New to posting. Have been reading on here for a few months. I am in a situation with my ex that seems to never get any better. It has been over 2 years that we have been separated. We were not married.. Dated, lived together, had our daughter, things went bad and still have yet to get better.
My ex is extremely negative and verbally abusive. It is so difficult interacting with her. She tells me that we don't get along and never will; we are not friends and never will be. She says she has to be mean to me for me to be able to listen to her. So crazy..
I think few people these days tend to think that you should do anything and everything you can to reconcile with your ex. If you have been married and/or if you have children, you should go to great lengths to make amends. I have so many people tell me that I need to move on, she is not right for you, she is so negative and hateful - you don't want to be with someone like that, etc.
People seem to think I am crazy for wanting to make things work. Wow. I try to make things better. We both have attorneys involved and that tends to escalate things that much more. It is really sad to me to be in this situation. It is hard for me to comprehend why someone would choose this type of situation for themselves and thier children.
Hope this board will help me be a better person for myself and one that my ex could see. Sometimes I just need some encouragement to stay the course. It goes so contrary to what we normally want to do when people treat us badly. The ole saying of turning the other cheek and kill em with kindness have to be in full effect in these situations.
This is definately a day to day ordeal. I only would hope there is a way to make things better...
Looking forward to someone guidance from those who have some experience with all this..
Can you tell us more about your situation. What were the events that lead up to the seperation? What were her complaints about you? How have you worked on chaging those things you should?
There is so little in your post about the situation, it is very difficult to offer any guidance.
Well. We were dating for a few years. I am in the military part time and I was deployed for a few months. I returned for a family emergency leave for a couple of weeks during that time. When I returned to my duty station i found out she was going to have a baby. Big news to say the least. I wanted to wait till i returned to tell my family which would be another couple of months. She has held this against me saying i was ashamed to tell anyone.
We did not really live together at the time (although we did stay together a lot), but b/c she was about to have our baby when i returned I moved in with her.
When I returned from my deployment, I tried to just spend time with my family and her. I had to return to work and then had some side work that I got totally engrossed in. She says that I basically put that ahead of her and my daughter. I know that I did not spend enough time with them or show them enough how much i cared. She says it was because I did not care.
We did have a few arguments, we both began to withdraw and she started saying she was going to sell the place we lived in. I did not fight her on it. It happened so quickly, before I knew it, it was sold and we were moving out. I moved back to my house that I still had and she moved in with her mom.
I did try to talk to her some at that time, but she said she needed a couple of weeks. I gave her a couple of weeks time w/o calling her or worrying her. When I did contact her she says that proved that I did not care b/c I did not contact her. So crazy. She said at that point it is over.
Every since then she has been extremely verbally abusive and major distant. This has been about two years.
Hope this helps to explain the situation a little bit more..
I am the type of person that I try very hard to change for the better. I have read and read and read so much trying to understand and learn what is going on. I try to go to church as much as possible and seek out friends who are a source of understanding.
I am so open to change and have tried to change for the better and change those things she complains about. But when I speak with her, she makes it a point to mention that I have not changed at all and that I am still the same person. I think she does this just to hurt me though. She throws about every dager she can find at me to this day. It is so tough dealing with it..
Here is a list (some may not apply to you) that really helped me when I was early into this. I copied this list from another poster:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
Tks Givingitmyall. I am definately trying to do the steps on the list. I have lots going on still and keep quite busy. I do have a hard time not talking with her about wanting to just get along. This I really have to work on. I guess I just need to let her go and let her work on herself. It is so scarry to think about just walking away in a sense and not really trying to get along with the mother of your child. Seems so crazy.
I def try not to panic and keep hope. I tried to talk to her a while back about trying to work things out and she assured me she would never do that. Friends who I have discussed this with tell me that I am extremely patient about the situation and dealing with her. I try so hard not to get caught up in the emotional turmoil that she is in.
She tells me now that I only get my D b/c I pay CS and want to be getting something for my money. So crazy.
I have heard on here to believe none of what you hear and only 1/2 of what you see. I have also heard that the Aliens have taken over the WAS and speaking through them... How could anyone believe it any other way...???
Hope I am doing the right thing. I really would like to resolve things and be on better terms. Hope one day we can get there.
I have heard many similar comments from my W initially.
You will need to begin the process of giving up what you cannot control. You can't control her, what she does or what she says. You CAN control You - how you react to her.
Put the focus on you. Make changes in yourself you need. But make them for YOU, not with the intention or hope of winning her back.
Work on your self-confidence. That is an attractive quality. Maybe it attracts her back, maybe not. But you are better off in the end for you, and your daughter.
I am 40 and she is 35. Wow. I am relieved (somewhat) that other WAS have said similiar things. I hear what she says and I am totally shocked. It is like she is trying to beat me down as much as she possibly can. That is a confidence killer. I guess she is that hurt. She said a while back that I did it to her (in the past) so she felt like she was just giving it back to me. I never was like that to her. Def not intentially. I would not even think she would think (at the time) I was like that to her. I was thinking she had a screw loose or needed some meds or something. Guess it is a phase..?? a long one at that.
How do you react when the WAS throw that kind of stuff at you? Def doing things for my daughter and me. I hv another older daughter from a previous marriage she is 16 yrs old. My ex told me that my daughters would be more like cusions than sisters. Anything to get at me...
