I'm out of the house so my interaction with WAW is very short. Sunday night I went over because I'd been out of town and wanted to see our daughters as well as go over the week's childcare issues.
She was cold towards me and looked tired. The ONLY positives was I saw her smiling at me when I said goodbye to the oldest daughter.
In the old days, I would have chalked it up to her just being tired and distracted. Now, I'm caught up in trying to read every action and she showed no softness at all.
I'm doing my best this week to not see her at all -- both for myself, I haven't detached emotionally, and to give her her space.
_____________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
Just jotting a note. W just called as she was running S to football game (which may or may not happen due to rain). W wanted to give me the update on the game, but mostly wanted to tell me about her brother (just M'd 5 months ago) and his W are expecting.
The interesting part is what she said about her conversation with her brother. W's brother asked W not to tell anyone yet. W responded by saying Well, I want to tell GIMA, can I tell him? W's brother said yes.
Just jotting a note. W just called as she was running S to football game (which may or may not happen due to rain). W wanted to give me the update on the game, but mostly wanted to tell me about her brother (just M'd 5 months ago) and his W are expecting.
The interesting part is what she said about her conversation with her brother. W's brother asked W not to tell anyone yet. W responded by saying Well, I want to tell GIMA, can I tell him? W's brother said yes.
So, W "wanted" to tell me this. Wow.
Good stuff. Congrats uncle GIMA!
I do have a problem with your post though. What kind of football program do you have your son invoved with, powder puff? Come on GIMA rain makes football fun!
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I do have a problem with your post though. What kind of football program do you have your son invoved with, powder puff? Come on GIMA rain makes football fun!
Couple of things tonight. First, we are having a nice time after we got kids down (S was acting up a bit today and night). W says, hey just wanted to give you an update on some balances (referring to a couple of loans associated with my business we closed late last year). "YOU owe XX on this one. YOU owe XX on this other one." What?! ME?!?! W had no problem accepting the income from the business, but when it's time to repay some debt, it becomes solely MY obligation?
But W did continue after the "You owe..." bit to say after "WE" pay this one then "WE" can pay this one. WHAT?! You just said those were MY burdens.
OK, not going to lose it, even though I can fee some resentment and anger coming back to the surface. And, maybe I'm off base here. Not shirking my responsibility, but I view these obligations as WE obligations, not MINE ALONE. Again, if I'm wrong, let me have it. I can take it.
Second, after some pleasant conversation (and undercover deep breathing by GIMA), W mentions that my step-mother and my brother's W (both of our SIL) have not spoken to her in ages. That she has not heard back from them about whether my niece is coming to my D's birthday party, and that she has not received thank you notes from SIL for presents W has sent my neice. W was not angry, but I could detect displeasure in her voice. More a sense of being put out than hurt.
Now, I haven't talked to my SIL or step mother in a while either. But, they are aware of our sitch, and my W knows this. I know that they simply don't know how to act towards W. I know they both do not approve of the way W has acted - remember folks, they aren't here on the boards, so they don't understand the WAS concept. And, in the end, they are MY family.
I simply told W I would check with my SIL and step mother to make sure the presents had arrived and to see if neice was coming to D's party. I also told W I had not spoken to them in some time as well, which is the truth.
I readily admit I was angry over the "YOU owe this much" bit, and I honestly didn't even want to be in the same room as W, much less talk to her. I'm better now.
Don't know if she was baiting me into an argument or what that was. Maybe she is hurt my step mother and SIL haven't reached out to her, but what did she expect them to do - "Oh, we know you are ripping GIMA to shreds, and we don't like that, but can we get together like old times and just have lunch or something?"
I know I am sounding petty. I don't mean to be. I was just taken a little off guard. I didn't react, but I'm sure she probably noticed I was quiet tonight (and honestly, I'm pretty beat from a stressfule few days at work). I told her my head hurt, that I was tired (all true) and was hitting the hay. The usual "Good night. Sleep well. Se you in the morning."
Couple of things tonight. First, we are having a nice time after we got kids down (S was acting up a bit today and night). W says, hey just wanted to give you an update on some balances (referring to a couple of loans associated with my business we closed late last year). "YOU owe XX on this one. YOU owe XX on this other one." What?! ME?!?! W had no problem accepting the income from the business, but when it's time to repay some debt, it becomes solely MY obligation?
But W did continue after the "You owe..." bit to say after "WE" pay this one then "WE" can pay this one. WHAT?! You just said those were MY burdens.
OK, not going to lose it, even though I can fee some resentment and anger coming back to the surface. And, maybe I'm off base here. Not shirking my responsibility, but I view these obligations as WE obligations, not MINE ALONE. Again, if I'm wrong, let me have it. I can take it.
I have found myself feeling the same way that you're describing here. The funny thing is that looking from the outside in it's a little easier to see that her choice in words probably didn't mean that much to her. She likely didn't put the same meaning on them that you are. If the bills or accounts that she is looking at just have your name on them it doesn't that crazy that she sould say it this way. Also you are the one who said they are from MY Business WE closed last year. I'll bet you didn't assign much meaning to the words you used either.
I know how you feel. I've made a big deal out of things like this too. They've really gotten under my skin. Look at it like an outsider though. How would you advise me if you were reading this in my sitch?
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
they don't understand the WAS concept
That's the truth. It's hard to talk to friends and family that don't get it. Luckily I have a cousin who was in the same shoes as our wives once. She's the only one who can even come close to understanding. The rest of the fam just sees W as some kind of monster right now.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
The success here, GIMA, is that you didn't take the bait. You didn't react. I feel myself doing the same thing when H says "I told my mother we PROBABLY ARE GOING TO SEPARATE" like it's all clear in his mind this is going nowhere. Only words. W's actions are showing a lot more positives than her words. Focus on the positive actions!!! They are good.
