Is my sitch WAS or MLC?

[mac-ct]

IRMAT,
To answer your question as to why the op has so much control...simple, our runaway spouses look to them as saviors, i.e., they listen, validate, affirm and egg them on to do things that they might not have done had they been in their right minds. The op is most likely just like them...seeking someone to feed off of. Euphoria plays a major role in the lusting relationship that they have, true love is very, very different from the endorphins pulsating a high rate of speed. Think about it...young love or puppy love, people go out of their way to impress the op and will do or say anything for that special attention. Control? Yes, the op person uses that euphoria to get what they want. When the endorphins settle down, that's when the curtain on this show goes down, lights come up and the real relationship begins w/all of the warts and scars showing.


Do not worry about the control issue, it will crack some day when and if they come to their senses and they see the light of day once more.

Ahhhh snodderly,

Thank God I decided to have a travel round the threads here instead of sticking to newcomers. Your kind words for innishannon have struck a chord. And given me focus again.

Thank you for this.

innishannon, read this post again and again. There is no rational reason why your H (or my W) does these things. Guilt may play a large part in it. Trying to get "attention" may be another. We just don't know.

Stay strong, have faith.

(((((innishannon)))))

I'm off to my newcomers thread to paste (I'll post you a cheque snodderly)

Mac

[innishannon]

Dear Sandi, Snodderly and all the wonderful people here on DB

It has been a couple of months since I have posted. I havent forgotten your kindness and wisdom but things have been so difficult I guess I wanted to have a little private time.

My thread is above for you to read. My husband is still in the fog; it has gotten worse. We now only email. I went dark (no contact verbally or physically, just email) three months ago and he has not questioned it. Doesnt ask how I am, nothing. It is better for me; I am still traumatosed at the thought of contact with him. But it just brings home how determined he is to delete me from his life.

The OW is now apparently not working for him anymore; the company was supposedly going down the toilet and he had to let her go (professionally). He has also just rented his own apartment so it doesnt look like he is officially living with her; ten minutes from our house and our D8 school. He bypasses me, wants nothing to do with my life, hasnt even told me where the apartment is.

Is this really MLC? Last Tuesday he broke down in front of my Mum (who is still here), sobbing uncontrollably. His sister is dying and he is petrified that I will take our D back to Australia where I am originally from. He keeps saying that if I want to kill him that is the way to do it. I could never do that to him or our D and have never given him reason to think this.

he is refusing to pay me money, has left me with no money to eat and I had to freeze the mortgage so the bank doesnt foreclose.

How do I hold out hope. He is so determinedly going ahead and he seems to have left me behind. Its been 9 months and I am still in grief. He is still with OW, has his own place now (even though all of his things are still here in the house, he hasnt tried to collect them).

My hope is fading, how do I stand strong? Is it MLC?

I hope that all of you are OK, I will reengage with al of your threads.

Blessings
Innishannon

[MrBond]

innishannon,

I was just thinking about you tonight. Funny. I am so sorry to hear how things are going for you, but you need to leave to go back home.

He doesn't help pay for food and lodging for you and for his D, so you need to take care of yourself. You CAN'T let him continue to walk all over you. HE says he will die without D? Well what about you? Without food and a place to live, YOU will die.

It was his decision to do this to you. Take your D and protect yourself. This man is toxic. I said it before when you first came here and I had a feeling it would get worse because you gave too much in to him.

Protect YOURSELF and your D. Do you want your D to learn that this is how a H treats his W? Do you want her to find a H like that?

[innishannon]

Dear Stuck,

Thanks for your message; I remember you were one of the first people to write to em back in February and your insight meant and still means a great deal.

Yes, he is toxic, and I wish I could be grounded in that. He has become more and more problematic, or at least that is the way that I read things in the last 9 months.

I have been fighting like a warrior to protect me and our D8 over the last few months. She has gone through an horrific time. She has been put through so much. I have managed to limit H's access time with her to 3 days a week, he has fought tooth and nail on this but I have managed to sustain it. He is furious aht I have fought him this hard. Je is still under safety order but now taht he has his own apartment I dont know whether it us taht relevant any more.

I have detached to a certain point. I havent spoken to or seen him in three months. This does not seem to bother him. that fact for some reason has broken my heart even more; it seems to invalidate anything that I have meant to him in the last ten years.

He has turned into a cruel, heartless, unfeeling, cold, disinterested person as far as I am concerned. He has deleted me, and only me from his life.

I am left, after 9 months wishing I was further along but am filled with grief. The only thing I am proud of is that I have managed to keep my daughter, protect and raise her in great adversity, and I have managed to stay true to my word that I want him no where near me.

