WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

My wife has continued to be nicer to me in the last few days than she has been since the bomb. She went to the cemetery on thursday to visit our son's grave. When she came back home it was obvious that she had been crying. I think she had been moved by the helicopter I left at the cemetery also. I could feel that she wanted to say something,but she said nothing. I stayed that night until 9pm helping put the kids in bed. I also stayed because she told me she was going to pack the kids clothes for my weekend with them. She seemed to put this off until the lasst minute- did she want me to stay? Does she want me to open up to her?


So, on sunday when I brought the kids back home she was very friendly yet again. Her EA friend has only been gone 2 weeks and I can already tell some of the fog is lifting a bit. Now this is the part that threw me off alittle, she was talking about the post cards that she had picked for D7 to use for her project at school. She showed me a card from 2003 that we got from the childrens museum. I took the card and read it. We had both written in this card about our day at the museum with D2 at the time. As I was reading it I fought really hard to not cry. I noticed from the corner of my eye that she was watching me. I handed it back quietly. We talked about our weekeds for a few minutes after that and then I went back to my apartment.



Yesterday when I met her at the house she was also in a good mood. I decided yesterday that I would mow the lawn because I am a great guy and I want to show her that right? When she got home she asked what the trash bag was on the sidewalk. I said, "it's grass." She said, "you cut the grass?" She seemed so suprised this time - I have been cutting the grass every week for the last 5.5 months! I said yes and then she thanked me for cutting it. Then when she came inside and started making dinner she noticed I had washed the dishes also. She thanked me for that too. We talked for about ten minutes while she cooked. Then when I saw that there was no dinner for me I made my exit. I said goodbye to the kids and gave them kisses and hugs. When I said goodbye my wife let out a "goodbyyyye" that sounded very warm to me, not like the previous "bye" or "see ya" or sometimes nothing at all.



So, my problem is that our 9 year anniversary is tomorrow and she has not marked it off the calendar. I feel like she is wanting me to do something about it. But my gut is telling me that I should not. I was thinking about some kind of card or maybe just a few words face to face. I NEED HELP here everyone! Does she want me to open up to her? Will I miss the boat if I continue to be dark??

[JayMan]

I personally think that anniversaries apply to the same rule as not saying "I love you". It is a painful reminder of the day that spouse made a solemn promise to you and to God that they would never leave you, stay with you for better or worse.

Oops!

And, seriously, she has put in paperwork to end your marriage, why celebrate it? If she says something to you about not mentioning it, I would kindly point out that SHE is ending the marriage that you consecrated and made vows to each other, so why celebrate something that is now null and void?

[v1olin]

WAW was back to being cold tonight. I am sure it is because she is dreading tomorrow. Well, I will do her a favor and not mention it at all. What else can I do?

[v1olin]

Ok, I have a double date set up for this week. Tomorrow night I might try to reach out to my wife. If she does not respond I am going on the date. I am tired of feeling like second best.

[Gnosis]

v1olin, I'm still here and following.

Remember, she is NOT interested in you, what you are doing and does not want you... or so she says. I'd say ignore her. Ignore the anniversary. Don't give her any attention.

Go on your date. She's the one who is cheating and ripping your guts out. Why do you want to reward her behavior by acknowledging the anniversary.

You've got to carry on detaching. Only when she feels she has lost you for good can any kind of reconciliation take place. Move on in the opposite direction. You've tried the begging, pleading, acts of service etc. already and they haven't worked.

I'd say go as dark as possible. Show no emotions or interest in her. Any communication you have with her should be about the kids, just the kids and only the kids. Let her worry about you for a change -- if she's capable of this.

How is the custody issue coming on?

[v1olin]

Hi Gnosis, thank you for your encouragement. I do not plan on mentioning the anniversary in any way today. My wife is not capable of seeing the value in our relationship or in me at this point. That is terribly sad to me but that is all it is. I have done my grieving, my introspection, and self improvement.

I told her back in june that I had changed for good and if she could not appreciate that then someone else would. Now is the time to show her that.

[wanttobebetter]

I've been following along...I'm hoping for the best for you. I have kids as well and a lot of the same sitch. Let us know how today goes.

[v1olin]

wanttobebetter, I will let everyone know how tonight goes but I can pretty much predict what will happen already. I would be willing to bet money that she will tell me that she is taking the girls out for dinner tonight. This is what she does when she wants me to go away. But tonight she will hear, "okay, I have to go get ready for a date anyway."

Wish me luck!

[futureunknown]

Sometimes mystery is more powerful than knowledge. Perhaps you should just happily say "okay, I have plans tonight anyway" then go get all spiffy and head out the door, leaving her wondering.

[v1olin]

Future, what do you think I have been doing for the last 4 or 5 months? We dont live together right now but everytime I see her I smell good I have new clothes and I tell her I have plans. It has not worked! Telling her "I have plans" is too weak for her. I need to tell her, "you are no good for me anymore and I have had it with you." I am fully ready for divorce at this point. I even called my lawyer today to see if there is any progress on getting another mediation date. No answer from lawyer though. I still want my marriage to be saved but I need to be "ok" with either outcome - divorce or reconcile.