Here's the fear I have with detaching - I'm still going to try it - but here's what happened before.
Over the summer I felt the way I feel now. H was moved out. I was trying to work on my M. My H was not interested. It was before DB, before I made some of the changes and 180's I've done like giving up theatre, showing more interest in his life, staying calm no matter what bait he throws at me, etc. But I felt I was trying the only way I knew how. I was much more on the fence myself. I was tired of his angry outbursts and his coldness. I felt hopeless. I kinda told him "work on this or I'm going to move on." I started dating, I spent time away from him, I lived my life without him. I even told him to start dating.
It didn't work to shock him. It didn't work to pull him back. That was a big mistake because that is when he started making moves to get the legal separation, to date that OW, and he told me he was preparing to move on without me. I realized eventually I didn't like dating or being a single parent any more than being M. We started MC (he left after three sessions) I found DB, made some changes and told him I was wrong and I do want to work on things.
I may or may not ended up exactly where i am today if I hadn't done these things. But I still blame myself for giving up to easily and acting on a separation I wasn't fully prepared for. He got used to being alone and thinking about a future without me and I actually encouraged it.
So I've been intentionally trying to be around when he is home so that I am making the effort to show him I care. He has felt neglected in the past so I'm trying to show him love, care, and interest. I'm trying to have a pleasant R without exploding. I'm trying to demonstrate my changes.
So now how to detach without the fear that this will just let him go again to be resolved to live without me? I have to invest in some time of solid R work to show I'm committed to the long haul.
I was reacting before to my own fantasies that I'd be happier with someone else. Also giving up because H didn't seem to want me and I was not fighting for what I want, I was just giving up.
So I get scared when he wants to be alone or with our S alone or doesn't want to touch me or talk to me. I never felt like this before the bomb. If anything, I was the more distant one. I was the one who was happy for us to just do our own thing - and I let our M suffer by not putting in the time. He felt rejected. He's hurt now.
How do I not give up on our M while also detaching?
