If you get to see this message Orich, please stay strong through the next few months - this is also for others going for future weekends. Much like you, Retrouvaille was a near miracle that helped give me and my W a chance to save our M. However, as the facilitators are quick to remind, you often leave the weekend on a high, and can come crashing down amidst reality in the next few weeks, sometimes as quickly as the next day (as it did for me).
Remember, it gave you hope and new life, there will continue to be ups and downs but stay the course and hold onto the new strength and purpose you have found.
To echo this on another positive note, and hijack a bit I guess since Orich is out....here's my thing on Retrovaille.
Retrovaille also did wonders for us. But yes, you do have to do the follow up and they'll support you in that, which is great. Avail yourself of AS MUCH FOLLOW UP as you can... I find when we do the "program" (cannot think of a better way to say it but it's NOT a program, it's a new way of relating to each other and that's all I can really say b/c it's too hard to explain. But you are not forced to share openly or anything like that and there's no confessional type of stuff, FYI). Like a new healthy way of eating, don't fall off the wagon and think you'll stay fit.
We continue to do the sessions but were forced to miss one for mil's visit. (She's very ill.) And the stress of her visit AND the missing of the session did push us back some. We had to recognize that.
So if you somehow get your spouse there (and some folks got them to go by saying "even if we still Div, at least our divorce will go smoother by going to this weekend") just do so without a lot of expectation....but know YOU will do as the host couples ask and do the work. It'll show.
There were 25 couples at our weekend's start, and at the end of it, 23 said they had "a lot more hope for their M's" than they had before the weekend began. (I know I was very pleasantly surprised.) By the following month, there were 22 of us at the follow up session, including one of the "Still Not happy" couples, who had found that with a few weeks of trying the new things, they did feel closer, and one couple that "fell" out of the high did not come...so that kept it at 22 couples a month later. So out of the 25, seems to me we had a really good ratio of seriously improved R's.
Also saw couples there that HAD expected to leave/Div their spouses and "make it final" on Sunday night, But instead one woman said, "I think I'll UNpack and stay home..." and one guy who said "I don't know yet" on Sunday night, came to the follow ups weeks later, and seemed pretty upbeat... so who knows?
But the number of improved/possibly saved M's was much higher than 5%. Retrovaille has an impressive record, b/c 2 years after, the survey Retrovaille conducted recently, was answered by 2/3 of the participants. Of that 67%, 82% were still M, and reported having a satisfying M relationship.
(Doesn't mean the 1/3 who did not respond are all div or miserable, but even if it did, it's a lot higher success rate than some think. And remember, No one goes there b/c their M is perfectly functioning...I saw some couples with issues that are way harder than much of what we see here. Miracles do happen. I know this.)
I can say that imho, if you do as they show you, you'll make it. If you do it as they show and your spouse doesn't, you'll be a reminder of how it's done and your spouse knows this too as they were with you when you both learned....and I think that's powerful....
The other day I was really sharp tongued with h and hurt his feelings. Though I thought I had a good reason, and didn't "mean to hurt him" I could see I hurt his feelings and had been careless and insensitive. Retrovaille "enabled" me to apologize without fear of getting nuked in return, if that makes any sense. That talk lead to other insights and in the end, my comment lead to a really good discussion. Odd. But good.
Sure, if we all just meant and kept our vows, wouldn't we all just "make it"? Yes. But Sometimes we don't have the tools for it. That's what Retrovaille is for, so, that's my pitch. (Nope, I don't even get a commission. This isn't my new sales job.)
Orich, I'm so glad you've had a great experience as well, and God Bless you and your wife. Sometime if she's comfortable, maybe you can let everyone here know how you are.
Of all places, People here need to hear success stories. Maybe the happier we are, the less we post here... It's human nature, but it skews some perspectives. Good luck all, J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Great post 25. Even if Orich is gone, the others here will see. I agree. Hearing positive news IS helpful, even if one's own M is past reconcilable. Learning...is a good thing...not a failure. Cheers. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
