I would shorten the email. I wouldn't put the first paragraph in to start with and definitely lose the last paragraph.
In your 3rd paragraph you need to alter it so you sound absolutely sure of yourself, I wouldn't be saying "I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm not sure I understand it myself".
You need to sound very definite in your feelings. So just revise it a bit to be less wordy, just straight to the point.
