No we haven't filed, either for a divorce or legal separation. I'm of the mindset right now that I don't want the divorce so why should I file (although I have to admit, my desire to stay in the marriage has pretty much wilted). Also, in the State of Virginia, when children are involved there must be a 1 year period of separation before you can be divorced (which your probably knew already) so there is no rush to file anyway.
Okay - so W is scheduled to move out in less than 3 weeks. She does not know this but on my own I have been doing a little househunting myself, just to see what is out there. I haven't had too much luck since there are not a lot of properties available in my price range and the ones that are get snapped up pretty quick. However I looked at one today that might work. It is in my price range and still in my kids school district. It's not my dream house but it would work. If I jumped on it and got it, then my W would not need to move into the apartment she is set to lease in just about 3 weeks. Instead she could stay here and we could work out an arrangement where she get the kids one week and I get them another.
So what is the delimna for me. Well because this situation actually helps her out more than it helps me. First, it means that she would not be the one leaving, I would be. This also means she wouldn't have to come up with some fantasy reason as to why she moved out, since I haven't really given her any of the usual reasons a wife leaves a husband, i.e. cheating, physical/emotional abuse, drugs/drinking. I have no idea what her story is going to be to people, but what she has floated around so far is that she is not able to be her "true" person with me, which when I have pressed her to explain exactly what that means she can't explain it (in otherwords it's just an excuse).
So the other option is I can just be content and stay put, let her have to move out and do all the explaining as to why she left the marriage and also end up having a bit less time with the girls (her apartment is outside the school district so it would mean she would only have them every other weekend and then a couple of evenings during the week.
Part of me wants to be the nice guy and buy the house, making things easier for everyone (but me). The other part is a bit more vindictive and wants to see her have to suffer a few consequences. Is that being to selfish on my part. Hoping for some unbiased input here. Thanks.
Why exactly would YOU move out of the house? To be the nice guy? I dont agree. I would let her do the work and leave the marriage and home. She made that choice. Why would you want to overwrite that? Stay put. Just my 2 cents K
Thanks for the input K. Why would I move out, well IO guess part of it is being the nice guy. The other part is giving the kids more time with their Mom than they would have if she moves to an apartment. They are quite attached to her and love her dearly and it would provide them two homes to live in, instead of one home and an apartment. I of course would just love to have them 100% of the time, but that is not going to happen.
But there is a part of me that strongly agrees with what you say - make her work to be the one to leave the marriage, it is the choice she made afterall.
I've found that in the breakup of a marriage, none of these decisions are easy ones that we find ourselves in.
Just as an update, I decided to stay put. I am not buying a house right now. I will wait until next summer and have my daughters help choose one together.
Now I need to face the weekend when we will tell D12 and D11 that we are physically separating. Not something to look forward to at all.
Well we didn't have an appropriate time or opportunity to talk to our daughters this past weekend, so we have scheduled it for tonight. Honestly I am just sick to my stomach thinking about it. They both have just come home from school as happy as can be, not knowing that in just a few short hours they will be hearing that their parents will soon not be living together and they will be subjected to a two household visitation schedule.
Telling the kids that their parents are separating is gut wrenching. Especially if the kids dont take it too well. I still remember having to pick my son off the floor when he broke down upon hearing the news. And I remember the feelings of contempt I had for my wife for causing emotional grief upon our children.
The best thing you can do is be your daughters rock right now. They need someone stable in this difficult part of their young lives. They will remember how their dad faired during this terrible time.
Have you considered what to do when your W next gets reassigned?
