The DB two step

[Rob1231]

Hi Doc, You do sound like you are 'getting it' - that is so great to hear! (And I am glad you decided to stay for that extra day!)

Let me make a suggestion. For a very, very long time, you have acted, and presented yourself to W, in the mode of dependent/ needing her for validation. That's what she has seen, that's what she expects to see, and that's what she will continue to see until you are consistently behaving differently.

TELLING her you are going to be changing is not valuable - in fact, it is probably worse because (intended or not) it causes her to raise her defenses. ("What is Doc up to now, and how is it going to really be about more demands upon me?") Don't TELL her, SHOW her by just going ahead and making those changes in yourself - become the detached, confident, happy person you want to be.

But here is the key: Do it entirely for yourself, not for the sake of the relationship. The whole point of differentiation, as I see it, is to reach the place where you are standing on your own two feet (to use the author's words) - and then THAT can result in you being more attractive and bringing new energy and confidence to your relationship. Focus on you first and foremost. Let the rest follow.