My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

I knew I was wrong for talking with W's friend. It felt wrong. I thought maybe she might put a little pressure on in my favor. But I also had a bad vibe...negative like she was looking for a different outcome. There I go manipulating and controlling. I had it coming.

[antlers]

Yeah...stay consistent in your words and actions, and demonstrate change. Strive to be strong, powerful, confident, secure, and compassionate. Fear immobilizes us, and makes us make poor decisions. Don't believe anything she says right now. Remember, 'filing' any paperwork IS NOT divorcing!

[aliveandkicking]

It means give up fighting for the marriage and go take care of myself.

They are not mutually exclusive. They are actually one and the same. Just pace yourself. What are you gonna do? Get rabid? No, you are going to be rational and cool and take care of yourself and that might piss her off but that does not mean giving up. It means respecting her choice and giving her what she is asking for (which includes some real inherent sacrifices for her).

I'm sad

I feel you but this is not over. Even if you think it is, smack down your fist and scream that it is...it is paperwork and logistics and it is a very big deal but it is not the end.

In one way, I wish H would file so I don't have to and we could just face the music and maybe someday, when the consequences have been faced fully, we can look at each other anew. Or not. There's a reason divorce is so hard. It hurts.

Do a 180. Say ok and leave it in her hands (IMO).

[aliveandkicking]

I knew I was wrong for talking with W's friend. It felt wrong. I thought maybe she might put a little pressure on in my favor. But I also had a bad vibe...negative like she was looking for a different outcome. There I go manipulating and controlling. I had it coming.

Not sure why you attribute this to your conversation with her friend. That is a bit of a stretch IMO. But, regardless, her email was rational, clear and succinct and she referenced her personal revelation and beliefs from her church experience...respect her enough to believe that this is coming from her.

[RedSoxFan]

I knew I was wrong for talking with W's friend. It felt wrong. I thought maybe she might put a little pressure on in my favor. But I also had a bad vibe...negative like she was looking for a different outcome. There I go manipulating and controlling. I had it coming.

Not sure why you attribute this to your conversation with her friend. That is a bit of a stretch IMO. But, regardless, her email was rational, clear and succinct and she referenced her personal revelation and beliefs from her church experience...respect her enough to believe that this is coming from her.

Friend was encouraging me to end it. She acted as if she was irate that I was continuing in a marriage where W was with other man. She said I deserved better. She talks to W daily. Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter. I'm tired of all this. I deserve better. I'm tired of hurting and waiting and I'm tired of felling guilty for being tired of hurting and waiting.

[aliveandkicking]

Well, I know you're hurting but I don't feel that you give your wife enough credit.

Anyway, there is no way around the hurt. You can handle this.

Again, the work you've done is supposed to be for you. You don't fall apart now. You stay strong and you stay rational. That doesn't mean you can't beat the sh*t out of a pillow but if you revert to some hostile, aggressive version of yourself, then this has all been for nothing.

Be you. Be cool. Take it one thing at a time. I get that you wanted her to have an epiphany and appreciate you and come running back, but that was an unrealistic and unfair expectations. You're both going to deal with the consequences now.

[RedSoxFan]

Well, I know you're hurting but I don't feel that you give your wife enough credit.

Can you say more?

Anyway, there is no way around the hurt. You can handle this.

Again, the work you've done is supposed to be for you. You don't fall apart now. You stay strong and you stay rational. That doesn't mean you can't beat the sh*t out of a pillow but if you revert to some hostile, aggressive version of yourself, then this has all been for nothing.

I can stop the hurt by deciding to move on. Right? I'm not angry. I don't want to hit anything. I'm sad and hurt and disappointed. I shouldn't ne married to someone who's seeing another man. It's not right. And I shouldn't feel terrible about the fact that it hurts me.

Be you. Be cool. Take it one thing at a time. I get that you wanted her to have an epiphany and appreciate you and come running back, but that was an unrealistic and unfair expectations. You're both going to deal with the consequences now.

What was a fair expectation?

[aliveandkicking]

[quote=aliveandkicking]Well, I know you're hurting but I don't feel that you give your wife enough credit.

Can you say more?

She made sense and explained exactly what her experience was and you still attribute her decision to her being influenced by her friend whom you spoke to. I think that is a tad demeaning, or do you think she is glib enough to make such a decision based on her friends opinion? Get my drift?

Anyway, there is no way around the hurt. You can handle this.

Again, the work you've done is supposed to be for you. You don't fall apart now. You stay strong and you stay rational. That doesn't mean you can't beat the sh*t out of a pillow but if you revert to some hostile, aggressive version of yourself, then this has all been for nothing.

I can stop the hurt by deciding to move on. Right? I'm not angry. I don't want to hit anything. I'm sad and hurt and disappointed. I shouldn't ne married to someone who's seeing another man. It's not right. And I shouldn't feel terrible about the fact that it hurts me.

No, moving on does not necessarily stop the hurt. It is divorce, it sucks and you still hurt during and after the process. If this helps relieve your hurt and resolve your angst...then you both have that in common and that's good. Of course you shouldn't feel terrible that the limbo has been hurting...I just think the notion that it can be over and done is a fallacy. However, you may feel some peace and relief with a resolution.

Be you. Be cool. Take it one thing at a time. I get that you wanted her to have an epiphany and appreciate you and come running back, but that was an unrealistic and unfair expectations. You're both going to deal with the consequences now.

What was a fair expectation?

A fair expectation was that this would take a long time and that she may not want to come back but that you are doing everything you can to hold up your end. We all want the epiphany breakthrough scenario but it usually doesn't happen that way.

[RedSoxFan]

BTW. Here's the previous email from 2 1/2 weeks ago where she brought up the D again. I just ignored it at that point. The recent email feels different. I assume it feels different because I was planning to have a talk with her any day now about my not being comfortable continuing to be married while she is with OM. Was planning to post on this forum tonight asking for advice on how I should do it.

I apologize for disrupting your dinner. You could have called me back. At this point I"m not sure what my plan will be for tomorrow. It is unlikely that I will go to event.

I appreciate the kindness and generosity you have extended to me. I'm sure it has been difficult. All of this has been difficult. I keep going over things in my head and it comes back to the same answer. I care a great deal about you but we can't be together. I need to live my life and find happiness on my own. As long as we're still married that ability is negatively impacted. I don't want to feel like I owe anyone anything. I want to live my life.. The marriage we had is over. It had good and bad times and sadly ended. The reality is that it did end. I can't go back nor do I want to go back to that marriage. I want to end the marriage and some how become friends. I want the decisions for my life to be my own. We do not see life the same or see people the same. I hope we can be friends - honest friends and good parents. I will get the paperwork from the attorney and give it to you to review. I'm sure we will have details to hash out. What she put together is a rough sketch because I didn't have all information.. I will do my best to coparent with you but I can't allow you to run my life or impact my decisions. I'm a good person and a good mom. I have made mistakes but my kids have never had to question if I was there for them. Ever. My request for you not to expose the kids to another woman was less than 2 months after you left and at a time you had basically disappeared from their lives. I have documenation to prove the time frame. You left them and you left their mother. It is very much different and the timing considerably different.. Regardless this is where we are. The kids have met OM. If I continue to date OM then I will not lie to the kids and they will have some exposure to him. I agreed to stop the sleep overs and the constant exposure but I in no way agreed to stop exposure completely. That is impossible without lies and i'm not going there.

[aliveandkicking]

You know what? Just breathe, take it in. Feel how you feel. It was an email.