It means a straight up b*lls out sock it to you post that might sting a little.
Want one?
Taking the pups out and grabbing a bourbon...bake in 5. No need to ask the 2x4 question again.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I'm lost. I'm not one to get tough when one is hurting...so, you tell me if and when you want to hear what I have to say (or read).
Sorry about the bourbon thing...hope you take it easy.
LOL...no I was being silly...of course I want to hear what you have to say. I meant, no need to ask again...don't ever hold back. Capiche?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Ok, here goes. Look at how long it took you to "get it" (wanting her back). And your time frame for her is dismally short.
She moved on. Your agreement was to stay out of her business in exchange for her not filing. That was a manipulative and unsavory agreement from the get go. One neither of you could honor.
You have not really gotten the lesson here or the concept of running on parallel tracks; keeping hope but accepting D simultaneously. You have not detached, I think because to you detaching means giving up hope and you would rather tough it out until you can't take anymore and feel entitled to give up but say you did everything you could. You have dealt with this for a comparatively short time relative to some and you aren't really up for it.
So, the gig is up. You don't want to stick by and keep enabling her relationship with OM and pay for it while giving her more time with the kids. So, stop trying to be someone you're not. She will respect you more (and you will yourself) if you take care of yourself and get what is rightfully yours financially and custody wise. Divorces take time.
It irks me that you are all hung up on the papers and how that would be "it" for you. It should have been "it" for her when you walked out and told her you were done but she hung on there and is still experiencing great turmoil...give up your notions of what should or shouldn't be...you got this ball rolling. So, she files. How long does finalization take in your state?
I used to think that if H and I divorced that would be it forever. But, it is nonsense, there are so many surprises...let it go. Do your life, take care of yourself, be reasonable, date, see what life brings you...it could be her, it could be no one for a while, it could be someone else. I know this is huge but this is where I am now and it took me a long time to get here. Due to the nature of your sitch, you have to get and get it fast because you were off in space for so long.
You are being impatient and judgmental and a tad petulant. You get up in her sh*t and then say "huh? what? me?"...Fess up. Get real. You've got to back the heck off and figure out what is your business and what isn't.
The positives are that when you make a legal custody agreement, she can't spring this last minute cr*p on you. She can't work your guilt anymore. It is even steven. She had a right to make her choice and now you both deal with the honest reality of what you essentially initiated. She may need this for her own sense of justice and closure and further renewal. She knows the risk. She has as much or more to lose than you do.
I see this as good in that you can stop playing games and really play by some more balanced and objective rules.
But, I think you need counseling to manage your emotions. When she reacts to your expectations regarding custody etc. you can't fight or wig out on her. You need to really get centered and detach or it will get down right ugly and detrimental to all of your well beings. I think you need real help sorting out what is your business and what is not and determining what entitlement you have that is coming out of resentment versus objective reality. And please, do not expect a lawyer to clarify on that front because as your L tells you you are clearly entitled to x, her L will be telling her the opposite. You need to get clear on your intentions and know that you are being reasonable and in alignment with the well being of your kids.
Ok, here goes. Look at how long it took you to "get it" (wanting her back). And your time frame for her is dismally short.
She moved on. Your agreement was to stay out of her business in exchange for her not filing. That was a manipulative and unsavory agreement from the get go. One neither of you could honor.
You have not really gotten the lesson here or the concept of running on parallel tracks; keeping hope but accepting D simultaneously. You have not detached, I think because to you detaching means giving up hope and you would rather tough it out until you can't take anymore and feel entitled to give up but say you did everything you could. You have dealt with this for a comparatively short time relative to some and you aren't really up for it.
So, the gig is up. You don't want to stick by and keep enabling her relationship with OM and pay for it while giving her more time with the kids. So, stop trying to be someone you're not. She will respect you more (and you will yourself) if you take care of yourself and get what is rightfully yours financially and custody wise. Divorces take time.
It irks me that you are all hung up on the papers and how that would be "it" for you. It should have been "it" for her when you walked out and told her you were done but she hung on there and is still experiencing great turmoil...give up your notions of what should or shouldn't be...you got this ball rolling. So, she files. How long does finalization take in your state?
I used to think that if H and I divorced that would be it forever. But, it is nonsense, there are so many surprises...let it go. Do your life, take care of yourself, be reasonable, date, see what life brings you...it could be her, it could be no one for a while, it could be someone else. I know this is huge but this is where I am now and it took me a long time to get here. Due to the nature of your sitch, you have to get and get it fast because you were off in space for so long.
You are being impatient and judgmental and a tad petulant. You get up in her sh*t and then say "huh? what? me?"...Fess up. Get real. You've got to back the heck off and figure out what is your business and what isn't.
The positives are that when you make a legal custody agreement, she can't spring this last minute cr*p on you. She can't work your guilt anymore. It is even steven. She had a right to make her choice and now you both deal with the honest reality of what you essentially initiated. She may need this for her own sense of justice and closure and further renewal. She knows the risk. She has as much or more to lose than you do.
