FYI, her coming back, but coming back all negative is a positive sign despite the negative part.
IMHO, go re-read Coach's post.
Thanks Dia. Trying to understand what you're saying. W didn't really go anywhere in my case, so I was thinking that her asking to completely end things was not good. I guess this is the only place where she has offered up her feelings, needs, etc. so maybe that is positive.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
RSF--I don't know if you've noticed this....but you do respect Gucci a lot, as you should. But you respect him so much you often ask him to predict the future for you. He can't. He's been through hell and has a lot to teach you, but he can NOT tell you what the outcome is going to be.
The constant theme with Gucci, Puppy and A&K, in my frankly educated opinion, reading here as much as I do, is self respect. In the end, they want to walk away with it.
Let's say this doesn't end in reconciliation, being able to walk away with your self respect and dignity is pretty huge. All of their advice is rooted in that. Not their ability to fortune tell....if they could, I would round them up and make millions!
Gucci said ignore it. I agree. Ignoring it is your best option.
We have no idea what the outcome would be if you ignored it. But we do know, you still have your self respect going that route. Get it?
OK, but why would you ignore it and what would you expect to happen next? What would you expect the outcome to be?
I would ignore it because I have found in my life and observing thousands upon thousands of these things, that ignoring it is what works the best. I am all for what works and totally against what doesn't......
What would I expect the outcome to be?
My attitude is.....
"They ALL come back"
"Women are a dime a dozen.. I always have a dime in my pocket"...
"HMMM,,,, Maybe this IS for the best... Now I can watch sports, have my hobbies, be clean or be a slob, go out when I want, stay home when I want, see who I want, not see who I don't want, play golf when I want.. ETC ETC ETC...."
YOUR attitude is... "she is the only thing I want and the only thing I can think about"
No wonder you are depressed thinking like that... Who wouldn't be?
Go get a life and have some FUN... Go out and mingle... Find some fun hobbies. Quit moping.....
What more can I tell you? This isn't rocket science. Do what works.
Let her go. If she wants the divorce.. SO BE IT.. Shrug your shoulders (so to speak) and admit that you may have blown it, let her go and move on down the highway...
FIND SOMEONE ELSE.....
I find it fascinating that you don't see what happened when SHE let go.
YOU CAME BACK...
You aren't going to know UNTIL you let go..
Letting go IS a choice...
Funny thing is that once you let go, you really WON'T care and it is likely that she may come back then...
Check out AFWAW's thread... Pearl Harbor's thread... Joshua Robert's thread... Steve McQueen's thread....
Then go check out the threads of people who can't let go.... Notice and observe that the ones who DO NOT let go are the ones that are NOT having success...
The pattern is CLEAR. Follow reality.. Follow what works...
What works is to STOP trying and to shrug your shoulder and walk the other way...
Go watch the movie with Rob Lowe and Demi Moore... "About Last Night"
They fall in love.. move in together. He suddenly misses the single life and wants some space... She GIVES him the space and moves on with her life (secretly crying her eyes out)
He wakes up and wants her back. Tries desperately. She tells him again and again it is over. He keeps trying. She keeps rejecting him telling him it is too late...
He FINALLY realizes that she doesn't want him. He moves on and starts a business he had already been interested in... Leaves her alone...
Meanwhile, she is missing him still. Her BFF finally tells your to quit whining and crying about him and make an effort....
The last scene is when she COMES to him... when he was playing softball. She goes by on her bicycle..... She stops.. Walks over..
They talk...
The end of the movie they have set up a date to meet again..
As they both walk away from each other....you can feel that they ARE going to get back together...
It WAS the time apart. The time of leaving each other ALONE to their thoughts is what brought them back together...
Let her go RSF.. She told you she wants to proceed with the divorce. By fighting against it you are showing more of the same selfishness that got you here..
"don't get a divorce, give me what I want. Not what you want. I don't want a divorce, I don't want you to see the other man, I don't this....""""
Here's my deal. It is not about self respect. It is about my sanity and my ability to live without being constantly manipulated or influenced emotionally by H's behavior. I want to be happy.
This is not about being able to walk away with my self respect and dignity. I feel completely humiliated when I look at my sitch from that vantage point, it is too amorphous and whimsical...self-respect, dignity, self-esteem, ego...they're just words.
No, what I want is to do what works for me, knowing that my head and my heart are in the right places, knowing that I am not out to one up anyone, pay back, get him back, screw him over, turn him on (well, maybe a little) but overall, what this means is the following. I did NOT feel ok about picking H up from the airport, I knew objectively that it was unreasonable because it felt unreasonable and I could trust my feelings because I have worked hard to get to this place where I know my intentions are clear. I did feel ok having brunch with H and the kids that same weekend. I have ignored many correspondences and when H prodded "oh, so you're not answering my texts or emails" with his smirk on his face, I answered very cooly and amicably, "I always answer if you ask me a pertinent question or if something needs addressing. Certainly let me know if I haven't responded to something important and I will." Done, no fight, no weirdness. Different circumstances require different responses, it is life.
