The ironic thing this weekend was that we had plans to go out to a concert club on Sat with a friend of H, and H is the one who decided at the last minute he would rather stay home and putter around on his home improvement project. I wasn't excited about seeing this particular group, but hey, it's a night out. (This was H's idea- he's a HUGE pink floyd fan. This group plays Pink Floyd covers in the polka genre. Seriously. Polka Floyd. And the show wasn't even at the Lion's Club in Parma either- it was at a main-stream concert club. Find me in the alt and I'll send you the link if you don't believe me)
Sometimes I wonder if H has depression issues at the root of his sleep issues. He had the apnea and sinus surgery a couple years ago, but he still has issues with insomnia a few days every month. He didn't seem to care much for that idea when I suggested it.
Just wanted to say that I am glad to hear that you are making a list of requirements. I think this is a nesseccary thing so that you can see where you want to be and have something to hold onto if/when things get tough.
Hang in there girl...you have got strength that you are not aware of yet. I have confidence in you to make the right choice at the right time.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
H’s spirit looks like it is a bit broken, and I’m part of the reason. A little background- his father died suddenly and unexpectedly last fall, which caused a tremendous amount of strife between H and his siblings. There are still a lot of hurt and angry feelings lingering between them- it got really nasty. There is some estate business that needs to be taken care of (photograph sorting), and H really does not want to deal with it but has to. That’s one reason I didn’t pursue discussions last year with H- I have been having these feelings for a long time. I didn’t want to kick him or abandon him while he was down, and stood by him thoughout that ordeal. So that’s one thing on his mind- he has to deal with his family in the next few days even though he doesn’t want anything to do with some of them.
Another thing- remember I mentioned that H changed the password on our couple’s profile? I wanted to know what he had done with it, but I really didn’t want to ask him, after all, he didn’t say anything about changing the password and I wasn’t sure I could trust what he said. The only way I could see what was going was to set up my own profile on the website (I tweaked the details enough to make it not obviously me). I never contacted H’s profile to try to cause any drama, mine is just there so I could keep an eye on things. (Side note- if I ever do decide that all I want is NSA sex, all I have to do is give the word. I got 30+ messages from horny guys in those first couple days. I’m sending out apologies now to them – “Sorry, I’m not ready for this like I thought I was.”) Anyways- prior to my setting up my own account, H was checking his profile almost everyday. It shows when the person was last online. Since I set up my profile, H hasn’t been on in 5 days- that’s so not like him. Either he saw my profile, realized it was me and that I can kinda watch him, or he’s in a general funk. It could be either. Now I’m deciding what to do with that profile- do I keep an eye on things until I know for sure where things are headed with us, or just let it go now? Now that I know the profiles were not deleted, do I even care what H is doing?
And of course, having to deal with the MC is another strain on him. I reminded him of our appt on Tuesday, and he said OK, in a very down, blah tone.
My IC asked me the other day if I wanted to work on things with H. I’m not sure that I do, actually I’m pretty sure I don’t, and I am having a hard time admitting that to myself and acting on it. I’m supposed to do the right thing and try to save my marriage, right? My mom thought I was closed minded about the MC. I think I’m skeptical, not closed-minded. And so now I’m feeling like just another WAW, one of the many described on this site because I hear myself saying a lot of the same things they do. The LBH’s are seeing through the BS and calling them out on it. It makes me wonder if my justifications are also. (I know they aren’t, my circumstances certainly don’t match theirs, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.) With H feeling downtrodden, it’s not so easy for me to maintain my justifications for wanting out. I don’t want to see him hurting. Just because he’s feeling down, I need to remember nothing has actually changed, right? I need to see and experience any changes before I let my guard down.
I don’t want to soften my resolve. I don’t want to go back to what I was feeling and doing before, and so I went and re-read some of my posts from earlier in this thread. I was practically screaming in that very first post (could you tell?). I know I need to find it within myself to keep going with the changes I made, not count on the negative energy to keep that going. I need to learn to trust myself- my thoughts, my feelings and my changes.
Please spend time working with your IC on this feeling. It will kick your ass time and again whether you are with your H or someone else who knows how to make you feel guilty.
