in your shoes with my first W and I was so obsessed with her R with OM (proving it because she never admitted it), I wound up shooting myself in the foot and sabotaging any chance we may have had. Even after her R with him ended, I had done nothing to make myself a more attractive option than D.

That is exactly where I spent my first several weeks after finding out about OM. I honestly don't see how it could be avoided. We're only human. I sure wish I hadn't but water under the bridge.

[aliveandkicking]

So RSF- How was IC? What do you think of the substantive issues addressed here on your thread? We can't be "suckers" indefinitely.

LOL...IC went really well. I have the most awesome guy. He sees right through my personal analytic s, excuses, rationalization, etc. and calls me on it. There seems to be two things going on at lleast that was the conclusion after today...its really not the DBing techniques. IC and I discussed today and zeroed in on the combination of ego/jealousy/control and the fact that my PA was ended not because we didn't care about each other but because it was wrong. Perhaps a subconscious feeling about going back to that relationship if W and I are really really finished forever is making it hard for me to make a long-term commitment to the uncertain situation in front of me. I'm not sure if that makes sense because I'm not sure I understand it fully myself. Make any sense?

Sort of. I just don't understand your fixation with making a long term commitment to an uncertain situation. That doesn't really make sense (at least semantically). Read what we are saying in so many different ways here. Even the "About Last NIght" movie reference...it isn't over often even when you commit to it being over. That is part of your very natural and understandable urge to control. But, why not deal with what you have in front of you? You're not about to go marry the OW are you? Go slow, deal with one thing at a time. Is any of this resonating with you? What stands out to you? What can you do about it?

[RedSoxFan]

So RSF- How was IC? What do you think of the substantive issues addressed here on your thread? We can't be "suckers" indefinitely.

LOL...IC went really well. I have the most awesome guy. He sees right through my personal analytic s, excuses, rationalization, etc. and calls me on it. There seems to be two things going on at lleast that was the conclusion after today...its really not the DBing techniques. IC and I discussed today and zeroed in on the combination of ego/jealousy/control and the fact that my PA was ended not because we didn't care about each other but because it was wrong. Perhaps a subconscious feeling about going back to that relationship if W and I are really really finished forever is making it hard for me to make a long-term commitment to the uncertain situation in front of me. I'm not sure if that makes sense because I'm not sure I understand it fully myself. Make any sense?

Sort of. I just don't understand your fixation with making a long term commitment to an uncertain situation. That doesn't really make sense (at least semantically). Read what we are saying in so many different ways here. Even the "About Last NIght" movie reference...it isn't over often even when you commit to it being over. That is part of your very natural and understandable urge to control. But, why not deal with what you have in front of you? You're not about to go marry the OW are you? Go slow, deal with one thing at a time. Is any of this resonating with you? What stands out to you? What can you do about it?

when I was 3 or 4 my mom took me to a softball game where the man she was having an affair was playing. She told me I couldn't tell my dad. I remember it vividly. My parents ended up divorcing and I swore I would never do anything like that, ever. I am known for making decisions and sticking to them. W says that's why she was so dumbfounded when I left and why we knew she should give up when I said I was finished. When I make up my mind, its made up. My family and kids are very important to me. I know that they will be OK regardless but I also know they will suffer immensely from a broken family. There's no way around it. Does that give you some ideas?

[Stronger]

RSF--You should turn to Gucci on this one. I completely agree, but go back and read your questions to him. You are asking him to predict the future. I believe if you listen to him, you may be able to MAKE your future what you want it to be.

Act as if....as if you know you are going to win your woman back.

In the meantime, be good to you.

[RedSoxFan]

RSF--You should turn to Gucci on this one. I completely agree, but go back and read your questions to him. You are asking him to predict the future. I believe if you listen to him, you may be able to MAKE your future what you want it to be.

Act as if....as if you know you are going to win your woman back.

In the meantime, be good to you.

OK, I will give that some serious focus and be good to myself

I am most definitely missing my confidence on this one. Believing in my ultimate success is not there. If I were walking into a board room I'd own the whole deal with zero doubt. On this one...I got nothin

[billclay18]

You spent weeks...I spent 6-12 months...it was over by then. Oh well...kinda funny years later, but at the time...heart wrenching. Point is you know what's going on with OM , W's not lying or playing games. Nothing you can do about it...let her go, live your life and see what happens.