RSF- you do have to ebb and flow, you do have to ignore sometimes and respond others. Some will of course vary in their opinions as to what to do when and the truth is, the advice is still pretty much the same. Get your head screwed back on, stop with your agenda, stop going by HER reactions and go by YOURS. That is a big one for me. Often monitoring results is more about seeing what works for you and stabilizes you, not her. Get that?
If you love her, if you love yourself, you do have to work on your ego...just know that you've taken a hit here and stop hanging on to it. You don't have to aim for cocky, just do what you can to feel self-assured and stable whether that includes dating, working out, meditating, therapy, your call.
OK, but why would you ignore it and what would you expect to happen next? What would you expect the outcome to be?
I would ignore it because I have found in my life and observing thousands upon thousands of these things, that ignoring it is what works the best. I am all for what works and totally against what doesn't......
What would I expect the outcome to be?
My attitude is.....
"They ALL come back"
"Women are a dime a dozen.. I always have a dime in my pocket"...
"HMMM,,,, Maybe this IS for the best... Now I can watch sports, have my hobbies, be clean or be a slob, go out when I want, stay home when I want, see who I want, not see who I don't want, play golf when I want.. ETC ETC ETC...."
YOUR attitude is... "she is the only thing I want and the only thing I can think about"
No wonder you are depressed thinking like that... Who wouldn't be?
Go get a life and have some FUN... Go out and mingle... Find some fun hobbies. Quit moping.....
What more can I tell you? This isn't rocket science. Do what works.
Let her go. If she wants the divorce.. SO BE IT.. Shrug your shoulders (so to speak) and admit that you may have blown it, let her go and move on down the highway...
FIND SOMEONE ELSE.....
I find it fascinating that you don't see what happened when SHE let go.
YOU CAME BACK...
You aren't going to know UNTIL you let go..
Letting go IS a choice...
Funny thing is that once you let go, you really WON'T care and it is likely that she may come back then...
Check out AFWAW's thread... Pearl Harbor's thread... Joshua Robert's thread... Steve McQueen's thread....
Then go check out the threads of people who can't let go.... Notice and observe that the ones who DO NOT let go are the ones that are NOT having success...
The pattern is CLEAR. Follow reality.. Follow what works...
What works is to STOP trying and to shrug your shoulder and walk the other way...
Go watch the movie with Rob Lowe and Demi Moore... "About Last Night"
They fall in love.. move in together. He suddenly misses the single life and wants some space... She GIVES him the space and moves on with her life (secretly crying her eyes out)
He wakes up and wants her back. Tries desperately. She tells him again and again it is over. He keeps trying. She keeps rejecting him telling him it is too late...
He FINALLY realizes that she doesn't want him. He moves on and starts a business he had already been interested in... Leaves her alone...
Meanwhile, she is missing him still. Her BFF finally tells your to quit whining and crying about him and make an effort....
The last scene is when she COMES to him... when he was playing softball. She goes by on her bicycle..... She stops.. Walks over..
They talk...
The end of the movie they have set up a date to meet again..
As they both walk away from each other....you can feel that they ARE going to get back together...
It WAS the time apart. The time of leaving each other ALONE to their thoughts is what brought them back together...
Let her go RSF.. She told you she wants to proceed with the divorce. By fighting against it you are showing more of the same selfishness that got you here..
"don't get a divorce, give me what I want. Not what you want. I don't want a divorce, I don't want you to see the other man, I don't this....""""
I'm on the road today. Finally got the iPhone to authenticate.
Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
More later.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
"HMMM,,,, Maybe this IS for the best... Now I can watch sports, have my hobbies, be clean or be a slob, go out when I want, stay home when I want, see who I want, not see who I don't want, play golf when I want.. ETC ETC ETC...."
YOUR attitude is... "she is the only thing I want and the only thing I can think about"
No wonder you are depressed thinking like that... Who wouldn't be?
Go get a life and have some FUN... Go out and mingle... Find some fun hobbies. Quit moping.....
Great advice. Live your life, enjoy your new found freedom. That's what I'm doing. I can do what I want when I want...as can my W. I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks and I've made the most of it. Do I miss her? Yep. Would I love to hear from her? Not sure. Do I think she'll come back? Probably not...nothing I can do about it...her choice. I do know that sitting around pining for her isn't going to change anything nor is it good for me.
BTW...About Last Night is one of my all time favorites. Really shows how differently men and women view relationships, the fears, hangups...how poorly friends can influence us...plus Jim Belushi is despicably hilarious. Every guy has a friend like him and every woman hates him. Elizabeth Perkins is a piece of work too. A must see for all.
Last edited by billclay18; 09/18/0907:42 PM.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
