Although my H tonight said he will see how MC goes (good sign), he also follwed with how he doesn't think anything can change because he's "traumatized from the past." He claims to have PTSD from me.
Oh please. He gives me PTSD every time he comes home and yells at me.
Which, by the way, he did again - tonight. I started to react and changed my tune. I went to my support group and when I came back he watched a show with me. I cuddled up to him for the first time since the bomb. He complained and said he had to go to bed but said "OK, for a minute". AFter my allotted minute, I tried to kiss him and he pulled away.
I don't deal well with rejection, can you tell? He says some stupid crap about me giving him PTSD and all I want to do is make new memories of love and coziness.
Good news- I got a one minute cuddle. Bad news - I shouldn't be pushing. I should be making him miss me.
Damn, I wanted to give up on DB tonight. After our fight and he just uses it to tell me to get lost and I worry he'll divorce me and then tells me what a traumatizing person I am - then I pursue? WTF is wrong with me? IF someone doesn't want to be with me, why can't I get a clue?
Nevertheless, like you said - if he feels "traumatized" I should have more empathy. I just don't like being blamed for his pain. I could have a lot more empathy if he was struggling with his own demons instead.
Because he had calmed down when I got home, spent time with me calmly talking and watching a show - it felt good. It felt like he wasn't going away. It felt like little by little he was coming back.
Today is the six month anniversary of the bomb. Bad memories for me. And all he can do is talk about HIS pain. And rub it in that he's glad it happened. Why do I put up with this. I wish I was strong enough to stop taking crumbs and being ever available. I do'nt know if I can do this DB stuff.
