I must say this is one of the most structured MLCs I have seen an LBS allow.
Your 3 year old son deserves the best chance you can give your marriage.
One of the worst mistakes people make is determining what someone else is thinking. Mistakes tend to compound especially when that happens.
You posted that he has done a bunch of things you wanted him to, do you realize how great that is?
But he FILED, I put it in caps for you, hell he even said he didn't know why. And you cannot get past that. Your sky isn't falling because your tearing it down.
Can you please listen to Beginners Mind her post yesterday at 10:17 is right the f on.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It's all just so weird and frankly, if he filed to keep me in line or to scare me....well that just sucks. But if he filed to really end it, then well, that sucks more, truth be told. But I guess his list is a good indication he'll try, but who knows?
You really can't know what they are thinking. It would help, but I don't think even he knows.
S, I get that this is confusing and frustrating for you. And you feel like you are doing all the changing and all the work on the marriage.
Here's the thing. The only thing that you can control is you. If you want to walk this journey, that is something you have to really get your mind around.
If you dont, you are going to continue going in circles trying to figure this out, trying to get him to committ, trying to get him to change, trying to read his mind.
Thats why in dbing, we say, it is for you. It is for you to become the person you were meant to be. It is for you to find yourself. It is for you to figure out what makes you happy.
You keep expecting things from him, a committment from him and he cant give you those things now. He just cant. He is trying to get through this crisis. He is trying to swim to the top. And everytime he is getting near it, you put an expectation on him and he starts to lose ground.
Now, you can continue to be angry feeling like its all you. And then you can end the marriage.
But if you really dont want that, it is imperative that you live for you and your son. You do what you need to do for you.
And let your h work through this thing. I am not talking about letting him pass on his obligations. I am talking about you backing way the hell up.
I have some amendments to his list. We'll see. He's here right now "indisposed" so not a whole lot of time but basically it has to be exclusive for me. That part reminds me too much of when he came home and said he wanted to date other people but no he hadn't met anyone else yet...but really he had.
Yes I too am having problems with the lists. It just feels so contrived instead of just being who you are right now with each other.
S-we all get boundaries, self respect, whatnot. It is ok if you really want to be done. But I don't feel like that is what you want. You are tired. Sit back and be Stronger.
Yes you need things and it would be nice if you could have them now. But he is not capable of it and trying to get him to say it, well he might agree just to shut you up, or he might just say, this is too much and F' it. Not really knowing if he wants to do either of those things.
I am not saying be a doormat. You may find that there is another OW, and that might just be the final straw for you. Or not. But trying to make it an issue before it is one is a sure way to get the result you don't want.
You mentioned something about 9 months. As long as that seems, that really isnt' that long in the life of MLC.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
It's absolutely not that long, I agree. I could have gone on much longer if there was no filing.
He was the one who asked What exactly is it you want? What do you think we need to work on here? Hence the lists. He has one too.
Also, he is very visual and needs to write things down, always has been so the actual written lists helps him. I could remember things if we just talked about it, but he's always been more prone to letters, which with all I've read about men and how they communicate, that's not all that unusual. He normally starts his R talks off with an email and then we talk about it. So, the lists may sound weird to others, it's not to us as a couple.
And now we're at 10 months. Just realized that today. And again, really not that long in the life of an MLCer. Truth be told, I'm not sure if he's 100% MLCer.
He may not be. Or at least not all that bad. Our first crisis, I never ever would have thought that. In fact, it was when I started putting puzzle pieces together this time, realizing that I was reliving OUR past, I was hearing the same things 10 years later with some new twists (not just about us but his life in general), that it made sense.
The confusion says a lot to me though. He is obviously very uncertain of what he wants deep down. He wanted to come home, but he filed and he doesn't really know why. He acted, and is unsure of what that act really means. It has affected you deeply, that is obvious. I can't say I have a clue how it would affect me cuz that is ONE thing I haven't experienced.
You stay on my mind a lot even if I don't post to you often. You have good movement here, MLC or not, and he IS trying, but so often it just doesn't seem like it is enough for you. Don't push. Accept what he CAN give you. If it is true forward motion, it will continue and you will see more. If it isn't, you will know that too.
Whatever works for communication is what works. With my H, it is one word sentences and then a lot of time for him to process it. So who knows what is normal but each of us individually.
Stronger, you have a chance that so many of us would kill for right now. I think that is why people are fighting you so hard to see it as we see it, as your H might see it. Please please please, disregard the filing as more than what it is, a piece of paper. Being legally D might just be what he needs, might actually be what is good for both of you. I know, sounds backwards but...
I have seen people who CANNOT be married, but can be D, live together, and be totally 100% committed. One couple I know, just had their 5th wedding to each other. They will probably D again, but they are better that way. There was a discussion around here last week I think about how important that piece of paper is. To some, it makes everything really great, to others they feel like they never need it, and for the final group, it sort of changes things in a bad way.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I do understand and things were going along very well. The filing really did throw me for a loop but I think the way I handled finding out about it and when I was actually served went a long way for H. I did not freak out. I was even able to not seemed surprised. (Academy Award goes to Stronger!....then Kanye West intrupts my speech.)
But anyhoo.
We'll figure it out.
And yes, I would rather save my marriage. BUT if he REALLY wants out, then I'm no longer going to fight for this. I can now say I have done everything, now that I've asked for the extension. I wish he would consider counseling, and I do have the legal option to ask for it from the courts and would probably get it since we have a child together. But I said in an earlier post, that would be like trapping an angry bear in a very weak trap and then poking him. It would not be received well and he's flat out said "I will not participate. The judge can send me, but he can't make me participate."
I just spoke with my therapist. I'll see her next Tuesday. Always good to see her. The funny thing, my H constantly compliments her and encourages me to see her, yet he doesn't believe in therapy. Go figure.
