You would be proud of me today. Why, I am proud of myself. I have been feeling mostly confident and happy the last week. I felt I could test the waters a bit and be ok one way or the other with the answer I got. I know we aren't supposed to talk about the "Relationship," but I just needed say it. So yesterday morning, I just said so do you want a divorce? I got back "sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. The times I don't is because what I will be doing to the kids." I then said, "I just want to remind you that I am not planning on staying in a loveless marriage. Then I just walked away.
A couple weeks back she invited me to this Progressive Dinner. One of the gala events of the year at our catholic church. I said this morning, I am going to make other plans for next saturday. Based on what you said yesterday about staying with me just for the kids and the fact that when I do come upstairs in the morning from the couch you move to the opposite side of the bed--I don't want to go with you. I hope you can understand I need to have a little pride in myself. Then I just walked away....
Really the first time I didn't kiss her you know what and do what she wanted me to...
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Sounds like to me that your W is really just confused. Her saying re wanting divorce "sometimes I do, sometimes I don't" is something I thought for a long time too.
So has H.
(Looks like he`s more definite about wanting it now though...)
She just doesn`t know what to think. So to DB properly on this, I think-and jump in all wiser DBers here-I think you should just listen, don`t judge here, show you`re listening even if what comes out of her mouth seems truly crazy. Son`t agree, or disagree. Just listen.
There`s lots of things she doesn`t like about you right now. Try to find out what they are and change them!
Don`t walk away.
Don`t beg or plead either.
Be calm.
I know your marriage isn`t loveless. You love her-otherwise you wouldn`t want her back. She doesn`t know whether she loves you or not-but she loved you in the past for sure.She has a good chance of loving you again if you play this right.
Don`t believe half of what she says(her reasons for why you married-I read that post-typical rewriting history as an MLCer does).
This is going to be a long haul. You`ve already made progress. Don`t scuper that. Hang on in there!
Make this journey about you loving YOU!Give yourself that chance to be a better person-better son, Dad, husband, friend.
If your wife is a WAW she'd be gone and leave you no doubt.
If your Wife is an MLC then she is going to be confused and you'll be in doubt.
You will get two different sets of advice. From different forums...and not all of it is going to be geared correctly.
AND if you want alot alot of advice Newcomers.
Simple truth, most guys cannot handle an MLC wife. Our pride gets in the way of being able to stand by the woman we vowed to love through better or worse, and most don't have the patience.
You don't like the advice in MLC fine...its pretty hard stuff, but I will say that if your wife is in MLC then you're not helping her with the pressure:
Quote:
I just want to remind you that I am not planning on staying in a loveless marriage.
Pride or patience...pick your posion.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Great line applied here J3B. For most of us, it's a lose-lose with an MLC'er.
Also agree with a the pressure comment ESPECIALLY with MLC'ers. I agree strongly with one comment I have heard over and over here: typical DB maneuvers DO NOT WORK WELL with WAS's in MLC.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I just want to remind you that I am not planning on staying in a loveless marriage.
Originally Posted By: d1
I said this morning, I am going to make other plans for next saturday.
--I don't want to go with you. I hope you can understand I need to have a little pride in myself. Then I just walked away....
Really the first time I didn't kiss her you know what and do what she wanted me to...
Are you sure you know who the one is without the love??????
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Interesting comment regarding advice on WAW vs. MLC forum. I would agree that if she was the WAW which I initially thought she was and was going to be is incorrect. If it was, she would have more than likely filing for divorce by now.
So in regards to an MLC, yea--pride does get in the way. It is hard to handle that aspect. However, I do feel if you lay down all the time and check out on the pride piece, you can look unnatractive to your spouse as well. I think there also has to be some respect there. I have lightened up for the most part on the pressue piece. It is hard not to discuss things every couple weeks. I do sometimes need her to know where I stand and that I am not going to be her lackey.
Have I been patient? I believe I have. Pride, I have put it on the shelf and continue to do so, however, I have to have some boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate.
In regards to the love piece? I will admit there are sometimes I don't feel it anymore. I think that is coming with the detachment piece. Trying to envision myself being OK, if this does end in divorce. I do still love her, otherwise, I am not sure I would be here after 5 months. You just become numb to things after sometime and the emotional upheavals subside. I am able to carry on daily without that pit in your stomach. I would imagine that constant rejection over a 5 month period will harden you a bit....
It does amaze me though she continues to have that act of everythings great, even when the kids aren't around. Acting like we are best of friends telling me about her day, etc...Then an hour later be telling me she would only stay in the marriage for the kids???
Anyway: I am getting much better at handling everything which ever way it goes.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Look man if you want MLC advice, I post in MLC, I let the WAS wise ones post here and don't interfere. I'm only here because someone cared enough to point out you were having a bad day here.
As for the MLC advice, I'm not talking out my as s, I was in the same choir you're preaching from. What you think should work usually doesn't. And there is a razors edge between being proud and being prideful.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
