In-house Separation - Need advice on my DBing

[aflowergurlie]

Ok - I've been reading the forums for a little while now and I'm ready to post my story. I hope to get the same helpful feedback and advice that I have seen so lovingly given to others for their situations.

I turn 33 next week, husband turns 32 soon. Married 12 years next month, together 15 years. No children. Husband is sex addict, serious problems with pornography throughout first 10 years of our marriage. Went for counseling both as a couple and each of us separately off and on during that time. Four years ago found out it had escalated to escorts. I moved out for about six weeks and came back. Two years ago, I found out that husband was back to looking for escorts. I moved out for six months. During the separation, husband started a EA/PA. The EA/PA lasted for about 2 months and then husband wanted me back. Soon after I moved back home, I found out that he had also been seeing escorts as well during our separation. He agreed to resume counseling individually. Husband was then sober of everything (porn, escorts, EA/PA) for the last year and a half. I was still having trust issues during the past year and a half and would occasionally check his cell phone records, the toll-transponder records, credit card statements, and bank accounts. (This only happened like 4 times during this time period, compared to the like every couple of months that I used to do it during all of our years together, so I thought I was making significant progress in rebuilding trust in him.)

At the end of last year/beginning of this year December/January time, I started doubting whether I really wanted to be in this relationship at all. However, he had done absolutely nothing this time to precipitate it. Things were actually in the best place they had ever been as far as his addiction was concerned. (I really think I had WAW syndrome looking back at it now.) So I made the initiative to separate from him. This was met with much resistance by him at first and then acceptance. We lived together but in separate rooms. By the end of February I decided that I did want to be him and was ready to be fully committed to our relationship. During the months of March and April, we moved, which included major renovation on our old place to get it ready to sell and then renovation work on the new place that we moved to - went on vacation for a week - and then had to put our beloved 14 year old cat to sleep. All major things to cause extreme stress and have done in such a short time period.

The first week in May we had an argument in which he brought up my trust issues with him. We didn't talk for a couple of days after, I slept in our bed, he slept on the couch, and then he finally wanted to talk. He told me "he was done" that he had given enough to this marriage and he was just done. Also wanted me to be the one to move out since he could afford our place and I can't. I believed him but also thought ok, give him a little more time and things will get better again.

Well, here it is September and we still live together but have separate bedrooms. He is still waiting for me to find a full-time job so I can support myself and move out. (I work part-time and don't make enough to do so currently.) Husband has also started an EA (i'm sure it's physical too but he won't confirm it). I have a strong suspicion that he has acted out with his addiction as well. He has also started buying new clothes; new hair style; new underwear; going to the gym; taking supplements; going out to bars/clubs; is gone a couple nights during the week and almost every weekend. My summation now is that he is a sex addict in MLC.

I've been DBing for about a month now and think I am starting to see some progress, but would like some input as to whether I am reading things correctly and/or how to handle certain situations and scenarios.

Here's how today/tonight went for instance:
He came home for lunch, I was home cleaning. I had my happy, friendly face on. He joked around with me in the kitchen, offered me some of the food he had made himself, left the music CD I had playing instead of turning on the TV, came back to the kitchen to sit at the bar and talk to me while I was in the kitchen, then took me to the computer in my room to show me a funny video clip he had seen. Tonight - he came home and I was watching a movie I had rented on the TV in the living room where he watches TV. He came right in, all interested in what movie it was and said he had wanted to see it, could i restart so he could watch it to, i said sure. Then he asked if i wanted to go to the pool with him to the hot tub, i said sure, put my suit on & was prepared to drive myself there because he will normally ride his bike. So i asked him if he was gonna ride his bike and he said why, are you gonna drive? and i said yeah - he said no, we can both just walk there. so we walked to the pool together, went in the hot tub & swam in the pool - he just chatted away about his new friends and workmates, i just mostly listened - we walked home - each got in our pj's and met back in the living room to watch the movie - of course about 15 mins after the movie started, husband's phone starts ringing (OW), he goes in his room to talk - i am left there still watching the movie debating on what to do - do i turn the movie off and go to my room for the night - do i pause the movie and wait for him to come back - i ended up just turning the movie off and watching tv until he came back. Surprising his phone call was only a 20 min coversation tonight when it's usually 45 min to hour and a half. He also didn't have his phone in the living room like he usually does and didn't bring it back with him after the phone call. He also got a text on his phone like 5 mins after he came back to the living room (his phone chimed from the other room) and he didn't get up to go look at it or get his phone. I watched tv with him for about another 15 mins and then got up and he said are you going to bed and i said yes and he said good night.

Any input on how I handled this situation or what I could have done differently or should do next time would be greatly appreciated!

[shellshockedga]

AFG, I am also new to the boards so I dont have the expertise as others do to help, but I certainly want you to know that I will be watching your sitch and look forward to positive updates. Although my sitch differs from yours, I too have the inhouse seperation thing going on. Its tough. Never quite sure where you stand at any given time. I will let others chime in on detachment and thoughts on how to handle the EA/OW issues.

