You're right. I need to do a better job with boundaries.
I haven't really done anything here because my only recourse would be to tell her that if she..., I would leave/ask her to leave. Well, I don't want to leave my home. I didn't want her to either. So that has been a struggle for me. In addition, she has wanted to be apart so it would be more like a reward than a consequence at this point. Another BIG thing is that one of the major themes i nher revolving issues is that I have tried to control her. If I told her that if she...I would... she would see this as controlling and feel justified in her fog.
I get it. I do the same thing with my H. I don't want to "reward" him by letting him go. But that's DB. We need to demonstrate the 180 of acceptance, or else they do feel controlled. They will never make the decision one way or the other to be with us as long as they are reacting to our pressure to reconcile.
My advice is more an inner attitude - doesn't have to be said directly to spouse. And it doesn't have to be as extreme as "If W does.... then I'll leave". It can be an inner attitude of smaller 180's - "if W .... then I will .... leave the room... not talk to her... watch tv or eat by myself... " the point being that your bottom line is for you and you alone. You know that in that moment you don't want to be treated that way so you won't. In that moment. Nothing even has to be said. They will notice.
Per your response to my thread - I'm trying that tonight too. I know that bottom line, I don't want to be rejected any more. I will not attempt to cuddle him or hug him not to get a reaction out of him, but because I don't want to feel the pain of being the only one interested in working on this M. I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I also don't want to be blamed for all our problems. Does this mean I will just up and leave him for good? No. I don't want that either. But if I am pursuing someone who is unavailable to me, and hurting me through their blame, I need to take care of myself better. I have to realize this is no good for me. So tonight, a small step. I will go out after dinner. When he is here, I will go exercise and go to the library to work or read books. I will take care of me. Not for his reaction. Because I'm hurting myself by trying to convince someone who isn't ready to be close to me. It is kind of controlling. We need to recognize that.
