We all make mistakes at this. Especially in the beginning. It's ok.
Please listen to the others. Slow down.
Ok so I am going to say the Kids are number one priority right now?
That is good. One thing you are going to have to wrap your head around though, people parent differently. People in MLC, parent questionably. The LOVE is there, but it is not expressed from the point of a responsible adult most of the time. Even if they KNOW the kids should not be doing certain things, they allow it.
So I would suggest that you stop worrying what W thinks about your parenting. Personally, if D was trying to deflect the focus from what she did by playing mom against dad, well she should be grounded. I never would have asked my S 10 times to have his friends step out so we could talk. At time 2, I would have escorted them to the door. But that is me.
You can not judge her though for her parenting. Unless she is really doing major damage that is. Keep the talks to information only. This is what they did, said, whatever, this is my response. And then LISTEN. The stuff that comes out of our Spouses mouths can be very interesting and educational if we just listen.
I have found that it is important to ME to keep H informed. I just had to really let go of thinking he would do anything about it. Right now he just can't.
One step at a time.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
But with every text, every point of contact about what is going on with your Daughter while she is in your care, You are sending the signal to your wife that you can't handle things.
The only thing you HAVE to do right now is inform her of the decision YOU made to the incident.
IF she is MLC, she cannot handle herself right now, let alone be a responsible parent.
You gotta find a way to be the parent. She has enough buddys.
This is tough to do, and although we can offer advice, it is up to YOU to get control of this.
I agree with Cat, after the second time, things are NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Living with a MLCer is the most difficult thing you will EVER do. It requires patience, tongue biting, detatchment in a major way, more tongue biting, patience, patience, and a great support system to help you stay sane.
The support system is here, the other stuff you have to do for yourself, but it can be done.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Based upon what spouse said,the key being,she did everything for everyone....Knowing mistakes I made to date.When,if we talk or text,short sweet,got it.Wait for her and I know why she's not offering much,withdrawling and she knows I was passing info to counselor...Do I just let it go?Tell her not doing it,won't do it?
I'm not going to do it anymore,I'm the one that got thrown under a bus.Don't trust counselor now myself.
The thing that makes me happiest is the kids.That's what I'm trying to wrap my head around,how to be with them more.
Do I just wait for MLC to come to me and offer to take over,at somepoint she's going to go to replay and want to live and do.You think? She really never did.We both worked hard and didn't give much time for ourselves.
Last nite got a lot better for D and I,I told her my concerns.And we laughed and she knows I care.
Like Jack said when I have kids parent my way.At somepoint will MLC realize not questioning her,just don't want kids getting away with murder or hurt.
Need an outline please...does that make sense.
I have been reading threads and I think she asked me to leave early in the Anger process. So I haven't found anything that quite matches my situation.
I gave a lot of information to this point. I really just want to keep things short and sweet. I am coachable. I can stay sane if I can see and parent and have fun with kids.
You are wrong. She is already in replay if this is MLC and only you can know for certain if that is what you think.
Changes in parenting, blaming, OM/friend. I could list more because I know it is in there but following you has been hard.
You seem a little calmer this morning. That is good.
You CAN tell her you won't talk to therapist, but she won't believe you until you really don't do it anymore. You can tell her all sorts of things and explain everything you want. But it is the actions they see. It is the actions they come to believe. It is about being.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
She more lax with the kids,mean as heck to me,and what she is saying,I think she's still really in the Anger.July 13 is when really upset all thru now.
Last wk she was pretty decent on texts and emails.
I did notice though D was sick and I texted D sounds like she did when she was younger.D has asthma.
She's going to work and I know she's paid some bills.And the house was clean this week.Two wks ago it wasn't.
And yes I am calmer,I have knowledge now on what's going on with her and I picked up on what she's after.And I know now it's not all me.She was hurting inside for a long time,now she's really hurting.
The only plan you need is the one for yourself. If you set goals (even small ones are good) and work towards them, you will probably find you feel better.
You want to be as better parent (as do I), how do you plan to get there?
I know you've read alot about MLC. How about parenting? There are some really good books on that too.
Are you the man you always wanted to be? If you are, great. If not, who is that man? What does he look like, sound like and how does he behave?
