I got a little confused about your H's EA with young girl. Is that over? Then you found out about his porn. Was that an accident or were you trying to find out about him and involvement in an A?
I'm thinking that if he did not delete his computer activity, then he wasn't trying that hard to keep the porn a secret. BTW, do you have children?
Can you tell me your ages and how long you've been M? Thanks.
Liz, I've learned that people should never make promises unles they know 100% that it will be kept. I feel so strongly about promises b/c I've seen people in such a habit of saying, "I promise" to their children and don't even think of the effects of broken promises to them. Anyway, to make a promise or to ask one from your H is not a good ideal. For one, I suspect he is addicted to porn and just b/c he "promised" never to watch it again.....simply means that he will have to be more secretive about it.
Your H must be really sexually HD and he may feel that he needs something "more" than he could ask from his W. You were really disgusted at what he looked at and I don't blame you. But for some who have been addicted to this (or so I've read) after a while, it takes a certain intensity or level to do what it use to do at the beginning stages. He probably knew you would be completely shocked and disgusted at the content of what he was viewing. I'm not making excuses or saying it is a good thing, but just trying to help you see this from another angle.
As far as cheating......that would be like expecting him to never look at another woman he passed on the street and wonder what she looked like naked. Maybe you "do" expect that from him, but if you do, then you are not being realistic. That is why I wondered about your age. I would have felt the same way when I was young in my M b/c I simply didn't know how men were and how their minds opperated. He can't stop thinking and you might as well ask him to stop ever thinking again. Your H can work at controling things in his life (and his mind) but as a man, I doubt he considers it cheating to look at porn. As long as he's having a good R with you and not using porn to replace his intimacy with you.....I don't think you'll make him see it as cheating. He will just agree and continue what he's done for since discovering male hormones.
Now his behavior with OW is different. You should expect him to stop any and all inappropriate behavior with OP immediately! Did you discuss the young girl with him or just the porn? His watching porn may trigger his EA for OW....or the other way around. I had to learn what triggered my desire to flirt over the Internet. I had to completely & immediately stop feeding that hidden "thing" in me that seem to drive me to do what I did. I don't have any desire to do that now, but if I started doing the things that triggered it....I would be right back to the place I found myself before....I believe.
I don't remember your past thread, but you said your H lied a lot to you. I know you feel more secure by trying to ge him to make promises, but I hope you can break away from that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
