My parents do something to help my w out (eg after our youngest was born and I had to go back to work, they came and watched the older 2 sons for a week)
They expect a serious thank you.
They don't get it. I thank them, but not from Mrs. Thinker ("What! do they want a medal!!")
They are insulted and hurt. They don't say anything, but just hold onto that resentment....
----
It definitely is something we are going to have to work on together, and something she is going to have to admit, face and work on.
Gifts given with the expectation of repayment are not gifts, they are exchanges. A true gift is given for the pleasure of giving it. If grudges are held...well, I'm sorry, but it wasn't all that nicely or kindly given. My H used to be that martyr...it made me feel worse, but it also made me dig my feet in deeper to protect myself.
IMO, your parents have as big an issue as your W does. If they can't do something for W and your family (as you certainly benefited from their help in the home) without expecting something in return, they shouldn't do it. They WANT to be unhappy.
When you get to the point where you're addressing this with your W, be gentle and come to it from the perspective of I-statements. "When I do things to help you out and you don't thank me, I feel like I don't matter. I feel unappreciated." Not "You make me feel like I don't matter. You never..." It's a subtle difference, but given her defensiveness, it is a huge one.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
