It is so awesome to come here and find your replys on my thread. Your words give me so much comfort. AND coming from others who really know what your going through.
I opened the manilla envelope last night. I took it to my friends house. I just couldn't bear opening something else so soon. I knew I had to open it though in case it was a timely matter. It was some more paperwork (financial stuff) I needed to fill out. Also included was a note just to let me know that H has not been in touch with them. I'll explain... About four months ago, I received a call from my attorney. She said H had called her wanting to know what was taking so long. He, as far as I still know, doesn't have an attorney. He filled out and filed the D paperwork on his own. Then I retained an attorney. She said she told him then that he hasn't put anything out on the table. He didn't want me to get anything but my car (which I paid for) and my laptop (which was a birthday present from him) She couldn't believe how cold and heartless he was. He was awful when he filed. Right before Christmas, and smack dab in middle of MLC! So, she hasn't heard anything from him yet. My friend said just to put the paperwork away for now, as I already have given most everything to her already. She keeps telling me not to focus so much on him, and quit analyzing everything. The projection letter, she feels, was written to pull my chain. The briefcase, she feels, was put there to see if I would notice. She also says to replace that fear with FAITH. I only wished I could be as positive. It's hard to be when you see all the c&%p they're doing all around you.
So I guess the envelope from your lawyer wasn't really bad news then. It is interesting that your H has not been in touch with them about the D. Wonder how the skank would feel about that?
Maybe along with being a projection, his letter was written as a way for him to convince himself why he wanted the D. Who really knows, though.
Even though you have had all this stuff thrown at you, you seem to be doing well and keeping positive. I need to remind myself frequently to replace that fear with faith, too.
How are things going today? I am guessing your H STILL has not brought up the letter he wrote?
Your day seems to have gone well. I'm glad to hear that you are near a friend who can help you keep a PMA! and the focus on YOU!
Well, I just wouldn't bring the Divorce topic up with H...just steer clear of that whole thing. He has enough to confuse him...lets not add to it. I got that piece of insight from my own H. I asked him if he just wanted to take a break and see other women and he said "I'm confused already, lets not make me more confused" I really started to laugh inside so hard. Its the first honest and insightful thing he has said to me in a very long time! That was this last weekend.
Anyways, back to you. So, I'm glad you are up to date with your lawyer. I think its important for you to be in such control! And hopefully he will just drop the ball....I am praying for the haze to lift from your H's head...and maybe he will see the light. Until then you are doing what you SHOULD. You are preparing for the worst. What a great way to conduct yourself!
My day went pretty good today. Well... As good as it can go while going through this storm.
After H came home from work yesterday, he started drinking one glass after the other of straight whiskey. This is someone who really never drank much. So when he drinks, I notice it right away. He was very irritable. After dinner, I started cleaning up, because it looked like the whiskey was getting the best of him. Side note; It has always been that I cook, and he cleans up afterward. So H comes in and says, " I told you I would clean up!" I just told him that I didn't hear him, and he could finish, which he did. As he was finishing up, I decided this was a perfect time for an "Act As If". So I quickly applied a little lip gloss, and a little perfume, and walked past him saying "see ya" as I walked out the door. I was gone for several hours... Target, Kohls, filled my car with gas While I was gone, I started feeling a little remorse that maybe I was too short with him when I left. But then I started thinking about what he has done for the past year. When I came home, I noticed he had put the front lights on for me. WOW! What a switch!! HIM doing that for ME! I came in, and he even had my favorite TV channel (TBN Christian channel) on. He was sound asleep... imagine that.
This morning, he was still sleeping when I left for work. I thought about waking him up, but didn't. He's a big boy, if he's late for work well... so what. Besides he's the boss of his dept anyway.
Oh that reminds me... Lately he's been eating his breakfast standing in the kitchen in his underwear, at just about the time I leave. There was a time, not too long ago, that he was being very private. Which I had to laugh about! I would think to myself how crazy I've seen it all before.
I am glad you got out last night and maybe had him wondering! Did you get some good deals shopping? Have a good Kohls coupon?
It sounds like maybe some little baby steps from your H? I am sure it was nice to have the porch lights left on for you!
I have finally been able to drop the rope as far as reminding my H of things or taking care of those little things for him. Like you said, he is a big boy. He seems to want to be solely responsible for himself (and himself alone) so let him.
I hope you have a great weekend. Another weekend of sticking around home?
A revelation came to me the last time I left town just to get away from his weekend craziness. I started thinking how really sad this is for me. I know a pity party in the car. I was leaving a home I loved every weekend because of what he was doing. I decided right then and there, that this was going to be the last weekend I was going to do this! I am staying home and facing my giant no matter what I see. GOD is with me and holding me with HIS right hand. I am not alone, for HE is with me. AND no matter what it looks like, I will continue to keep my eyes on the LORD and focus where I am going and not on what I'm going through.
I bought some make-up at Target, and I bought a sexy nightie at Kohl's. On sale of course! I made sure to be up and wearing it this morning when he left for work. He told me to have a great day while going out the door. There was a time not long ago, that he couldn't get out the door fast enough. Probably afraid he'd have to say something to me. And when he did say something, he wouldn't look at me. He had those weird evil/guilty eyes! There was a time when he would come back into the bedroom where I was still sleeping and give me a kiss good-bye. How I long for that time again... (sigh)
You are an encouragement. I'm glad you took your weekends back!!!
Seems like there are some baby steps over your way. I know, I miss so much the goodbye kisses in the morning. At least I now get a bye and even a have a good day usually. Progress. I know what you mean about the eyes - getting back some of that eye contact is so nice.
I just got back from a womens luncheon at church. It was so good. A friend of mine who sings and plays the guitar beautifully performed. There was also a lady who spoke on the Lessons of Grace. She told about living with her MLC H and how hard it has been for her. She finally decided she had enough enough and is wiping her slate clean. She filed for D last week. It was sad. I cried. I would love to sit down and talk with her. I will keep her in my prayers.
Last night I went to a meeting of the motorcycle club H and I both belonged to. He resigned, and because I was the rider, I had to resign also. The people who he still rides with resigned also. BUT, since the ones in the club are still my friends, they say I can still attend the meetings and go out with them afterward. They don't like what H has done, and keep telling me that he'll find out that the grass is not greener on the other side. After the meeting some of us went out for drinks and a bite to eat. There is a guy who is a member who lost his wife to cancer about a year ago. She too was a friend of mine. He decided to come with us. We went into the restaurant, he sat down by me, and it turned out to be a great night. OMG we talked about everything. How he is coping with his wife's death, how I am coping with my H craziness, life in general. When we all got up to leave, he gave me a hug and kiss goodbye. Oh did that ever feel good! I haven't had that for a long time. It even made MLC H coming in at two this morning not hurt so much. The skunk must have been with the skank! I guess there's no trouble in paradise any longer. Whatever!
The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH! I will keep my focus on HIM!
