This forum is a little slow lately. One thing I have noticed is there are certain types of sitches, mainly ones involving affairs that get allot of attention. The ones like yours are a little more complicated.
I think you hit on something with the trust issues. Thing is I don't think that a WAS even trusts their own thinking. One of the key issues with a WAS is they feel like they have lost themselves in the R. So we can make all the changes in the world and our S will still not be able to cross the line back into the R. Somehow they have to be sure they will not loose themselves again. This is all on them to figure out. All we can do is be consistent in our new ways.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Just hang in there. Some nights are slow, especially on the weekend.
Quote:
i am afraid that one false move and its all done...
One thing did not get you here. One thing will not blow it up. Relax.
It sounds like your W is conflicted and certainly having doubts. All good. You have to keep DB'ing. Keep working on yourself. And give her space.
You can accomplish all of these things by working on detaching. That IS the key. It isn't giving up. It's getting yourself strong enough to handle anything. It takes the pressure off you and allows you to exhibit attractive qualities.
Just saw your thread. So, I don't understand why you stopped the ML if she was ready. Now she says she's not ready. So get her ready again, nice dinner, wine, stars, you can do it. Of course your relationship is cold. You aren't having sex. Sex breaks down the barriers between men and women. You guys aren't really doing too well with the MC, IMO. Why not ask her to go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you? Dates and locations are listed on the website, www.helpourmarriage.org. There are a lot of weekends coming up in September and October, and then none till next year. So if she says yes, book it quickly.
I'm a realtor. I sit in those open houses with my cell phone pre-dialed to 911 just in case a lunatic comes in. I can't believe you would not trust your wife at an open house. She's the ONLY person you can trust.
Guys thanks for replying a lot of good things to think about.
Sara you are right, there is no reason i shouldn't trust her. i think that's my own insecurity.
I didn't want to stop, but the last time we ML she started crying at the end saying it felt like good bye.
we fool around and get as close as ML as possible but not all the way.
She said that she isn't ready and to make love will be like all the problems are solved.
now she is moving out to a new place and she wants to work on the R. She says that she enjoys my company alot and not seeing eachother everyday will make the times we do hang out even more special.
I think she plans on asking me to move back in after a while, but i am not sure. having her own place will def help her find who she is, without me. Thats my concern.
I tried to get her to go to retrouville but she doesn't want to yet. We have gone back to MC, but our MC doesn't really give us goals to achieve, she just listens to us both bitch lol.
Right now I am home with her, playing guitar hero, we are still laughing and having a good time. She is cooking me ribs, we are drinking wine and watching a movie after kidlet sleeps. But i dont' think ML will happen, yet.
It hurts to see all the boxes packed up. It hurts that she wants to borrow my truck to move. It hurts that i will have to stay at my sisters till she makes up her mind, if she does.
Galing is the way to go. I see that. Its just hard with kids.
so we spent about 3 weeks together in the new house. Every time i was leaving to go to my sisters house she would cave in and tell me to stay. Yesterday after MC it was decided that I should spend time at my sisters for real this time. I left the MC and went straight there. Haven't called her or even texted her since. I have no plans of doing so until she makes contact.
Why oh why does this crap happen. I hate the damn roller coaster.
i am very much struggling to find out how it is a person in a marriage can feel controlled. This is something that eats me at my core. My W says that i control her too much, but she has been doing everything she wants to do. I have never stopped her from doing anything she ever wanted to do, but still she claims i control her. i am confused.
Hi undrdg Thanks for dropping in over on my situation.
To answer your question is difficult for me - all I will say is that I never felt controlled by my H but I do now. I think that this is part of the ploy of a WAH to 'teach the spouse a lesson of how it feels'. I figure that, looking back, I probably was quite controlling of our lives - not him in particular, but the way that life was. In my defence, H never was that bothered about our path, as long as we were together. I therefore organised everything, including the house, pets, holidays, weekends ... the whole nine yards. He never pushed back on any of it and so I considered he was happy - he felt that I was controlling.
So I guess you need to analyse and see which exact pieces of your M, your W thinks that you have been controlling too. Good luck! It can take a lot of analysis, in my view.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
