I think of detached as pulling away. Actually, I think it is breaking or pulling off of something else. So, you are certainly physically detached. But, I don't think a person can just shut their feelings off so easily. It is a work in progress.....this detaching. You have to grieve to a degree or else what you shared in the past means nothing at all. I believe it "does" mean a great deal to you. I think it should hold a special place. I would hate to think of sharing my life with another person and then not placing any value on it whatsoever. I wonder if you aren't in this "gap" between two places. The first place is your history with your W and all that that held for you. The second place is the future. You aren't sure if the past will be tied to the future (as far as your MR) and it's as if you are hanging between these two levels trying to force yourself to not feel certain things or assure yourself that some things doesn't matter, etc. Isn't it like a "transistion" from one place to another? How could a person just do that overnight?
Okay, so you would like for her to be remorseful and you'd like to have a good shot at having a new MR with your W. You want some changes (about her) to be in place in order to have that R. Those are the facts as you have told us....if I understand it correctly. Now this is the way I see it......you have been in surgery! It has been a very painful operation and now you need to go to the "recovery room" and stay there until you gain some strength from the surgery and then move on to the regular hospital room and heal. Okay, so this may sound a bit goofy, but as I've said, this all takes time. Your heart was cut wide open and you can't expect to jump off the operating table and not give yourself time to get well. You are vulnerable and you are trying so hard to make life long decisions that you are not 100% sure about. One minute you don't see how you could ever live with W again, and the next minute you are doubting yourself. Don't you think you need time to heal and then you could make better decisions? I guess what I'm saying is that just b/c she sends a picture of the boys...doesn't mean you must make a decision about the future. Just deal with it as it happens and if you think you need to close that door once and for all....so be it. As you feel yourself healing, and you may see some changes being made, then you may want to open the door and put out your welcome mat.
Oh man, I need to go to sleep. My post are getting rather icky.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with Sandi. I was in a situation very similar to yours, and I still am to some degree. Like you, I had this "need" to make a decision. Somehow I thought that would give me some peace or something, but it was just an illusion born out of pain and desperation.
As Sandi says, the most peace you'll get will come from giving yourself permission to NOT make any decision right now. Just let all this wash over you. Everything is in flux, and riddled with conflicting emotion. Eventually you'll reach a place where a decision will be necessary, but that's not now, and probably not for quite a while.
I think of detached as pulling away. Actually, I think it is breaking or pulling off of something else. So, you are certainly physically detached. But, I don't think a person can just shut their feelings off so easily. It is a work in progress.....this detaching. You have to grieve to a degree or else what you shared in the past means nothing at all. I believe it "does" mean a great deal to you. I think it should hold a special place. I would hate to think of sharing my life with another person and then not placing any value on it whatsoever. I wonder if you aren't in this "gap" between two places. The first place is your history with your W and all that that held for you. The second place is the future. You aren't sure if the past will be tied to the future (as far as your MR) and it's as if you are hanging between these two levels trying to force yourself to not feel certain things or assure yourself that some things doesn't matter, etc. Isn't it like a "transistion" from one place to another? How could a person just do that overnight?
Sandi - much like your other posts, I have re-read it numerous times as I pondered it. I think I am beginning to understand what may have been going through her mind (I am not saying I would ever agree it was appropriate or correct) as she made the decision that the marriage relationship was dead and she broke the promise we made to each other. As much of the anger and disgust is starting to become more manageable, I find myself wondering how to move on. Particularly in terms of future relationships.
At times, I find myself getting mad again of what she has done that has put me in a position to decide on what to do about relative to the future. I find myself feeling resentful of her actions which brought us/me to this point. I could imagine her feeling the same way last year. Again, this understanding is by no ways to be confused with approval, acceptance or agreement. I do get sad that she felt that way. But not in a sad way of feeling guilty, but more of sad of mourning.
So I do agree with you that the memories of the moments I had with her in the past will always mean something to me. Unfortunately, it used to be happiness. Now I'm not sure how I feel about it. So I think you are right - I am in the "gap". I just don't know what the other place is that I'm transitioning to.
Please hold on to your 2x4's as I'm reflecting upon this not in aching in a woes me type of mindset, but more of pondering what is going on within me. I still want to renew a marriage relationship with my wife, it's just that I don't see there is anyway I could be happy in one with all the hurt that has occurred and the trust that has been lost.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Okay, so you would like for her to be remorseful and you'd like to have a good shot at having a new MR with your W. You want some changes (about her) to be in place in order to have that R. Those are the facts as you have told us....if I understand it correctly. Now this is the way I see it......you have been in surgery! It has been a very painful operation and now you need to go to the "recovery room" and stay there until you gain some strength from the surgery and then move on to the regular hospital room and heal. Okay, so this may sound a bit goofy, but as I've said, this all takes time. Your heart was cut wide open and you can't expect to jump off the operating table and not give yourself time to get well. You are vulnerable and you are trying so hard to make life long decisions that you are not 100% sure about. One minute you don't see how you could ever live with W again, and the next minute you are doubting yourself. Don't you think you need time to heal and then you could make better decisions? I guess what I'm saying is that just b/c she sends a picture of the boys...doesn't mean you must make a decision about the future. Just deal with it as it happens and if you think you need to close that door once and for all....so be it. As you feel yourself healing, and you may see some changes being made, then you may want to open the door and put out your welcome mat.