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H’s spirit looks like it is a bit broken, and I’m part of the reason. A little background- his father died suddenly and unexpectedly last fall, which caused a tremendous amount of strife between H and his siblings. There are still a lot of hurt and angry feelings lingering between them- it got really nasty. There is some estate business that needs to be taken care of (photograph sorting), and H really does not want to deal with it but has to. That’s one reason I didn’t pursue discussions last year with H- I have been having these feelings for a long time. I didn’t want to kick him or abandon him while he was down, and stood by him thoughout that ordeal. So that’s one thing on his mind- he has to deal with his family in the next few days even though he doesn’t want anything to do with some of them.
I'm going out on a limb here and thinking that H is one of the reasons H has problems with his family. Poor H. Bunny, this man has no empathy for anyone but himself. He has shown you ZERO empathy in your situation. NOT ONE CRUMB. His spirit is broken??? Because he's not getting his way? Then I guess that IS your fault, that he can't get his way. A spoiled three year old is someone who's spirit is broken from not getting his way.
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Another thing- remember I mentioned that H changed the password on our couple’s profile? I wanted to know what he had done with it, but I really didn’t want to ask him, after all, he didn’t say anything about changing the password and I wasn’t sure I could trust what he said. The only way I could see what was going was to set up my own profile on the website (I tweaked the details enough to make it not obviously me). I never contacted H’s profile to try to cause any drama, mine is just there so I could keep an eye on things. (Side note- if I ever do decide that all I want is NSA sex, all I have to do is give the word. I got 30+ messages from horny guys in those first couple days. I’m sending out apologies now to them – “Sorry, I’m not ready for this like I thought I was.”)
Side note to Bunny: you don't have to apologize to horny strangers. You could have just ignored them. Again, speak to your counselor about this need to solve other people's feelings.
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Anyways- prior to my setting up my own account, H was checking his profile almost everyday. It shows when the person was last online. Since I set up my profile, H hasn’t been on in 5 days- that’s so not like him. Either he saw my profile, realized it was me and that I can kinda watch him, or he’s in a general funk. It could be either. Now I’m deciding what to do with that profile- do I keep an eye on things until I know for sure where things are headed with us, or just let it go now? Now that I know the profiles were not deleted, do I even care what H is doing?
I think looking is just driving you crazy right now. You can't/don't trust him enough anyway for it to give you a clear picture, as you said, maybe he knows you're checking, as you let us know the interesting information that he has utter control over all the computers you own. Anyway, whatever you find out, you will always be second guessing whether it's good or bad.
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And of course, having to deal with the MC is another strain on him. I reminded him of our appt on Tuesday, and he said OK, in a very down, blah tone.
Boo f**king hoo. Bunny, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF. You feel guilty that he feels bad that you have a MC appt?????????? Read that 17 times. Clearly H feels so sorry for himself right now that he doesn't need anyone else to feel sorry for him too. That's one big pity party he's having all by himself. Too bad he never feels sorry for you.
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My IC asked me the other day if I wanted to work on things with H. I’m not sure that I do, actually I’m pretty sure I don’t, and I am having a hard time admitting that to myself and acting on it. I’m supposed to do the right thing and try to save my marriage, right?
What's the right thing for Bunny and her integrity and her spirit and her self-worth? That would be the right thing. I think you're deeply terrified to just admit to yourself that you DON'T want this anymore.
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My mom thought I was closed minded about the MC. I think I’m skeptical, not closed-minded.
Right, you're beginning to know yourself, and your own mind. Please stop doubting yourself. Did your parents often encourage you to doubt yourself? Someone must have.
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And so now I’m feeling like just another WAW, one of the many described on this site because I hear myself saying a lot of the same things they do. The LBH’s are seeing through the BS and calling them out on it. It makes me wonder if my justifications are also. (I know they aren’t, my circumstances certainly don’t match theirs, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.)
I feel pretty confident in saying that not a single LBH thinks your feelings are BS. And if they did they would be insane.
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With H feeling downtrodden, it’s not so easy for me to maintain my justifications for wanting out. I don’t want to see him hurting.
Bunny, he is MANIPULATING you, just like always. Does he care if you are hurting?? Does he hate to see you down? Does he wonder if he's justified in his behavior when he sees your pain? Care about your hurt, not his. And he's NOT HURTING. He's POUTING. HOW have you HURT him? By asking for just and loving treatment? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HURT HIM, Bunny?? What? Refusing to be abused is hurting him? Does he feel hurt and remorseful for hurting YOU? No, poor baby, he thinks he's the victim.
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Just because he’s feeling down, I need to remember nothing has actually changed, right?
RIGHT! Nothinh as changed. In fact, him feeling down is more of the same. He's the victim.
