I have been accused of throwing friends under a bus...and needing a theme song.
With that in mind when I say make boundaries, I meant with your children. NOT your wife in regard to your relationship. You and she are not at that point yet.
Boundaries with your children AND regrding your children...oh hell yeah.
Living in the same house... It is what you need to be a parent to your children.
HOWEVER, I do not think you are currently capable of leaving your W (Notice the W for wife, if you use S then we think son) alone. I think if you lived in the same house you would drive her nuts. More nuts than she is.
You, and yes I understand ADD and ADHD, are running around looking at all these problems, when you need to learn damage control. You should focus your will on one or two issues. Look its basic if you have a laundry list of things to do, you will not get them all done if you try to do them all at the same time. You go down the list, the important stuff first.
This is your job to do, our job is support and advice.
You have a choice.
You may not be married to your wife in 4 years, but you will always be the father to your children. So figuring out some sort of plan where you are a parent at least half the time, either they stay with you every other week or you live in the basement might be a damn good idea.
You wife might not like it, but the MLC comes secondary as do her feelings when it comes to your children. Some one needs to be a parent.
But again that is just my advice, what you do is your job.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Perhaps the better convo would be about the two of you talking about what's going on with the kids. Do not blame and do not imply that problems with the kids are b/c of this. They may be, but with a teenager things can go south fast regardless. Suffice it to say I have some experience (one that was in crisis and now does intensive therapy). You two need to schedule time for you and the kids.
There isn't a kid in the world (and this goes double for a teenager) who doesn't use the fact that both parents don't know what's going on with them to their advantage. We're talking cracks that little things fall through that turn into a chasm.
My H and I have a set time during the week where he calls me and I fill him in on what's going on with D's. It isn't just problem stuff (think pressure). I fill him in on alot of little things and we talk about upcoming plans the kids may have and what we think about their participation. I keep a list and have it handy come time for the call.
If you don't eat your dinner: you won't get dessert. you will go to bed.
Just examples.
A boundary example for your wife...no. Not yet.
An example of validation with your wife.
Wife- "You never listened to me." You - "I understand, I am sorry and I can see how you thought that, at times I didn't listen to you. I am aware of that failing."
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Somehow the two of you are going to have to figure out something with your kids.
Maybe this is what needs to be addressed with the therapist, not your relationship issues.
I have left messages and a text with the counselor to help with this and as usual have not heard anything back.
A note on Monday, a call Tuesday to call me back,I'm concerned, a text today,still concerned. Nothing. Again I am off of our relationship, I am talking about the kids.
Four bedrooms with a full finished basement, that is where my daughter is, now my w and d wouldn't like it, D is a huge mess maker and that's why she's in the basement. Or I could possibly stay with a friend in the neighborhood.
The other 3 bedrooms are main floor, but there is two living rooms.
