Future, what do you think I have been doing for the last 4 or 5 months? We dont live together right now but everytime I see her I smell good I have new clothes and I tell her I have plans. It has not worked! Telling her "I have plans" is too weak for her. I need to tell her, "you are no good for me anymore and I have had it with you." I am fully ready for divorce at this point. I even called my lawyer today to see if there is any progress on getting another mediation date. No answer from lawyer though. I still want my marriage to be saved but I need to be "ok" with either outcome - divorce or reconcile.
V, In your previous post you said you "can predict" what will happen tonite. Then this post, you are correct you need to be prepared for etiher outcome. You sound angry and it is clouding your judgment. You have expectations which lead to resentments. You don't need to tell her anything. She can pick up on your vibe. So be strong, confident and in control.
What creates the music from a violin? Apply what you know to how to handle it. Can you play the violin uptight, angry or trying too hard? Find the groove.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Tell her, "Thanks for taking care of the girls. I was actually going to ask you if you could look after them tonight because something special lined up..."
Just an idea.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Yes, I can make a prediction and I might be correct. That does not mean I resent her for her behaviour, I gave up on that months ago. I will take your advice to heart Coach, thanks.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
I didn't realize it had been that long... sorry! However, the general rule is 1 month of DBing for every year you've been together, which for you would be between 9 and 17 months, depending on whether you use your meeting date or your marriage date.
Regardless, I agree with you, you need to make it clear you are done with her. STOP doing things for her! Mowing the lawn and doing the dishes is doing nothing to save your M, in fact, probably the opposite. Do not mention the anniversary. What helps me is to try to imagine the roles being reversed. Say you believed you were DONE with your M, you were very interested in OW, and your W meant nothing to you, at least not in your concious thoughts. Would your W coming over and doing your dishes and laundry for you make you attracted to her, or just pity her? You might smile and say thanks, but would it change how you feel? How about if your W started ignoring you, moved on, got her own life, and started dating other men?
Future, this is exactly my problem. When I last talked to a DB coach he told me to drop the rope. He suggested that I start initiating divorce talk. Like splitting property,talking about custody etc. I did some of that and it had a small effect. She became happier but maybe because she WANTS me to move on. Or she thinks she does. The I asked him if I should stop doing the acts of service. He said, "only if you want to stop Divorce Busting." So, I have been trying to add a little AOS here and there to show the door is open.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
This reminds me of when I dumped my girlfriend in college. There was nothing she could have said or done to get me back. I told her I was in love with someone else(my current wife). She even told me on one occasion that she went on a date but I did not care at all. I could tell she was just trying to get to me. You have to mean it and I intend to mean it.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
I guess my take on it is this. If you totally stop the AOS and start ignoring her, would she know why? Deep down she would know she can't treat someone like that and expect them to be there for her and help her. She would start to feel the loss due to her actions. I'm not sure what your coach thinks you are gaining by continuing these AOS, when you don't even live there! You've got your own life now, you can't be bothered to mow her lawn and do her dishes. She made her decision, let her feel the ramifications. Go enjoy your life. There must be something else you'd rather be doing than mowing that lawn!
Yes, it did not make much sense to me either. I want her back sooner than later and I think this is something I have not tried yet. Completely drop the rope.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
