But, I keep coming back to my kids. Can I look them in the face one day and tell them I did everything I could to try to save the M? If I can say yes, then it is time to move on. If not, I keep trying. So far, the answer to that question has not been yes.
I can't think of a better way to ask her to go with you to Retrouvaille than the one you stated above. Thing is, when you decide to go, it doesn't matter what else you have going on, you will put Retrouvaille first. Until it is more important than a trip to Disney, maybe you aren't ready for it.
I'm sorry...I don't understand your post. Who's not ready for Retro? Is your post directed towards me or GIMA? I hope your post isn't directed towards me. I have been following your suggestion about being cool, nice, polite, strong, and confident as I wait for our October 16 Retrovaille. Retrovaille is going to be my last resort for saving my marriage. I am hopeful for success considering Orich's recent experience. I'm just struggling with my emotions right now as I wait for Retrovaille. I can't help but feel resentful as my W has been attempting to break up my family over the last six months...I consider my emotions to be normal. I also consider myself lucky in having my W agree to Retrouvaille, but the waiting game is tough. I just have thirty days left...I've been doing this for six months now...so what's another 30 days...I keep telling myself.
Regards, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Hi LFH, the post was directed to GIMA. I know that you place great importance on your upcoming weekend. Perhaps I was in a bad mood when I wrote that. Most places offer Retrouvaille weekends 4 times a year. So, if he can't make one weekend, there will be another in 3 months. My point is that your relationship will not get better until you make it the number one priority. Allowing other things to come first is what gets us into these predicaments. At some point, making the effort to have a better relationship with your partner must come first. As long as it gets pushed to the back burner, things will not get better.
I think you will have a good response to Retrouvaille too, just like Orich. If you read what 25years MLC wrote on Orich's thread, you'll see that 22 of the 25 couples at her weekend continued on to the Post sessions. That means that 22/25 couples had a good result at the weekend. That is an incredible success rate. And following through with the Post sessions only increasing the chances that those couples will reconcile.
In your opinion, what is it about Retrouvaille that makes it so successful? My W has only committed to the initial weekend retreat, but is refusing the 16-wk “after sessions.” I guess I should be happy regardless.
This morning my W invited me to attend the Gator football game this Saturday with her and my son. I politely declined because I’m playing in a golfing fundraiser event for my son’s school. I feel really bad about this b/c I really wanted to go to the game and spend time with my family. I was working under the assumption that I am no longer included in the family season tickets, so I made plans for the weekend. Also, I just don’t like backing out of commitments and this event is for my son’s school. I’m totally confused. What should I do? I don’t want to look like I’m pursuing.
Finally, if things couldn’t get any worse this year, doctors have found a lump in my mother’s breast. They’re going to do more tests in the next couple of weeks to determine a final diagnosis. This sucks!
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
I can't think of a better way to ask her to go with you to Retrouvaille than the one you stated above. Thing is, when you decide to go, it doesn't matter what else you have going on, you will put Retrouvaille first. Until it is more important than a trip to Disney, maybe you aren't ready for it.
First, sorry LFH for the hijack.
Second, Sara, I have read many of your posts and I respect your opinion. But, this is one area where we are just going to have to agree to disagree on. I actually agree with you that my M should be, AND IS, the top priority. I disagree with the implication that I am not putting the M first.
The reality of my sitch is I am still relatively early in the process. My W dropped the D bomb back in April, so I am less than 5 months into it. I have, since the first week of May, been on a course of lovingly detaching to allow W space to slow down her decision making, all the while, living some pretty big life changes for me. Since the bomb, there have been no, AND I MEAN NONE, R discussions. We have VERY slowly been reconnecting as friends, but that is it.
As Coach has put it, I am trying to convince a scared animal to eat from my hand. And I think she's pretty close to taking a niblle, but not a very big one.
My perception is that at this point, W would not be receptive to cancelling the trip (which she, the kids, and I have been talking about since early August) AND, simultaneously, have a R discussion initiated by me to go to Retro. I can predict that taking that course of action would NOT end well.
So, yesterday, even before your post, I emailed the local Retro program to ask when the next session would be, how much it would cost, and whether it is possible (I doubt) to attend the weekend session at another location then have the follow up sessions locally. I am swaiting on a response to those questions.
I DO believe Retro would be beneficial for us, I just don't think the timing is right for my W and I.
I hope you don't take my post the wrong way. I do not intend to attack you. In fact, I agree with you. But, I know my sitch better than anyone here.
Also, I had fairly thick skin before the D bomb, and this process has thickened it a lot more. So, I am not offended or angered by your post. I can take it.
This evening was very interesting for me. My W started to ask questions about Retrovaille for the very first time. She wanted to learn more about the logistics of the event,of course being very coy about everything. This is the very first time she acknowledged our registration. My W was also very talkative this evening, even taking a 4-second "loving gaze" at me. I don't think she realized what she was doing.
This morning I was invited to the Gator game by my W. I initially declined b/c of a prior commitment, but I called during lunchtime to say "my plans changed...I'll go if the ticket is still available." My W seemed happy about it but suggested that I go to the fundraising golf event instead since I paid a $130 entry fee. She mentioned that there will more Gator games for me to attend. I simply agreed with her.
Who knows...maybe Sara's and Sandi's advice is starting to pay off for me. I have been very lighthearted and fun the last several weeks focusing most of my energy towards the kids. It's not over till it's over.
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Who knows...maybe Sara's and Sandi's advice is starting to pay off for me. I have been very lighthearted and fun the last several weeks focusing most of my energy towards the kids. It's not over till it's over.
First, GIMA I agree with you, you are not ready to ask her to go to Retro. I should not have said it the way I did. perhaps living near Disneyworld has made me jaded to the allure it has to others. It would be better to have said that when you are ready for Retrouvaille, you will not let anything stand in your way. But it takes two people, not necessarily both hoping to reconcile, but both hoping to find a way to end the painful way that they are living.
LFH, Orich told the truth, miracles occur at Retrouvaille, I can't explain why. It has to do with learning to relate to each other differently. And watching the lead couples tell their stories. It's in the way they relate to each other that it somehow conveys hope that even the worst relationship can be healed. For us, the rules of engagement were essential. We were unfair fighters and kept old hurts forever. Retrouvaille taught us how to leave that behind.
As for the Post sessions, you don't need to commit to those now. We did the weekend uncommitted to any followup. But after the weekend, we were hooked. We never missed a session. I made a special dish each week to bring and share with the group. It became something special that we enjoyed going to.
I would think that it would be fine to go to a weekend in one place, and Post sessions in another, but it is best to let your local group answer that question.
I would think that it would be fine to go to a weekend in one place, and Post sessions in another, but it is best to let your local group answer that question.
I received a response to my email from my local Retro program. We can do the weekend somewherelse, then do the follow-up sessions locally. I just don't know how we could do that, and attend the post sessions on schedule if we can't get the weekend session in before the local follow-up sessions.
Sara, no problem with your post. I just don't think it is time yet for us.
My W has only committed to the initial weekend retreat, but is refusing the 16-wk “after sessions.” I guess I should be happy regardless.
Let's pray that the weekend retreat will change her mind about the after sessions. I have been concerned that she agreed to attend on the initial weekend and chalk it up to her "trying to do her part in saving the M".....knowing all the time that she had no intentions of pursuing the after sessions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
