Dreams of a New Normal...

[RedSoxFan]

I have to take responsibility for the fact that I don't really know what will make me happy. I have learned how to be happy no matter what so I am now more attached to the outcome for my children than for myself...I'm not sure if that makes sense but, really, we have moved so many times and things are absolutely contrary to how I envisioned them, we have no real roots, we have friends all over in different areas...my children's well-being and quality of life is of paramount importance to me and is directly correlated to my satisfaction with my life. I don't live through them but being their mom is #1 on my list.

[Speaking in my gentle, kind and caring voice] To be honest, I just read a series of really well crafted excuses. Excuses written by a person who knows what happiness is, has every right and reason to be happy, is not going to allow it to happen. Taking responsibility for it means allowing it to happen A&K.

I just had an hour long conversation initiated by S9 crying about his fear of death. It evolved into one of those most memorable events where S9, just before falling asleep, declared that he is so happy to be him, not me, not his brother, not x or y or z but himself...it was so wonderful.

Somewhere in there I asked them what they think is at the top of my list of what I'm grateful for and S6 said "your marriage"...that really floored me and led to a touchy conversation...one of those, I wish H could hear what I'm hearing moments but as I told my kids, things don't always appear to be just how you want them, but they are just how they are meant to be. Sounds trite but we explored the topic more and it was so good.

I have two amazing boys. I am really blessed. I have diverged a bit here but since I can't share this with H, I figured I'd share it here.

See this is why I'm so in awe of you and the people on this forum who brave it out through the toughest of circumstances. It's because you really get what this is all about. What's important. I feel so sorry for the WASs who are unable or unwilling to 'get it' and consequently don't get to experience wonderful moments like these.

You are blessed