Weekend was great. H was there for the first part of it and it went pretty good with him. Then he was gone for a few days and for some reason (?) he started a fight with me on Saturday night.
This is a usual tactic with him anyway since he is at work and I am out doing something with our friends. It's like he is jealous that I can hang with friends and he is at work. It's not my fault that he has a job over the road building water towers and that I stay home with the house, kids, and animals. I did not choose his job for him.
Anyway, the fight has now gone on for a few days and has gotten worse. He has threatened to go ahead and get the divorce done. I don't want it but feel as if I can accept it if I have too. I am not ready to give up but feel as if I may have to.
I am tired of the same patterns of distructive behaviors, on both sides, that we seem to continue. I am tired of fighting over the same things and never getting anywhere with it. I am tired of living like I don't matter to this man unless I am on my back.
He told me that he missed me a few weeks ago and I asked him what he missed. He started to tell me about sexual things and I got upset by it. I asked him if there was anything that he actually missed about me that was not sexual and it took him a little bit but he finally came up with a few things. After that I said, see that was nto so hard to find things about me that was not sexual and it really made me feel good to hear these things. He was just like oh I see. Liek he really did not get the idea of how to say nice things to your W.
I am sitting the fence right now. Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to get out now. I have looked in the paper at houses and apartments. Nothing really suits me and my girls right now. (No I am not making excuses I am just stating that I am wanting a good place for us ot go to) I just got myself a second job. I am hoping for the best on it and it will be a little bit of extra income for me. I do hope that I like it and can fit it all in to my schedule.
My daughters start Girl Scouts soon. I am a volunteer with my oldest one's troop and a leader in my younger one's troop. I like doing this as it gets me out of the house, I get to spend quality time with my girls, and I really enjoy it. It keeps my mind busy too.
My youngest started soccer this past week, so we have practices and games to do for the next 6 weeks. That will keep me busy too. I decided to walk around the track at the high school while she is practicing so I can get a bit of excercise too. I always liekt o walk cuz it seems to free my mind from the holy h**l that it is in sometimes.
My H just texted me to tell me that he wants to be with me still and wanted to know how I felt. I told him about sitting the fence. He asked me to let him know whenI figured it out. I said fine but that maybe it would be a good idea for him to figure it out too since he was the one that told me, during this last fight, that he had not been trying for the past 2 months and that he had not really cared about savingus either. We have only been back together for a little less than 3 months and he had already given up after the first month???? WTF????
I have much to think about.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
