I think that down the road, he will reconnect fully w/your son. Right now, he's focusing on other things, things that have no bearing on you, your son or the relationship. He's off in the teen years and doesn't want to be bothered w/being an adult right now. As he progresses through the crisis, he will begin to reconnect and the reconnections will remain in place. What you've experienced are moments of sanity and not the real deal.
As he gets closer to the end of his crisis, that is when you'll be able to see just what type of man he will become. For now, he's still growing up and it's difficult to make any determination as to whether he'll be the man and/or father you want for your son later on. He's a work in progress at this time, or as I always say....he's not baked yet.
Keep the focus on you and your child for now. It's unfortunate that you have to pick up the slack, but you have to do it because your man is a child once again himself and cannot help you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks guys! Well, I`ve three kids-S14(who my therapist reckons is holding a lot of anger;I can`t see that though) S12 who`s the most likely to ask questions(and fed crap answers by H) and D9.
I`m observing H with each of them(or more usually, absenting himself from at the 3 of them) and the effects of same.
Apparently, at this age, it would be very useful for S12 and 14 to have an involved father figure. So I`m working on ways to get that.
This is nothing to do with DBing. The fact that H seems more dtermined than ever to separate means its actually part of my S plan to encourage his relationship with the kids so that he doesn
H more involved with the kids today. Spent quite a bit of time with the younger two at least and really seemed present with them too-from what I could tell, I deliberately left them to it.
H came up to my room to ask about DS12 and also asked how I was. I continued what I was at and said I was okay. I didnt elaborate, and didn`t ask him the same question as I am pretty sure he wanted to open up on that and I honestly didn`t think it was a good idea to go chipping at the wounds.
Anyway going to continue working on this weeks goals-common interests and getting H involved with the kids.
Currently reading Eckhart Tolle`s Stillness Speaks. Good one for acceptance, which I need a dose of right now
Well,focusing on smaller goals is part of what`s helping me see some progress at this stage.
H actually went out to pump up my flat bicycle tyre this am. Hadn`t even asked him to. Is that progress or am I reading too much into it? Seems in better form too-a little more talkative.
Anyway, I won`t hang my own mood onto his. I`m keeping with the plan-biking this pm, family history(our shared interest) and doing my meditation and prayers to keep me calm!
Is it progress towards what? I just take the nice stuff as nice stuff and don't attach anything to it other than that. Afterall,I am his kids Mom and I know the man likes me.
It's nice that he's was really involved with the kids. I know how much that means to all of them.
I'm glad you keep up on meditating. I know I find it really helpful. That and long walks/hikes.
You know, you are doing good. I like the way the therapist is headed as far as focusing on the kids. I think that is the most important thing, minimizing the damage for them. If we embrace them instead of shutting them out, it can actually be healing for us as well.
Meditation is great too because the stillness will give you the answers. Maybe not the answers you are looking for, but answers, none the less.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