I see this as good in that you can stop playing games and really play by some more balanced and objective rules.
But, I think you need counseling to manage your emotions. When she reacts to your expectations regarding custody etc. you can't fight or wig out on her. You need to really get centered and detach or it will get down right ugly and detrimental to all of your well beings. I think you need real help sorting out what is your business and what is not and determining what entitlement you have that is coming out of resentment versus objective reality. And please, do not expect a lawyer to clarify on that front because as your L tells you you are clearly entitled to x, her L will be telling her the opposite. You need to get clear on your intentions and know that you are being reasonable and in alignment with the well being of your kids.
That's a start.
Thanks!
I've printed this and will bring it with when I see my counselor first thing tomorrow morning I'm on 2x week for the next few weeks I'm trying dude.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
1) Ignore the email completely and see what happens. That's basically what happened last time but last time seemed a little different because the email was sent following an argument. As best I can tell she seems to struggle emotionally when doing stuff with OM, then gets angry at me, then brings up the need to end marriage again. 2) Ignore the email and let her l know today that I can no longer be married to someone with OM. Agree to move forward with the disillusion. Offer to let her do the paperwork and I can offer to handle the Realtor (she may be thinking that we get disillusion and she carries on business as usual with custody, house and current support). Tell her all I want is a fair 50/50 split on everything. I could also do #2 on Monday when she returns from weekend away with OM. That way she doesn't have the entire weekend for him to console her and take away the impact. 3) Say OK I agree to the email she sent and proceed to outline details like #2.
Any thoughts?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Ok, here goes. Look at how long it took you to "get it" (wanting her back). And your time frame for her is dismally short.
She moved on. Your agreement was to stay out of her business in exchange for her not filing. That was a manipulative and unsavory agreement from the get go. One neither of you could honor.
You have not really gotten the lesson here or the concept of running on parallel tracks; keeping hope but accepting D simultaneously. You have not detached, I think because to you detaching means giving up hope and you would rather tough it out until you can't take anymore and feel entitled to give up but say you did everything you could. You have dealt with this for a comparatively short time relative to some and you aren't really up for it.
So, the gig is up. You don't want to stick by and keep enabling her relationship with OM and pay for it while giving her more time with the kids. So, stop trying to be someone you're not. She will respect you more (and you will yourself) if you take care of yourself and get what is rightfully yours financially and custody wise. Divorces take time.
It irks me that you are all hung up on the papers and how that would be "it" for you. It should have been "it" for her when you walked out and told her you were done but she hung on there and is still experiencing great turmoil...give up your notions of what should or shouldn't be...you got this ball rolling. So, she files. How long does finalization take in your state?
I used to think that if H and I divorced that would be it forever. But, it is nonsense, there are so many surprises...let it go. Do your life, take care of yourself, be reasonable, date, see what life brings you...it could be her, it could be no one for a while, it could be someone else. I know this is huge but this is where I am now and it took me a long time to get here. Due to the nature of your sitch, you have to get and get it fast because you were off in space for so long.
You are being impatient and judgmental and a tad petulant. You get up in her sh*t and then say "huh? what? me?"...Fess up. Get real. You've got to back the heck off and figure out what is your business and what isn't.
The positives are that when you make a legal custody agreement, she can't spring this last minute cr*p on you. She can't work your guilt anymore. It is even steven. She had a right to make her choice and now you both deal with the honest reality of what you essentially initiated. She may need this for her own sense of justice and closure and further renewal. She knows the risk. She has as much or more to lose than you do.
I see this as good in that you can stop playing games and really play by some more balanced and objective rules.
But, I think you need counseling to manage your emotions. When she reacts to your expectations regarding custody etc. you can't fight or wig out on her. You need to really get centered and detach or it will get down right ugly and detrimental to all of your well beings. I think you need real help sorting out what is your business and what is not and determining what entitlement you have that is coming out of resentment versus objective reality. And please, do not expect a lawyer to clarify on that front because as your L tells you you are clearly entitled to x, her L will be telling her the opposite. You need to get clear on your intentions and know that you are being reasonable and in alignment with the well being of your kids.
RSF, Change the word "Testing" to "giving you a opportunity." Your wife isn't testing you she is giving you opportunities to see her feelings, help her, love (philia) her, and be a great Dad to your children.
She sent you a heartfelt, to the point, e-mail about her feelings and you ignored it. Can you see how that might make her feel invisible and that she doesn't matter. Instead of trying to counter her every move, learn to validate. You don't control her. Read her e-mails again with the mindset of a third party who is trying to understand. Then procees this thought - "I can see how you would feel that way, wife."
You might be surprised at how simple some the answers to your questions are. She tells you exactly what she wants and how she feels. Just because you don't agree with doesn't make her wrong. DB Rule # 47 - If it's not working try something else.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm on 2x week for the next few weeks