I simply dont know what else to do. I dont know what to do with this grief. I am working again but I cant make ends meet. My health is an ongoing concern. for the first time in my life I feel defeated; I am not this sort of person.

You are right; I dont want my D growing into a marriage with a mna like my H has become. I dont want her thinking taht it is Ok for men to do this to women. But my H is very crafty, very intelligent, very good with text/words, works in theatre etc. I feel overwhelmed at times. I wish I was stronger

I x

[MrBond]

You ARE stronger. There's nothing stronger than a mother who is defending her child. If you could go through childbirth, you can go through stepping up to your H.

Dig deep down and remember the pain and the work you did to give birth. Let that strength come out in your voice and in your walk. First thing you need to do is look at yourself in the mirror. Then straighten your back, square out your shoulders, look yourself in the eye and say "I am strong". Once you're comfortable with that, put a picture of your H on the mirror, look him in the eye and say "I am strong". Say it loud and proud. You'll find the strength coming back into you. Sometimes it takes just a little effort to make you feel better.

"I have detached to a certain point. I havent spoken to or seen him in three months. This does not seem to bother him."

At this point it shouldn't bother you either. Detach and live your life. Move back home where you have the support of others who actually care for you. If he cared that much about his child, then he will move with you. NOT the other way around.

[innishannon]

Stuck,

I wish I could move back home but its almost impossible. I have been living here in Ireland for a bit over ten years. My H and I married in January 2003; I moved to Ireland to be with him. If we hadnt married I would be in a stronger position in that I would have full custodial rights to our daughter. As it stands he can prevent her travelling out of the jurisdiction. he stole our D's Irish and Australian passports in Feb; I am also dual citizenship dual passport; my H is just Irish.

I feel trapped. I miss Australia yet I have made this side of the world my home for the last 14 years (I was 4 years in London before I moved.)

Yes. I have family and people who love me there. But I have had another family here; my H and his family, his two daughters from his first marriage etc, I have bee completely cut off from them.

Detach and live my life. I guess I dont know what my life is now. My life was my family here. My life is now just my daughter and my mother here in Ireland. I do have wonderful friends but I miss a family atmosphere.

I guess I am tired of battling. I am not a combatative person but I have had to defend rigorously in the last 9 months. He has accused me of being unstable; suicidal, an unfit mother etc. This is hard to take. He has lost sight of the person that I really am.

I x

[job]

I am very sorry to hear that he's gotten far worse than a few short months ago. He's traveling downt the crisis road, and yes, he's exhibiting a lot of mlc traits. The crying tells me that he's a very confused puppy. His sister is dying and he's in denial and doesn't want to accept this. Also, it bring mortality more in his face than ever before.

Now, about the passports. You can always request new ones. Be honest and state that you do not know where they are at the moment or they were taken. You need to protect yourself and start planning for your future and your daughter's. Do not rely on this man for anything. You have to be the stronger one now.

Ireland should have some type of laws to help you and your child. Have you checked into this? It's time to start doing more research and find some support groups that help people in just your type of situation. Your h shouldn't be allowed to get away w/not providing for his family.

Please take care of yourself.

[innishannon]

Dear Snodderly,

Its wonderful to hear from you, thank you.
Because D8 is young under Irish law if a passport is stolen/lost BOTH parents need to sign the application for replacement. I have rung the Australian Embassy here in Ireland and its the same with the Oz passport.
I know that I need to protect myself but I dont know which way to turn.
I am not sure whether you remember but I have won a Fulbright award and a visiting fellow to Harvard University. My solicitor is putting in an application for me to take our D with me there from end of Jan 2010 to end of June 2010. There would be regular access with H, d would spend all of Easter in Ireland, H would come to the states 3-4 times, I would travel to Ireland 2 times. This is a hard decision, is it right for D? Too much instability? Or a wonderful opportunity (my Mum and my aunt would accompany us so she would have a ready made family unit there.)
I have felt immoral making this application but maybe it could be the best thing under the circumstances.
Its a hard road Snodderly but I have to be honest, I am so glad to be back here again, amongst kindred spirits.
Thanks for your kindness and support
I x

[job]

I,
I would do the fellowship. You worked extremely hard for this and you shouldn't allow your h's crisis ruin your opportunities. I realize that you are concerned about your daughter, but this just might be the break that all of you need to heal and get back on your feet. She will still see her father and be in communication w/him. Who knows....he just might appreciate her being his daughter if she's out of his sight for a while.

Think about it....I think you should do it!