d1adsl5a is a H struggling with an Waw. I`d sent up a clumsy attempt at support this pm. Think he needs more polished replies-and maybe even 2x4s from the experts here.
d1adsl5a is a H struggling with an Waw. I`d sent up a clumsy attempt at support this pm. Think he needs more polished replies-and maybe even 2x4s from the experts here.
Won`t call you by name-you know who you are!
Its the In Limbo thread. Think its on newcomers.
Thanks!
He has a thread here in MLC too......not so sure he likes the advice he was getting......
Not enough I'm sorries and you are doing the exact right things .......
Boat, you have such a way with words....For a noob!
Allergic to wood...love it!
Advice please!
H gone this pm. Just didn`t turn up after work. No word to me or the kids re his night out, though I had sighted a new shirt yesterday and figured, yeah , night out in the offing.
Kidlet missed rugby. Texted his Dad to see if it was on but H never got back to him.
That`s what I hate. His on again/off again with the kids.
He`s not involved with an OW. I`m pretty much convinced of that cos he`s not able to be involved with anyone. Besides, it was a cheap shirt.Lol!
And today,coincidentally, I got my appt for mediation. For 6th Oct. Didn`t expect it this soon.
Yup, I`m feeling sad about mediation looming. Sad, and a little apprehensive. Hugely sad for the kids. S14 has his first round of State exams this academic year. There`s a gathering of clans for S12s confirmation in April.My Mum isn`t well.
Yeah, there`s never a good time...
And I`m on my spiritual journey. But...
H seems determined to get out. Aren`t guys like that? Once they make up their minds that`s that isn`t it?
Dunno how I can DB my way out of this phase. Once H is gone, word gets around, he won`t have the courage to come back. And really, I don`t think I should hold on to hope but just let him go and move on myself.
I`m dreading the fall out for the kids. Honestly, no matter what they suspect, they will not be ready for this.
I`m dreading the financial consequences.
I`m dreading the confrontation in mediation.
Just wouldn`t mind if someone stepped in here and took all this on cos I`m a bloody coward!
And I`m not allergic to wood-or even metal-so kick me hard someone and tell me how to BE at this point.
BE you. Don't worry about being anything, or anyone, else.
I know you are worried about the kids. And I know it will be hard for them. But a lot of how it is for them is going to come from how it is for you. They will follow your example. If you are confident that things will be ok for them, they will be, too!
I was worried to death about telling our kids, especially the younger two, S11 and S14. But in truth, and I am not making this up, they have been better from the day we told them. They knew something was up, for sure. But the reduction in tension when we told them was incredible. Is it the ideal? Of course not! Does it have to ruin their lives? NO!!!!!
I don't know what to expect in mediation, but my advice would be to let the mediator handle the confrontation, while you listen, and work towards a fair deal. H is most likely going to propose some things that don't make any sense to you. Try not to get angry... it probably makes sense to him! Let the mediator steer him away from that stuff, I expect they've heard it all!
As far as guys, and making up their minds... I don't know. I think the hard part in getting them to "come back", men or women, is their pride. It's definitely a hard nut to crack. All you can do is make what you can control safe for him. After that it is up to him.
Breathe, in and out, in and out. Really deep breaths.
Don't worry about the mediation. Remember about thoughts and things. If you think it will be bad, it will. Let the mediators do their job. Besides, isn't this just the first step?
I'll repeat, breathe. In, Out, In, Out. Close your eyes and find your center.
The kids will be fine. IMO, it might be time to sit them down and tell them something. I don't really know what exactly because you don't really know what H is going to do, or is doing.
If OW, well, so be it. If not, well, so be it right now.
Get a hold of yourself, know that you are strong, and you will survive. It actually sounds like you've got a lot of other stuff to focus on right now besides H. I know it would be great to have him there for support and stuff but...
So H didn't come home and didn't respond to text. If something horrible happens to him, I'm sure someone will contact you. Until then, let it roll and be for you. Be for your kids. You can do this. Love you, you know.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Dunno how I can DB my way out of this phase. Once H is gone, word gets around, he won`t have the courage to come back. And really, I don`t think I should hold on to hope but just let him go and move on myself.
FG,
Listen, First of all, remember that DB'ing is for YOU.
You have done an amazing job with all of this crap so far. What is happening right now NEEDS TO HAPPEN.
They are all things that HE needs to do to get to the other side.
Things that happen FOR YOU, should be the things that you need to do for your happiness through this.
Part of your journey..
The kids ? Yea, that stings. They didn't deserve any of this.
But that CAN'T change your devotion to them....
Who better to SHOW them the proper way to deal with adversity than you ?
This can be positive for them and you if you choose to view it that way.
Through their lives, they will run into situations where they are lost and confused as to how they should handle different situations. Then they will remember and think of how awesome their Mother did it when she was faced with tough times.
It is how you SHOW them Dignity, Honor , and Grace that will matter to them and mold them into the people they will eventually become in their lives...
It can start now, Be the memory today, that you want them to have tomorrow.....
Thanks so much guys. Three inspiring posts.I just get so panic stricken at times.
VH I take huge courage from your statement that your boys took the news so well and that it actually helped relieve tension.
Yeah, I have to stay with me. Be me. Not the mad hag I became through the crazy time of last winter.
I often read your thread, even if I don`t always post there but you seem to be doing so well with it all too. I think DBing before separation might help us work through some of the grief bit at least before splitting up.
Cat, yes, I`m breathing! Tried to meditate last night but just couldn`t get settled enough in myself. Made up for that this morning then put on my best dress(battle gear!) and boots to get me through the day.
I`m not pushing for separation but if H wants to go I won`t stop him. Didn`t expect mediation to happen this soon as I`d been told my the mediation ppl it would take eight weeks but it is what it is. I have breathe deep and accept it.
Like that, Boat, Dignity and Honor and Grace. I`ve learnt that through DB. Not up on my high horse anymore. Not Ms Drama Queen.My dear brother is fond of saying that our job as parents is to make happy memories for our kids. I forgot that I am part of that memory bank for them. I was conscious last night of being so unpresent to them. I tried to give each of them time but my head was away with the mediation thing.
Calm. Move forward. Deep breathes. I can do this.
Funny thing is H this am was as normal as he has been in a while. Not normal, normal but just a little better.
Oh and he didn`t get the notice re mediation yet-I left that in the letterbox. Letterbox has no key attached to wall so he won`t get it unless D9 fishes it out!
I have been following along but not posted because I don't have any earth shattering advice - looks like people have posted some good stuff.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this and have this mediation now looming over your head. I know you can handle whatever is thrown your way. You have done a fantastic job of it so far.
Maybe this is what your H needs to be able to work through things. We don't know what the future holds and how it will play out but I know you are doing your best and are a great mom and will be a rock for your kids.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Have a great weekend!
Thanks! I really appreciate your reading through my stuff. I know that feeling of not being able to give good advice-especially when there`s wiser ones than me on board-but it`s also good to know that others are in a similar situation.
My dear GF who knows my sitch also says that H has to go to the separated place to really know what he wants. She been saying that for the last year.
I`m feeling stronger today. Really thinking that I can stay solid for my kids and that they`ll be in a more honest place when H is gone.
He`s been gone for such a long time already. I`m trying to figure actually if he`s ever been here in the first place!
