Ok, here goes. Look at how long it took you to "get it" (wanting her back). And your time frame for her is dismally short.
She moved on. Your agreement was to stay out of her business in exchange for her not filing. That was a manipulative and unsavory agreement from the get go. One neither of you could honor.
You have not really gotten the lesson here or the concept of running on parallel tracks; keeping hope but accepting D simultaneously. You have not detached, I think because to you detaching means giving up hope and you would rather tough it out until you can't take anymore and feel entitled to give up but say you did everything you could. You have dealt with this for a comparatively short time relative to some and you aren't really up for it.
So, the gig is up. You don't want to stick by and keep enabling her relationship with OM and pay for it while giving her more time with the kids. So, stop trying to be someone you're not. She will respect you more (and you will yourself) if you take care of yourself and get what is rightfully yours financially and custody wise. Divorces take time.
It irks me that you are all hung up on the papers and how that would be "it" for you. It should have been "it" for her when you walked out and told her you were done but she hung on there and is still experiencing great turmoil...give up your notions of what should or shouldn't be...you got this ball rolling. So, she files. How long does finalization take in your state?
I used to think that if H and I divorced that would be it forever. But, it is nonsense, there are so many surprises...let it go. Do your life, take care of yourself, be reasonable, date, see what life brings you...it could be her, it could be no one for a while, it could be someone else. I know this is huge but this is where I am now and it took me a long time to get here. Due to the nature of your sitch, you have to get and get it fast because you were off in space for so long.
You are being impatient and judgmental and a tad petulant. You get up in her sh*t and then say "huh? what? me?"...Fess up. Get real. You've got to back the heck off and figure out what is your business and what isn't.
The positives are that when you make a legal custody agreement, she can't spring this last minute cr*p on you. She can't work your guilt anymore. It is even steven. She had a right to make her choice and now you both deal with the honest reality of what you essentially initiated. She may need this for her own sense of justice and closure and further renewal. She knows the risk. She has as much or more to lose than you do.
I see this as good in that you can stop playing games and really play by some more balanced and objective rules.
But, I think you need counseling to manage your emotions. When she reacts to your expectations regarding custody etc. you can't fight or wig out on her. You need to really get centered and detach or it will get down right ugly and detrimental to all of your well beings. I think you need real help sorting out what is your business and what is not and determining what entitlement you have that is coming out of resentment versus objective reality. And please, do not expect a lawyer to clarify on that front because as your L tells you you are clearly entitled to x, her L will be telling her the opposite. You need to get clear on your intentions and know that you are being reasonable and in alignment with the well being of your kids.
