Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

I've been reading other threads to catch up a bit since I've not visited here in awhile..I'm not sure who is reading my thread but I thought maybe some retrospective hindsight might be helpful.

When H was having his affair, I snooped and drove by OW's house. Once H moved back he said that the OW had gotten a bit paranoid about me when she found out I drove by her house and my H defended me and said I wasn't a 'stalker'..which I think is funny now since I sure was acting a bit like one!

The OW didn't seem too interested in me, only asked once what I looked like...Wasn't interested at all in our children. She was very manipulative and definitely kept her own full life going and H was only a side attraction from the sound of it.

H has said he appreciates my stability. When he finally opened up to me(after the OW dumped him) he was 'amazed' that he could share things with me as he had for months felt that he had nothing to say to me. (I listened alot and validated constantly!) So the lesson there is that patience pays off-its the hardest part of this journey but probably has the biggest payback.

Letting our spouses lead the trip to therapy/counseling is key-it has to be their idea in order to succeed-at least in my case.

Best thing I've learned to do(most of the time) is stop mothering and taking care of H. Letting him "grow up" although painful to watch, is key.

H still has a rocky relationship with our daughters since they both were very hurt by the separation-I try to give them all as much alone time as I can. Things are slowly healing there(I hope). This still hurts him tremendously-to realize the disconnection with them.

Some of the 'complaints' H had about me were valid and where I've addressed them, we've had a better coming together(I lost weight/become more active/initiate sex more/mother less/and try to listen better/communicate more clearly...)

Just in case anyone was trying to glean info/help as I used to do I thought this might be somewhat helpful. There is sure a lot of experience on this forum and following people's histories/threads has been extrememly helpful to me. Thanks guys!