[ShockedOne]

Hmmm....could be multiple things. He may be coming back around to you, but, he may be having problems with OW too. Many waywards will be nice to LBS when there are issues with the other person. The reason I would think there are issues is the part where he didn't bother checking his text. It things were good, you would have been left there to go check and write back.

In my opinion, your husband has a major history of being unfaithful, and although has sought help for his addictions and problems, he seems unable to stay away from them. Unless you can accept what he is and will do, how can you continue this relationship?

[Buttercup37]

Welcome! I also am new here and have an in-house seperation with my husband (initiated by him....MLC pretty sure.) I'm no expert but sounds like you are doing pretty good on the being light & pleasant around him part. I've found DB to be such a very helpful book but also in addition I am using another set of audio files/book that has helped me see the mistakes I made in the marriage and given me more detailed ideas on what I can do 180s on. My husband seems to be responding to the changes positively but taking it slow...who knows what tomorrow holds.

Basically some of the 180s I've been making are:
* Meet him at the open door with a pleasant greeting when he comes home.
* Tell the children that they need to wait when they try to interrupt husband talking to me after work about his day.
* Listen to husband and try very hard to support his side of things...no providing advice at all to him unless he specifically asks (which he doesn't.)
* Letting all the little things hubby does slide off my back that in the past I would have made a negative comment about.
* Show and voice honest appreciation for any little or large nice thing that hubby does. (This is so hard for me but is soooo important!)
* If I ask my husband for his opinion of a choice or situation (what to get for dinner, how to handle a situation, things like that) even if I don't like his answer that much - I accept it and give it a try. (Honestly haven't regreted trying his advice.)

I don't know your marriage or if you had any similar issues as to what I now look back and see I did...but if any of this seems to apply to changing the past dynamics of your marriage, give it a try.

Good Luck!!

[aflowergurlie]

Thank you SSGA - I will be watching your progress as well. Hope the best for you.

ShockedOne - That thought had crossed my mind, perhaps OW isn't all that it was cracked up to be a couple months ago. My therapist said it seems like H wants both worlds right now -OW as a distraction, feel good from the attention and affection - then me at home now happy, friendly, cooking and cleaning for him, but without the intimacy and real relationship of a M. I have struggled most with my thoughts of all our relationship history and all of the infidelity. I often wonder how crazy am I to even be trying to DB and not just doing the D.

BC37 - I too have been trying to implement as many 180's as I can. I have been doing all the things on your list as well (except for the ones about the children). I had known for several years that I too desperately needed to make changes. I struggled so much with my hurt and pain and buried anger that I put up a huge wall and became extremely defensive about most everything. I also often punished my H (sometimes consciously, sometimes without even realizing it) by withholding praise and recognition from him, even when I most wanted to give it to him when I could see how hard he was trying and how much good progress he was making. I would always just hold back as a protective mechanism for myself. It's funny how that kind of seemed protection is actually shooting yourself in the foot most often. Thanks again for your input and I completely empathize when you say "who knows what tomorrow holds."

[aflowergurlie]

Today's update:
This morning I got a text from H that said "Wanna watch that movie tonight? Promise no distractions." I replied "Ok with me. Had planned to finish watching it when I'm home later tonight." Got home and made a quick dinner, H got home, stayed in kitchen at bar to eat, I pulled barstool around other side and we both ate "together?". He chatted away - told me about his day at work - again light-hearted, easy, friendly conversation - H went to take shower and came back to kitchen while I was cleaning up - said he needed my help with something, then asked if i could pop a pimple on his back (sorry for the squeamish out there) - this is something he would have me do if necessary on regular basis when R was intact, but hasn't asked me to do that since separation began back in May - then i started movie in living room again - he came to living room w/ phone but turned it face down and i'm assuming it was on silent because i never heard it ring or chime tonight - as movie was starting he said he would probably fall asleep cause he just took a couple of sleeping pills (not something that he does regularly....hmmm wonder why he's not sleeping?) - we watched movie together, he did fall asleep, then got up and said going to bed, good night - took phone with him and off to bed he went -i finished watching movie.

As BC37 said "who knows what tomorrow holds."

[ShockedOne]

Just a heads up on the phone being face down. That is something my WAW constantly did so I could not see texts coming in from OM. Secretive is never good.

[Buttercup37]

Sounds like a positive night. I think the hard part is if you want to DB ...not D then you can't worry about what you can not control-the txts & phone. What you can control is being a person who is fun to be with and giving that appreciation as hard as it is. I'm not going to judge you on why you still want to be with him after what's happened in the past-if you reach your limit then you'll know it's time to leave.

So along with changing how you treat him, what new things are you doing that make you feel good about yourself? Personally I find lingerie shopping to lift my spirits...it's not so much to tempt him as it is because I enjoy feeling sexy again!

