I've managed to maintain almost no communication at all, except for a few minor matters regarding the kids. My W brought movers to the house yesterday to move out the last of her things. I was surprised how that didn't bother me. I was relieved in fact, as her things had been hanging around in boxes for months and months. I was glad to have all that stuff gone so I can get the house organized and set up the way I want it. Very odd, she left me a bag of apples.
My W did call me after she moved the stuff to discuss our son, but when that was done she said my name, to which I replied "Yeah?", then she paused and said "Nothing... never mind." She is acting very unsure of herself every time I see her, which is uncharacteristic for her. When I picked up the kids last Sunday, she was acting like a school girl, nervous and self concious when she was talking to me. She nervously adjusted her clothes, and I said "What's wrong?" She said "I don't know, why are you looking at me like that?" I made a joke out of it and said "Like what? Should I look up at the sky when we talk?" I tilted my head back and kept talking. We both laughed. It occurred to me to make a move, like saying "Alright, this is ridiculous", taking her hand, and leading her to a private place out of view of the kids and going in for the "kill". I held back though. If this was any other woman, I would be absolutely certain she wanted me to do just that. She isn't any other woman though.
I think silence and time are my friends right now. The balance of power between us is in serious flux. I wonder if she wants me to give her some indication that I still want her and that I could forgive her. I can't be the one to initiate that conversation. She was the one who left, she was the one who said she doesn't love me anymore, she was the one who had the A. If she still wants a R with me, she has to find the courage inside herself to come to me and ask. Our previous R was degraded by me accommodating her insecurities, which led to where we are. If we are to have something new and better, that has to stop.
If anyone has any comments or advice, I'd love to hear it. I'm still stabbing in the dark, although I think there is a little light now.
