Al, you know though I am thinking just enough is enough. Why put myself through the emotional ringer? Is it better for me to just cut it/ him/ the whole experience from my life and move on.
Cas, it is that realisation part isn't it. There is no way that I would put up with any of this crap from anyone else but with him I seem to have some untold ability to torture myself.
(((Mishka))) thank you so much, your post brought tears to my eyes. That was such a lovely compliment. I really heard you when you said about wasting my time wondering about him.
I think the thing I worry about in the future is that now I have identified my faults (I can be high maintenance with men as I am not the demure sort!), if I am myself in the future will I push the next person away? I have read all the relationship books and the stuff you are and are not supposed to do and I have this paranoia that I will find a new relationship and I will be blindly going along and the same thing may happen again. Or I won't be blind and I will spend too much time looking for signs. I don't know if I could go through it again. I have an abject abhorrence of failure. I think that is my fear.
Kat and Mishka, fencing is so much fun although I am having trouble sitting down and standing up as my thigh muscles are killing me. I have to say, I don't think I am a natural fencer but I will work as it because I don't want to be crap . You have to wear these boob protectors under your suit and during my last lesson we had to practice 'thrusting' which was basically poking each other with the foils and the guy I was fencing with was embarrassed as he didn't know where to poke me so he kept getting my armpit which was quite painful. As I was wincing the woman next to me said to me in a really loud voice 'you are wearing the boob protectors aren't you!' and me and the bloke and the two blokes next to us ended up crying with laughter.
MsM, I will be that cool girl whatever life throws at me. My vow from this experience is that whatever life throws at me in the future I will never go back to the mess I was when h first left.
Nell, it was a long time before I saw the cowardice or acknowledged it. The key is to keep your dignity. I think that is so important for me anyway. It is the thing I think about before I act. 'Am I acting with dignity?'
. You have to wear these boob protectors under your suit and during my last lesson we had to practice 'thrusting' which was basically poking each other with the foils and the guy I was fencing with was embarrassed as he didn't know where to poke me so he kept getting my armpit which was quite painful. As I was wincing the woman next to me said to me in a really loud voice 'you are wearing the boob protectors aren't you!' and me and the bloke and the two blokes next to us ended up crying with laughter.