[aflowergurlie]

Friday - I made plans to go to my brother's girlfriends house for the night as i figured H would do his usual routine of being gone all weekend - he never tells me when he is going to be gone, how long he will be gone for, or where he is going and I don't ask anymore - at the beginning of all this he texted me and left a couple notes the first few times when he was gone and said he would either be staying at his brothers (an hour away) or "elsewhere" - then he didn't call or text one night and i flipped out and called him and texted him all night long - he finally texted me in the morning that he was fine and had drank too much and it got too late to drive home - soon after that, in one of our R talks he told me that he didn't want to have to be dependent on me or me to be dependent on him, and so now i just never ask (a 180 for me) - anyways, i was in my room with door closed getting packed and ready to go - had a new dress that i wanted an opinion on - heard outside of room that H was home - went out to living room and called his name, he came out - he had just gotten out of shower and was in towel only - my heart started beating out of my chest having to see him like that and not being able to touch him or do anything else with him - before i could even say anything to him he says to me "Wow, you look really nice!" - I said "Thank you!" cheerfully - then asked if the dress looked okay, i was unsure of a few areas - he asked me to turn around twice and checked me out - said Yes, it looks really good - then as I was walking away back to my room H made a comment that it made my boobs look huge and makes you just want to put your face in them (he has not ventured with any of this type of talk or comments like this since May; which is also very difficult because he used to say stuff like this and we would be very affectionate with each other all the time) - i laughed playfully and went in my room and shut the door to keep getting ready - 5 mins later he knocks on my door - says "Ok, my turn now, how do i look?" - he looked freaking fantastic - had jeans on with nice shirt and smelled great - i told him he looked great - then he asked me to roll him with the lint brush roller - so i did - then went back in my room and closed the door - the tears started streaming down my face (i haven't cried in a while) at the reality of the situation - i have no idea where he is going, how long he will be gone, who he is going to be with - he doesn't know/ask anything about me and where i will be wearing that dress to or for or who i will be with - two separate lives, colliding for a few short minutes in niceties to each other just like old normal times, like we should be getting ready to go somewhere together, not like this - made me miss him and ache so bad inside - allowed myself to have my moment and then pulled myself together - i heard him leave before i came back out of my bedroom - i finished getting ready and packed and left - had a great night hanging out/going out; but of course, he never leaves my thoughts, is always lingering there in the background no matter what it is that i'm doing or trying to distract myself with.

I was gone all day Saturday - got home around 10pm - no H - Sunday i was gone in the am - got home around 1pm - still no H -phone rings around 1:30 and it's H - shocked, as he has never called or texted me when he has been "away" - contemplated just letting it go to voicemail, but then decided to answer - I say "Hello." He says "Hey! (very enthusiastically) I said Hey! back cheerfully. He says "What are you doing?" I said "I just got home." (I wished I could have thought faster because I was getting ready to leave to go the beach and should have said that, but oh well.) He says "oh ok good - need you to go in office and get password off a login list for a website - he says he can't remember password" - so i go and give him the information - then he says thank you and i said no problem, bye, and hung up. - Don't know what to make of this - he could have very easily just texted me or even just clicked on the remember password link on the website - but I left for afternoon and evening - got home around 10 pm last night - still no H - last weekend was a first where H didn't come home on Sunday night, but on Monday morning before work to get showered and then go to work - that happened again this weekend - i didn't see him this morning (i was still in my room, but heard when he came home and left this morning) - he didn't come home for lunch today either & he has been coming home for lunch everyday for the past couple months - don't know what to make of these new things? - hate having to read everything and try and make sense of it all....

[aflowergurlie]

Hey BC! Things I have been doing to feel good about myself again:
- Over past year and half, I have lost almost 50 lbs., I'm on track for the last 40 to reach my goal weight. So I try and exercise as often as possible - going to the gym, zumba and yoga classes, riding my bike, going for walks, exercise dvd's. Just trying to stay active.
- Going to the library to check out self-help books on making positive changes is helping with developing and keeping a PMA.
- I too have been buying lingerie! So funny! Sexy new bras and undies - taking full advantage of the Victoria Secret coupons and Fredericks catalogs coming into the house. Definitely makes me feel sexy, like I have a little secret and helps me display a little mystery in my demeanor.
- Going to the beach at least once a week over the entire summer was sooo much fun! I had some girlfriends and family that joined me in doing this - kept me busy and had a great time! Still making it my aim to keep it up as weather is still plenty warm.
- I have a goal to be back on a surfboard within the next year. I used to enjoy this immensely (H is avid surfer). But because of weight and low self-esteem, self-doubt issues, this got tossed to the wayside many years ago. So I bought myself a boogie-board in preping me for this. Going to take it to the pool and starting "training" myself for paddling out.
- Oh! I bought some two-piece bathing suits - have only had one-pieces and haven't worn one in a long time because of weight - but feeling way more comfortable with my body now and decided it was time to "strut my stuff, show off my progress" - H noticed a couple weeks ago and made a positive comment about it - and then we have been at the pool together a couple of times over the past two weeks, so he has seen me then as well.
- I also go and get spray tanned at least once a week - talk about making you feel sexy and feel better about yourself - I am completely addicted to this and highly recommend it! I can't tell you how many people (just about everyone i encounter now) have told me within the last few months how great i look!
- I love to cook gourmet food and even on the weekends when H isn't home I still cook for myself as a treat, paired with a nice wine as a bonus!

How about you? What else are you enjoying?