Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

I get it. I do the same thing with my H. I don't want to "reward" him by letting him go. But that's DB. We need to demonstrate the 180 of acceptance, or else they do feel controlled. They will never make the decision one way or the other to be with us as long as they are reacting to our pressure to reconcile.

My advice is more an inner attitude - doesn't have to be said directly to spouse. And it doesn't have to be as extreme as "If W does.... then I'll leave". It can be an inner attitude of smaller 180's - "if W .... then I will .... leave the room... not talk to her... watch tv or eat by myself... " the point being that your bottom line is for you and you alone. You know that in that moment you don't want to be treated that way so you won't. In that moment. Nothing even has to be said. They will notice.

Thanks. This helps me see it a little differently.

I have done some of these things. She doesn't seem to notice much. Maybe, maybe not. At least I don't have to sit there for it and I can go do something I enjoy.

I need to take care of myself better. I have to realize this is no good for me. So tonight, a small step. I will go out after dinner. When he is here, I will go exercise and go to the library to work or read books. I will take care of me. Not for his reaction.

Good for you!

Because I'm hurting myself by trying to convince someone who isn't ready to be close to me. It is kind of controlling. We need to recognize that.

I hadn't looked at it like tht either. You're making a lot of sense to me today.