Thanks coach. I realize what I'm doing as I'm doing it and catch myself, like "DOH!". It's only during sensitive discussions that take a darker tone that I slip.
I've gotten much better at keeping my thoughts to myself, and remembering to ask myself "will this further me along in my goals to save the marriage or drive a bigger wedge between us?"
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I've gotten much better at keeping my thoughts to myself, and remembering to ask myself "will this further me along in my goals to save the marriage or drive a bigger wedge between us?"
That's a great technique to stop. Now go a step further and replace your negative emotion with a positive one. This is a gift you give yourself.
Quote:
He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more! And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of *ten* Grinches, plus two!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks coach. I realize what I'm doing as I'm doing it and catch myself, like "DOH!". It's only during sensitive discussions that take a darker tone that I slip.
I've gotten much better at keeping my thoughts to myself, and remembering to ask myself "will this further me along in my goals to save the marriage or drive a bigger wedge between us?"
One of the things I've realized is that the answer is NOT to withhold the issues you have. It is ALSO NOT to let them build as resentment and come out as criticism.
If something is bothering me (or you), then it is my responsibility (your responsibility) to to bring it up to my wife, and to do it in a way that is constructive and considerate of her point of view.
I have found that if I hold it in and let it build, it comes out as a fight later. She gets angry about HOW I am saying things and HOW I am acting and it destroys the R.
In those cases where I have managed to bring it up and discuss it CORRECTLY, we have been able to work through it, things change for the better, and my resentment goes away.
I would really recommend reading "Crucial Conversations" and/or "Crucial Confrontations"
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thanks coach. I realize what I'm doing as I'm doing it and catch myself, like "DOH!". It's only during sensitive discussions that take a darker tone that I slip.
I've gotten much better at keeping my thoughts to myself, and remembering to ask myself "will this further me along in my goals to save the marriage or drive a bigger wedge between us?"
One of the things I've realized is that the answer is NOT to withhold the issues you have. It is ALSO NOT to let them build as resentment and come out as criticism.
If something is bothering me (or you), then it is my responsibility (your responsibility) to to bring it up to my wife, and to do it in a way that is constructive and considerate of her point of view.
I have found that if I hold it in and let it build, it comes out as a fight later. She gets angry about HOW I am saying things and HOW I am acting and it destroys the R.
In those cases where I have managed to bring it up and discuss it CORRECTLY, we have been able to work through it, things change for the better, and my resentment goes away.
I would really recommend reading "Crucial Conversations" and/or "Crucial Confrontations"
Good points thinker. With my W, the times I bring up things that are bothering me that she responds are due to what SHE's feeling, I get a much better reaction when I validate her feelings. Almost as if she says to herself, "wow, he understands how I feel; he's not getting mad at me for feeling this way."
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Hitting somewhat of a new milestone for me. While looking at pictures of the kids my W showed me on her phone, I paged through and found pics of the OM as well as the OM with W. Natural reaction - anger, especially since there are no pics of me on the phone. So I was mad for about 10 minutes and then decided to hell with it, my wife is gone. There is just this woman here who lives with me who has deep emotional and psychological issues. I said nothing to her about the pictures, which is different from what I would have done in the past, and just let it roll off my back.
I'm going to treat it as if I'm living with a mental patient who can't control what she is doing until she decides to do something about it. I won't be cruel to her, she is in a state which is consuming her and causing her to act in ways she wouldn't be acting in if she was "normal". She knows she is doing wrong, she has admitted it many times. I can't stop it until she wants to stop and gets help.
We're going to schedule time with a MC, which hopefully will help, especially if they can get her to understand that she NEEDS help. Until then, I am going to live my life, look out for me and the kids, and let her sort herself out. I won't allow anything that imposes on me or my dignity, but I'm going to let her go her way while I go mine. She's now a roommate with problems that she needs to deal with on her own. I won't let her problems impact me or what I do. And I will treat her as a roommate who just happens to be the mother of my 3 kids.
I will no longer initiate even the slightest affection. If she wants it, she'll have to give it. I'm through with anything that even hints of pursuit. So I guess I've entered into the LRT phase of my DBing. We'll see what happens from here. I'm LRTing because I can't force her out of the house since I have made the decision that I won't file for divorce or separation, for many reasons that I've previously posted.
Any lies or blatant disrespect will have consequences that I will have to figure out on my own. While we are still very friendly at home, from here on out its just me and the kids. The roommate can choose to tag along, but will be treated just as if she was a male friend.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I'm through with anything that even hints of pursuit.
Isn't that what you were told to do in the very beginning of DBing? I hope you can stick to it.
It was, but initial attempts were met with anger and frustration by my W thinking I was slipping back into the same old me. Granted I think I went a little far with it, where I was basically ignoring her and not being happy and oblivious to her mood. Kind of showing displeasure with her through my behavior rather than words. So I adjusted a bit, showing small signs of affection such as hugs and good night kisses, but I found that it really made no difference in our situation.
Maybe our situation has evolved a bit since the bomb. All I know is that the adjustments due to the reaction I got from my wife did not make anything better. So now I'm going back to eliminating any "couples affection" and just being friendly, like I would be to a male friend who is a roommate. Interestingly, she initiated a good night hug yesterday, which she had not done in quite a while. I treated it like I would a "man hug", basically letting her hug me as I said "good night".
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
More interesting stuff at bedtime. W mentioned her church sermon was about recognizing when God is sending you a message. She said it made her think about things I had told her, such as her losing her job where the OM is, and her ongoing physical health problems that began shortly before the EA and keep nagging her.
She was half asleep, but even so I just kind of listened and said nothing much. Don't know what this will lead to, but it gives some clue as to what she's been thinking about.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
She said it made her think about things I had told her, such as her losing her job where the OM is, and her ongoing physical health problems that began shortly before the EA and keep nagging her.
Did you tell your wife that God is punishing her?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