Oh man, I need to go to sleep. My post are getting rather icky.
To be honest, I don't know what I like for her to do. Part of me wishes she would just leave me and the boys alone so we can move forward, but I know that's not what's best for the boys. The other part of me wants her to come begging for forgiveness and willingness to work on it, but I don't know how I could ever trust her again. Those are the two extremes.
So I don't even know what changes I would want to see or if any changes would ever be good enough. Ironically, these are some of things that I heard her say of the past several moths. She would say how she saw I changed but couldn't ever love me like a wife should love a husband. Perhaps, that's where I'm at, I just can't see ever loving and trusting her like a husband should love and trust a wife. Of course I haven't seen any changes either, but I don't know what changes I would need to see to get there.
I think me wanting her to be remorseful is more of me wanting to punish her (from what Stronger had pointed out) vs saving the marriage relationship. I know I'm the only one who knows what I would want to see to have a good shot at renewing a marriage relationship with my wife. Problem is I have no idea what that is.
So I believe I achieved my "objectives" by asking her to dinner on Sunday - I stop the escalation towards WWIII and I've proven to myself that I can spend time with her without falling back into the aching pain that I had felt when that time would end (before I found out the truth and we were having the 8th grade hook ups). So I do feel I've shown her the door again. I don't know if it is locked or not, nor does she, but it will be up to her to check.
You are right though, I am trying so hard to make these decisions when I am not 100% sure. I do know that regardless of my decisions and the outcomes, I do have my friends and family who love and support me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and help
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
"I think me wanting her to be remorseful is more of me wanting to punish her (from what Stronger had pointed out) vs saving the marriage relationship."
There's nothing wrong with wanting true remorse from the wayward spouse. It shows that they are sorry and that they understand and are compassionate about what they did to us. Wanting revenge is punishing her.
Until they are on the other side of the fence as being the one who is betrayed, they can never understand the pain and suffering they've caused. They may show "regret" which is where they are just sorry that they were caught and that their "feelings" are/were real. With regret, they just look at the symptom without looking at the cause. They don't look inward to see what started everything in the first place.
All of us who have been cheated on deserve remorse from our wayward spouses.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well my W was in a real pissed off mood last night. Why? I have no idea. So I kept things light last night and after she and my Ds went to bed I went to the gym to workout.
This morning I sent her this message:
W,
About yesterday. you appeared to be in a bad mood about something. I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but you seemed so angry, I assumed something was bothering you.
I cannot stop you from feeling anger and frustration. However, I am not happy when you project your unhappiness onto me and the girls. You know that's what you're doing and it's not fair to those of us who love and care for you.
I hope today is going better for you.
And that's that. So thanks Hope4Us for the calling her out on it. I'll see how she is when I get home tonight to see if she stays pissed or not.
I can see that she's "cycling" through her crisis and is back to the anger phase. I no longer am affected by her moods and actually see her as a child throwing a tantrum. I just sit back and watch the show.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Meant this to go into my thread. Sorry for the mistaken hijack.
No worries stuck - simple mistake since you post on my thread so much :-)
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
It was a pretty quiet day from her - no text/emails at all until I wound up talking to the kids.
After my run, I chatted with my boys. I was really upbeat and pumped up since I will see them tomorrow. I just can't wait. I was joking around with the boys for a bit. She wound up texting me something funny that was related to something I was joking with the boys about.
The boys said she wanted to talk to me after they were done talking with me
When she got on the phone, first she said there was a bill that I needed to pay since I "owed" it. I asked what it was then once we went through it, it turned out she actually owed me money as I overpayed it. Then she asked to borrow money to pay her share since she didn't have the money.
I was getting irritated so I just said put it in with the laptop and I'll take a look at it.
WTF!?!?!?
This is BS. She cheated on me and left and is having money problems and really expects me to bail her out?!?!!?
I just need to figure out a way to say no without it escalating again.
Unbelievable.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Mine did the same thing and continues to. They feel completely justified for what they are doing. THEY ARE WRONG! Protect yourself and the boys. She is unstable. Fight for your rights. She needs to face her consequences for HER DECISIONS.
Have a great weekend with the boys! Make them your priority.
Then she asked to borrow money to pay her share since she didn't have the money.
"Considering the situation, I have decided to keep our finances seperate."
No don't bail her out, her problems are her problems.
You two do have a financial agreement in place from the lawyers?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