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I need to see and experience any changes before I let my guard down.
I don’t want to soften my resolve. I don’t want to go back to what I was feeling and doing before, and so I went and re-read some of my posts from earlier in this thread. I was practically screaming in that very first post (could you tell?). I know I need to find it within myself to keep going with the changes I made, not count on the negative energy to keep that going. I need to learn to trust myself- my thoughts, my feelings and my changes.
Yes, Bunny! Learn to trust YOURSELF. Love you, take care of you, honor you. Stop feeling sorry for losers.
I'm going out on a limb here and thinking that H is one of the reasons H has problems with his family.
He and his sister both have control issues, and only one can be in charge- and it's not him. His sister is the executor of his Dad's estate. H doesn't mind someone else in charge if he agrees with how they're handling things; if he doesn't, that's when the problems start. Even I admit, his sister is a real b!tch. There has been real damage done to his family by her since his Dad's death.
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Side note to Bunny: you don't have to apologize to horny strangers. You could have just ignored them. Again, speak to your counselor about this need to solve other people's feelings.
I thought I was just trying to not be rude and give them the benefit of an acknowledgment.
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Boo f**king hoo. Bunny, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF. You feel guilty that he feels bad that you have a MC appt??????????
No- I was just making sure he was still going. I can see him backing out again.
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I think you're deeply terrified to just admit to yourself that you DON'T want this anymore.
You're right, I am. I was ready to take that step last month, and I have to get myself back there.
Hey, I believe you that you are just trying not to be rude. You're a very nice person, anyone can see that. That's why we want the best for you, because you deserve it!!
I just think you ought to reserve that softness and empathy for people who deserve it and toughen up the boundaries that's all.
Two excellent books I can recommend, that aren't marriage books, are The Gift of Fear, and Nice Girl Syndrome.
The Gift of Fear is must-reading for all women in my opinion, it goes into great detail how much danger women put themselves in because they hate to be rude. And we're socialized against it. But people die or get badly hurt because of that often misplaced feeling. I see so much of that trait in you and it gets abused. I have often been the same way. You know what, now sometimes people think I'm a bitch, but oh well. Usually it's when I have boundaries. (Occasionally it's because I'm a bitch. ;P )
Nice Girl Syndrome is very eye-opening about people pleasing. Which men can do as well, of course, but women also have the socialization to go with it, to never make waves or "be a bitch" which in a lot of people's eyes is simply standing up for yourself.
The hardest part about growing and learning how to have boundaries and self-care is that people WILL resist it, and tell you you've changed, or even that you're rude or whatever, but really that usually means you're not doing what THEY want.
I agree w Break. Love and Respect goes both ways. How has your H been showing you this? Narcissists make everything about them. Ask yourself when's the last time he considered your feelings?
Enough said. Run!!! Unless you don't feel you deserve better which is many people's problem. Have you read "Getting the Love you want" yet?
Ask yourself when's the last time he considered your feelings?
The last time he showed genuine concern for my feelings rather than dismissing them was last winter after I had gone out with some guy and came home feeling like sh!t. I do have that people pleaser personality and I would sleep with these guys because I didn’t know how to say “no” and not feel bad about it. It pleased H, and it pleased them. (That’s another reason for me to not be in this lifestyle, I just can’t handle the pressures from other guys, let alone H.) Anyways- I was upset, H is telling me over and over “I love you”, and telling me I should get back out there because doesn’t it make me feel good to have these guys paying attention to me? Wait a minute- that’s him minimizing my feelings, right?
That’s the last time I can remember him saying “I Love You”, I couldn’t tell you the time prior to that, and there hasn’t been any since.
Ask yourself when's the last time he considered your feelings?
The last time he showed genuine concern for my feelings rather than dismissing them was last winter after I had gone out with some guy and came home feeling like sh!t. I do have that people pleaser personality and I would sleep with these guys because I didn’t know how to say “no” and not feel bad about it. It pleased H, and it pleased them. (That’s another reason for me to not be in this lifestyle, I just can’t handle the pressures from other guys, let alone H.) Anyways- I was upset, H is telling me over and over “I love you”, and telling me I should get back out there because doesn’t it make me feel good to have these guys paying attention to me? Wait a minute- that’s him minimizing my feelings, right?
That’s the last time I can remember him saying “I Love You”, I couldn’t tell you the time prior to that, and there hasn’t been any since.
That makes me nauseous.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
