WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

I dont know if I am in limbo- my wife has pushed the divorce process along very well.

[v1olin]

I did not acknoledge our anniversary at all tonite. She got home and I was with the kids as usual. We were friendly to each other and I had a great time with my daughters as usual. I was happy, confident and felt good too. I asked her if she had the time to look at the website that I sent her(children in the middle online class) and she said no. She made a few excuses about why she did'nt.


I told my daughters I was leaving as they sat down for dinner and D2 had spaghetti sauce all over her face. I told her, "dont get sauce on my clothes. I dont have time to go change my clothes." in a playfull voice. My D7 then asks, "why,where are you going?" I told her I was meeting someone for dinner. She asks who and I said "just someone" all of this was with wife in the same room. I then said bye and my wife once again let out a nice loud "byyye". So I did not have to tell my wife that I am done with her but I think my actions and tone spelled it out clear enough. Any comments guys or girls?

[Gnosis]

Nicely done. Now go out and have fun.

Who cares what she thinks right?

[v1olin]

Thanks Gnosis, I felt good about it and I will have fun on the date. It is not until next saturday though. So tonite I went to hang out with guys from work.


Coach, I guess I was wrong about my prediction:) She did not take the kids out for dinner but I was still not invited to eat with them. No worries.

[v1olin]

I saw wife and kids on thursday night but not very long. I only talked to wife for a few minutes about kids then I left the house. I hate these weekends that I dont have the kids-too much time apart from them. I did have a nice productive weekend though.

[v1olin]

Today I went to my house in the morning and my wifes car was in the garage. I went into the house but did not hear anyone. Went up the stairs and W was asleep in the bed with a pile of tissues next to her. I woke her to tell her that a guy from work and I were going to be moving things out of my workshop. She said "ok" and then I asked if she needed anything, I know, I should have ignored her right? But seeing her in that bed,sick, I was transported back to when we were together. There were a few times that each of us got sick in the last year and she would say, "we dont care for each other when we are sick."


Now, I had become numb to her in the last 2 years because of her distancing herelf from me. Very sparse sex life also. I would be with the kids every night from 4pm until 7pm and she did not care one bit. We both began to treat each other like roomates and not like lovers. Fast forward to now and I realise that the other guy has been looking better and better to her for atleast the last 4 years. So, the two styles of DB are conflicting with each other because I was a jerk at times and also my wife is in an EA. So I did what good people do for other people. I asked her if she needed anything and she said no. I also put some laundry away but I did not clean the whole house(it needed it too). I went about my business and did it with confidence and strength.

[futureunknown]

So, the two styles of DB are conflicting with each other because I was a jerk at times and also my wife is in an EA. So I did what good people do for other people. I asked her if she needed anything and she said no.

I was always very caring when my W was sick. I'd had thought it was one my greatest strengths as a H. I got an enormous reality check a year ago. My W was quite sick in bed. I came home from work and got her some soup and a couple other things I know she likes when she's sick.

I found out later that she was in there sending sex messages to OM from her laptop. She was laying in our marital bed, sick, with me caring for her, and she's e-mailing him telling him she's still hot for him even though she's sick in bed. That one just might top the list of the most hurtful things she did to me during this whole thing. The WAW in the throws of an A has to be the most selfish creature on earth!

Don't underestimate how absolutely meaningless anything you're doing for her is, as far as she's concerned. I totally feel your pain regarding the conflicting styles of DBing in this situation. I still don't regret caring for her when she was sick, because at least I can look back and know I was acting with honor and compassion, and it was her choice to act with callous disregard for the H who she knew loved her.

[v1olin]

Future, thank you so much for this post! You reminded me that my wife pulled the same thing you just mentioned on her birthday in August. I put together a really nice birthday for her and she was already planning on skipping work the next day so she could hang out with EA friend. I took my ring off before I found out about it. Then she completely ignores our anniversary and I help her when she is sick?? But you are right, I can look back on this and know that I was a gentleman. My kids will and do love me for it.

Did you ever start dating at all? Or maybe just make your W jealous by accident or on purpose?

[futureunknown]

This is why it is SO IMPORTANT to detach and GAL. I think we just can't accept that our W really doesn't give a dam* about us. We try to do loving things, and they're just like "whatever" if they even notice at all! When my W was sick in bed, I could have easily just ignored her, staying in the family room watching TV, playing with the kids, playing guitar, talking on the phone to my friends, etc. She wouldn't have even noticed, let alone cared.

If they've really thrown the M overboard, we have to do the same, for our own sanity. Doesn't mean we're closing the door on a future reconciliation, but we have to preserve our self worth and have the attitude that their actions don't warrant love in return.

I have dated quite a bit, but not seriously. It has done wonders for my ego and has put me in a much better emotional place to deal with my W. She definitely noticed and started pursuing me. Pretty funny actually.

After almost a year of this, I'm finally starting to see real movement back toward me and our M. The luster of her fantasy is gone, and reality is sinking in. I don't know if we'll end up together, but my W now realizes that she has much blame in all this, and that our M is not something she necessarily wants to throw away. She has said things to me lately I thought I'd NEVER hear. Makes me wonder what's next!

[v1olin]

Tonite went well,I thought... I decided to keep my visit very short. When I was leaving D7 was trying to get me to stay longer by hanging onto my leg. I told her that she was going to make me late. She asked "for what?" I said I was going out. I told everyone bye and then my D7 goes "dont be late for your date!" Ha Ha! I DID NOT tell her to say that or have I ever used that word in her presence but Thank you! She said it in a very innocent and happy voice as she was watching TV. I glanced up at my wife as she said it and I instantly noticed a tightening of the lips:)