I have to look at all that is going on here and now. I obviously have to see that this wouldn't be happening now, if I hadn't made the choices that I've made. I have the key to unlock the door, yet I can't seem to find it. Oh, I've been looking for years now, yet, haven't been able to get a grasp on what I'm supposed to learn, or change, or get the lesson down pat.
I have to look at myself, the answers are within me, yet, what I see within isn't all that pretty to look at. I also realize there has to be some truth to what Dick says or takes me to court for, outside of the fact he seems to need to destroy me....
Although I have to admit, the majority of things he sees are some form of projection, therefore, is he really trying to destroy me, or himself? Now, there's one to think about....
I don't know, maybe it's just time for a good old fashion pity party, allow myself to crash, cry, and curl up into the fetal position until I get all of this grief out of my system....
Something has got to give.... I don't like this life that I have before me. The new job, as of a week ago, cut hours down to 32 hours a week.... I could barely make it on the 40, and there's no way I'm gonna float on 32 hours. I spent yesterday filling out applications, just hoping I'll find one that will suit my needs.
I would think that just one thing in my life would be easy by this time, yet things continue to become worse. I found out just two days ago, S quit football because the coach yelled at him during half time and again at the end of the game for not tackling enough players..... so S quit right then and there.
I know it wasn't what the coach said, but more the way S felt by being yelled at.... he received enough of it during his stay in California with his Father this last summer. He too, has become beatened down by all of this, and we both can't wait until November. Yes, it's only a few months, but right now it feels like an eternity. Right now, it's nearly impossible to comfort him, for the one day we can spend the whole day together, I'm forced to work. Oh, we get a few hours together, but it's not enough time to dig into the heavier conversations.
I don't know, I just need some time off, off this damned curse of a ride, and back to where I felt like I was worth something, or had the ability to make a difference in the children's lives.
I know, patience, it will be here soon.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
