Sitting here booted and suited ... waiting and waiting. Finally I could take it no more. I blew out the candles and got in the car, racing off before H could arrive and see me! I was FURIOUS that he was so late. It was 18.45hrs when I came back around the corner to find him sitting in the car on the drive - I got out of the car, on the phone naturally (!!) and he unlocked the door for us to come in - listening all the while but not saying a word.
I put the kettle on and asked him to make the tea whilst I got changed in to my (new) jeans.
H - you've changed your hair Me - mmm - do you like it? H - it's a lot to get used to - it's a big change Me - I love it, really happy, makes me feel the sassy girl I am! H - ah.
Jeans on, tea made, H looking every bit the MLC man with a long sleeve shirt and jeans on, black shoes - totally unco-ordinated, 'don't-know-what-this-man-is-thinking' look about him! Conversation kicks off and no mention of money. He's telling me he's off to Sydney on a work trip, work is becoming mundane, wants to move interstate, change job etc. Will be moving out of his unit in February when lease runs out and then would be a good time to 'change everything'. I made some quip about ow, could have bitten out my tongue and he responded as we can imagine he would.
Settled down, told me I was being cryptic in my responses, accussed me of lying about things over the years (I SWEAR that I have not). Before I knew it, I was breaking every rule to get him to hear me. I get so frustrated when he backs me into a corner and won't hear me out - I just give up and then retaliate later.
Positive conversation commenced and H agreed that he needed to concentrate on some practical aspects around the home and that he would do that very soon, helping out with maintenance etc. He fixed a cupboard door which was working it's way loose at this juncture! He made another cup of tea and asked me if it was OK to take a plastic jug and a whisk from the cupboard. For goodness sakes, how much would that have cost him to replace?!!! I agreed but as we then started arguing, he didn't take said items, nor did he fix the clock on the DVD player for me (I can't work out how to set it)!!
On to finances and H starts to say that he will pay half of necessary bills but not gas, electric, phone, food, Foxtel etc ... my worry now that I have a job. Explained that it was temporary and he said that we would look at things again then but it was too late - the touchpaper had been lit and we were both escalating things to a point from which we knew there would be no return that night. I mouthed off about ow and ... well, I saw the smoke from his heels.
I went to bed with a banging headache, couldn't sleep, felt sick, felt the last few weeks to have all been a waste of good DBing, with nc on my part.
This morning, after having spent a restless night, I felt even more sick. Got in to work and text him saying that I was sad it had all fallen apart again when we were doing so well. I told him that I felt threatened by his conversation and so retaliated. I said that we do need to have the financial conversation and that we should try again. H text straight back and said "OK - I shall email you" - so not sure if that's to make another 'date' or whether he intends to put his suggestions in an email.
Felt better all day and almost like he had agreed to come home, that's how good the conversation was before it went pearshaped - not that he said that he would, because he very definitely did not. It was just that comfortable feeling of being together like old times and the way that he looked at me. He was not saying ILY but his eyes and posture were. I know my H!!
H was really encouraging about the new job and wanted to know where, what, why and when - then started suggesting 'rat runs' to free me from the freeway traffic. I cut him off, laughing, mid-sentence and said "so you don't like my hair then?" *giggling* ... H laughed too for a split second and replied "I didn't say that but then you twist my words on everything, don't you?", so I take it that he does like it but felt that he had almost got sucked into 'normality'.
Overall, I feel a bit better today and even though I know that he went on a one night 'holiday' with ow, I feel good knowing that he has not been interstate since beginning of August. I also feel good knowing that he is alone this weekend - and that he misses the cats so very much!!
So DB'ers ... what's my next move? Do I do more of the nc and risk another 3 empty weeks or more, or do I take the chance of a weekly email .... phone call .... text occasionally - what?? I just don't know which way to go now but I do know that I have to readdress my pulling him so sharply from the cave last night and I have to allow him to go back in there - for a good while.
Oh, funny thing. When I asked him about the insurance stuff, he said that he had called the company and asked for a copy of the policy, which they sent to him at his unit. H rang and explained the situation and they are now sending it out to me BUT he said that he was going to ring them this morning to intercept them sending it out and he would change my insurance for me. I didn't ask him to do this and I am amazed that he just went ahead. I told him that I could do it myself and he said "OK" so I don't know if he has now, or not! Thing is, it was just wonderful that he was going to .... that's a small baby step, is it not??
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
