Please spend time working with your IC on this feeling. It will kick your ass time and again whether you are with your H or someone else who knows how to make you feel guilty.
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H’s spirit looks like it is a bit broken, and I’m part of the reason. A little background- his father died suddenly and unexpectedly last fall, which caused a tremendous amount of strife between H and his siblings. There are still a lot of hurt and angry feelings lingering between them- it got really nasty. There is some estate business that needs to be taken care of (photograph sorting), and H really does not want to deal with it but has to. That’s one reason I didn’t pursue discussions last year with H- I have been having these feelings for a long time. I didn’t want to kick him or abandon him while he was down, and stood by him thoughout that ordeal. So that’s one thing on his mind- he has to deal with his family in the next few days even though he doesn’t want anything to do with some of them.
I'm going out on a limb here and thinking that H is one of the reasons H has problems with his family. Poor H. Bunny, this man has no empathy for anyone but himself. He has shown you ZERO empathy in your situation. NOT ONE CRUMB. His spirit is broken??? Because he's not getting his way? Then I guess that IS your fault, that he can't get his way. A spoiled three year old is someone who's spirit is broken from not getting his way.
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Another thing- remember I mentioned that H changed the password on our couple’s profile? I wanted to know what he had done with it, but I really didn’t want to ask him, after all, he didn’t say anything about changing the password and I wasn’t sure I could trust what he said. The only way I could see what was going was to set up my own profile on the website (I tweaked the details enough to make it not obviously me). I never contacted H’s profile to try to cause any drama, mine is just there so I could keep an eye on things. (Side note- if I ever do decide that all I want is NSA sex, all I have to do is give the word. I got 30+ messages from horny guys in those first couple days. I’m sending out apologies now to them – “Sorry, I’m not ready for this like I thought I was.”)
Side note to Bunny: you don't have to apologize to horny strangers. You could have just ignored them. Again, speak to your counselor about this need to solve other people's feelings.
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Anyways- prior to my setting up my own account, H was checking his profile almost everyday. It shows when the person was last online. Since I set up my profile, H hasn’t been on in 5 days- that’s so not like him. Either he saw my profile, realized it was me and that I can kinda watch him, or he’s in a general funk. It could be either. Now I’m deciding what to do with that profile- do I keep an eye on things until I know for sure where things are headed with us, or just let it go now? Now that I know the profiles were not deleted, do I even care what H is doing?
I think looking is just driving you crazy right now. You can't/don't trust him enough anyway for it to give you a clear picture, as you said, maybe he knows you're checking, as you let us know the interesting information that he has utter control over all the computers you own. Anyway, whatever you find out, you will always be second guessing whether it's good or bad.
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And of course, having to deal with the MC is another strain on him. I reminded him of our appt on Tuesday, and he said OK, in a very down, blah tone.
Boo f**king hoo. Bunny, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF. You feel guilty that he feels bad that you have a MC appt?????????? Read that 17 times. Clearly H feels so sorry for himself right now that he doesn't need anyone else to feel sorry for him too. That's one big pity party he's having all by himself. Too bad he never feels sorry for you.
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My IC asked me the other day if I wanted to work on things with H. I’m not sure that I do, actually I’m pretty sure I don’t, and I am having a hard time admitting that to myself and acting on it. I’m supposed to do the right thing and try to save my marriage, right?
What's the right thing for Bunny and her integrity and her spirit and her self-worth? That would be the right thing. I think you're deeply terrified to just admit to yourself that you DON'T want this anymore.
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My mom thought I was closed minded about the MC. I think I’m skeptical, not closed-minded.
Right, you're beginning to know yourself, and your own mind. Please stop doubting yourself. Did your parents often encourage you to doubt yourself? Someone must have.
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And so now I’m feeling like just another WAW, one of the many described on this site because I hear myself saying a lot of the same things they do. The LBH’s are seeing through the BS and calling them out on it. It makes me wonder if my justifications are also. (I know they aren’t, my circumstances certainly don’t match theirs, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.)
I feel pretty confident in saying that not a single LBH thinks your feelings are BS. And if they did they would be insane.
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With H feeling downtrodden, it’s not so easy for me to maintain my justifications for wanting out. I don’t want to see him hurting.
Bunny, he is MANIPULATING you, just like always. Does he care if you are hurting?? Does he hate to see you down? Does he wonder if he's justified in his behavior when he sees your pain? Care about your hurt, not his. And he's NOT HURTING. He's POUTING. HOW have you HURT him? By asking for just and loving treatment? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HURT HIM, Bunny?? What? Refusing to be abused is hurting him? Does he feel hurt and remorseful for hurting YOU? No, poor baby, he thinks he's the victim.
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Just because he’s feeling down, I need to remember nothing has actually changed, right?
RIGHT! Nothinh as changed. In fact, him feeling down is more of the same. He's the victim.
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I need to see and experience any changes before I let my guard down.
I don’t want to soften my resolve. I don’t want to go back to what I was feeling and doing before, and so I went and re-read some of my posts from earlier in this thread. I was practically screaming in that very first post (could you tell?). I know I need to find it within myself to keep going with the changes I made, not count on the negative energy to keep that going. I need to learn to trust myself- my thoughts, my feelings and my changes.
Yes, Bunny! Learn to trust YOURSELF. Love you, take care of you, honor you. Stop feeling sorry for losers.
