Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[givingitmyall]

BIM,

Maybe its in your earlier posts (which I haven't read, admittedly), but why are you guys talking to the kids about this? Your H is WAY out of line for dnagling this in front of the kids. And, I am not sure why you are bringing this up to S on the walk last night.

Let me know if I missed something (which is entirely possible). And if I missed it, I'm sorry.

But I see nothing but harm (to the children) from ANYONE discussing something that may or may not happen.

My mother (who is on H #4) did this to me growing up, and I can tell you it had a he!! of an impact on me, and NOT in a good way.

[brownidmom]

It wasn't intended. When H did what he did 4 years ago and told S, then 4, that he was leaving because Mommy told a lie, S kept inquiring. Bless his innocent little heart, he would have nightmares and cry a lot, broke my heart. I always tried to fix it by just saying that I love his F, always will, and that both of us will always love him and his B.

Apparently now, H is making comments to them in the car on the way to school, like saying " I won't be when my woman leaves" in response to a radio show saying not to be a sore loser if your woman leaves. Or another when the show is talking about what women have to offer, he said, "Most of them nothing, especially your mother."

S came to me unsolicited with these things after he heard the verbal exchange on Sunday evening. There was no yelling or screaming, but he heard H say something to the effect of me not taking care of the kids and I think it scared him. I just apologized that he had to hear such things. SO~ not trying to get S to take sides or drag him into this, that was already done by H. I have told him that it is a grown-up issue that he should try not to think about, but that I wouldn't lie to him if things were going to change. I never say anything bad about H to them, always say I love all 3 of my guys so much to the boys so they know.

So, while I know it isn't necessarily the best way to have handled the sitch, when you have a very astute child on your hands who pays attention to EVERYTHING, I figured it wasn't best to lie since that was what got us here in the first place, BUT I DO KNOW that he needs to be left out of it.

How can I tell H to leave the kids out of it without him figuring out that S has told me what he has been saying? S told me that H told them that if they tell his business to their M, they will be punished. S asked me not to say he had told.

Oh, and why H is doing this... He figured out that I have been documenting some of the things he says/does. He told me that I better have really good documentation because it wasn't going to be as easy as I thought to get the kids. BTW, no reason that SHOULD happen,- no drugs, drinking, or even smoking for that matter. THing is, H was the one to always told me to document things.

I have decided that I will offer to get counseling to the boys if our circumstances change. That, and not talking about it seems the best I can do. Feedback appreciated.

[karen43]

I have decided that I will offer to get counseling to the boys if our circumstances change. That, and not talking about it seems the best I can do. Feedback appreciated.

That sounds good. And I agree with you if you are forced to answer their questions, you should be truthful minus the nasty kind of stuff your H does.

To teach them to not tell mom stuff is horrible! I think kids should always be encouraged to tell both parents what's going on and communicate with them. Because that is horrible if they feel they can't be honest & communicate with their parents! Horrible!!! I always tell my kids that they should be free about telling their mom and dad anything.

And trash-talking the other parent is just as bad. I've read all over the place that's really harmful for the kids. I think therapy would be a great idea, and maybe the therapist could meet with your H and give him advice/pointers. I think he needs therapy prob. more than anyone or a parenting class or something...

[PainfulDusk]

HUGS. Sorry to hear your H is involving your son in your sitch. I dont have children , but you seem to be on the right track, listening to your son and being there for him. Someone with children can give better insight on that part of it.

As for divorce, that really is your decision. My friends are all yelling for the big D as well, but I dont want one. Thats my decision. I will continue GALing as I always have. EVeryone has to decide on their own how much is enough.

Keeping focusing on yourself and your children.

Dusk

[givingitmyall]

He told me that I better have really good documentation because it wasn't going to be as easy as I thought to get the kids.

Not if he keeps up the way he is acting towards the kids. How selfish a human being can be. Immature. Sorry, but your H is SO OUT OF LINE here. Sorry you have to deal with that. And, yes, given your sitch, I think you have to be honest with your children. Man, that sucks for them and you.

Any idea if your H will get in C, even if its just part of the "Kids' C?" I'm sure he can't see it, but he's really damaging his R with them, and hurting them.

[brownidmom]

Thanks everybody for your responses.

No, I don't believe H will go to C. If he knows that I am taking the boys for C about this sitch, he probably wouldn't let them go. I figure I will go myself a few times and then take the boys.

This morning, I told me S8 that he shouldn't feel like he HAS to tell me the bad stuff that H says about me, just if it was really bothering him or he really felt like he needed to. I told him that I don't want him to feel like he has to take sides, to leave the worrying up to the grown-ups. I know him though, he is very cerebral and he will ruminate on it and let it make him angry or hurt or both. AND he is very protective of me.

I really feel like I have a dilemna on my hands. I don't want to tell H that S told me what he has been saying, but I feel it is important to tell him to leave the boys out of this and stop badmouthing me.

[givingitmyall]

I really feel like I have a dilemna on my hands. I don't want to tell H that S told me what he has been saying, but I feel it is important to tell him to leave the boys out of this and stop badmouthing me.

You do have dilemma on your hands.

I think this is a tough call, but if it's me, I would have to put the kids' interests above even my M. Your H isn't.

[brownidmom]

My kids are and will always come before my M. My dilemma is that my S8 asked me not to tell H what he told me because H told him he would be punished. I don't even know what I will accomplish by telling H I know he has been saying things. H can be very indignant; it won't change anything except maybe make H's behavior worse.

I love my H. I have been with him more than half my life. I would love for our M to improve so I can grow old with him. BUT I CANNOT allow him to continue to disrespect me to my boys and constantly accuse me of things I haven't done. I am beginning to think I have hit a wall. I don't want to leave my M, but I don't want to be in this sitch any longer. It is not good for me and it isn't good for my boys.

[givingitmyall]

I love my H. I have been with him more than half my life. I would love for our M to improve so I can grow old with him. BUT I CANNOT allow him to continue to disrespect me to my boys and constantly accuse me of things I haven't done. I am beginning to think I have hit a wall. I don't want to leave my M, but I don't want to be in this sitch any longer. It is not good for me and it isn't good for my boys.

Sounds like a boundary issue to me - the kids' well being. The boundary being he not tell the kids about problems that are truly only your's and his. I understand your dilemma. Are you worried more that your H will punish your S (and what exactly would he do?) or that you will have to deal with H again?

I suppose an alternative to telling him what S told you is a discussion in which you tell him the D issues are to be discussed only between you two, and no one else. He will probably see through this, but I think the issue has to be addressed.

Does he love his children? If he does, he should be able to understand (he probably won't) how much he is hurting them by his childish and disrespectful behavior.

But, you can only set a boundary if you are preapred to follow through with enforcing it if H breaks the boundary.

So, your H talks D issues with your kids, won't get counseling and is disrepectful to you in front of your kids. Why are you putting up with that again?

[brownidmom]

GIMA~ Yes, H loves the boys, tells them they are the best thing to ever happen to him. And he spends a lot of quality time with them.

He is very hard on them though, in a way that is overprotective. Ex. S6 is kind of clumsy, very athletic, but clumsy nonetheless. We were in the parking lot of a restaurant 2 weeks ago on vacation and I am walking with S6, holding his hand. He decides to get up on the concrete bumper (not sure what else to call it) that is at the front of every parking space. H looks back and yells at him to get down from there. I just think that doing those kinds of things is part of being a kid, but H won't have it because he believes S will get hurt. Also, if one of them (or me) trips or something, you can actually see anger or annoyance on his face. It used to make me so bad until I finally realized that he will control anything he can to keep someone he loves from getting hurt. I voiced that to him very clearly, but he never acknowledged or denied it.

So, when I think about what he might do to keep the boys with him, it makes me nervous. His F left when he was 5 yo, so he definitely has serious trust issues. Has always said he would never leave his kids like his F did.

When S8 first told me what he was saying, my very first thought was that he was trying to prepare them in case we S. But then I thought about it and realized that there are many other ways to do it much more thoughtfully. It almost feels like H is trying to bully me with my own kids, turn them against me.

Another thing about H is that he is a master at mind games. He can size people up in a way that I have never seen before in my life. Also very picky about who he befriends, etc. H would turn anything that I say to him about talking to the boys around on me somehow.

My thoughts are leading me to believe that I have to S, but I need to be very careful about how I proceed because I have asked him to leave before and he refused, said it was his house and wouldn't leave. When I have asked him to sleep in the guest room, H said he would sleep where he wanted. And, if you read my entire thread, you know he eluded to leaving in July but never got around to it and when I asked earlier in the week, said everything happens in its time.

I feel like I need to have a couple of sessions with a C, consult with a L, and then be very smart into putting plan into action. There is no "legal separation" in my state, it is just separation with a separation agreement. I need to make DARN SURE that my custody issues are taken care of beforehand so he can't pull one on me and try to keep them with him 24/7.

I'll go one further to say that once H finds out that I have seen an attorney and filed, that I am the one leaving this marriage, not him. Just like he is already blaming me to my boys.

To add to everything, we do not have any family where we live. H's is 3 hours away, mine about 8 away. Neither of us ever liked the idea of babysitters because we both worked FT and had them in daycare. Our dates without them were literally taking a day off work to be together. I say all this to say that I will have to have detailed plans in place because I have nobody here to help me with the boys. I could call my MIL to come down and she would. She is as baffled as I am and very disappointed in H.