I got another email from H today. (I did not reply to the drunken one, of course.) He said he would try to write a more coherent reply this time. This email was quite lengthy, with perfect spelling and grammar, like he actually put some effort in to it.
He gave me some detail about his health issues and testing. Blood pressure and heart attack risk issues. Said he had been exercising much more.
He offered, without my asking, to help pay for some expensive dental work I have coming up. Don't know if that was him being thoughtful or him trying to alleviate some guilt.
He told me had dinner with a friend of his whom I had met years ago. His wife left him and the friend shared the "gruesome details" of his divorce.
H said he still hadn't decided whether to attend X event in the US in early October. Then he wrote, "I'm wondering if you are okay with my staying over here longer, or might even prefer it?"
He seems to now be considering that I might be glad to have him gone. Does that worry him or make him feel relieved?
Do I say much about his health problems (without sounding too wife-like)?
Should I say sorry to hear Mr. so & so 's divorce?
I'm thinking of making no, or little comment on what he shares with me about what he's doing and who he's seeing. (Funny, he hasn't mentioned the project with the women he was obsessed with.) When I start to feel bad about not telling him I've already rented an apartment, I remind myself of that fact.
I suspect the biggest factor in when he returns is whether he is making any headway with Ms. Unattainable. She probably hasn't outright shot him down, and maybe there are even some hopeful signs. In the meantime though, he wouldn't want to burn bridges with me I suppose.
Is this the time to say I guess I can get a dogsitter while I go out of town for a few days, if he isn't back? It sounds like the earliest he would return is the first week of October, and the latest . . . maybe never? It would be helpful to know when he will be returning. I am happy to stay in the house with the dogs until then.
How do I respond to this? How long do I wait to reply? Please help me gucci.
I think the less you say the better. I'm sure you're relative silence really has him guessing what's going on with you, but see, he still doesn't have the kahunas to ask. So it's a bunch of fishing around to see what you'll say.
I think you hit the nail on the head about him not wanting to burn any bridges. Keep his options open, so to speak. But the Dudess isn't anyone's back up plan.
It's odd to me that he would even wonder if I prefer that he stay over there. Isn't it obvious?
Here's a good rule of thumb:
If a woman doesn't want to be with you on a fabulous European vacation . . . she doesn't want to be with you anywhere.
Yes, I think he believes he is getting a penalty free shot at door #3. Do you think it is possible he thinks the cancelled vacation would have no effect on our relationship? I think there's a law that cancelling a vacation like that carries a minimum penalty of 6 months separation.
gucci said that the first stage when you start agreeing with them is relief. We saw that.
In the second stage they start testing to see if you will really let them go. is this stage 2?
And I hope gucci hasn't deserted us.
ETA: I don't really want him here, but I would prefer that over him being with someone else over there. These things aren't rational.
I think that's very rational. I do like to picture him getting shot down though.
That's interesting. I would say that rational would be hoping he would stay over there so I could stay in the house for as long as possible. I wouldn't care what (or who) he was doing.
You want to see him get shot down by me or her? (or both?). If she hasn't shut him down yet, I think it's risky to assume she will. She may be interested in him now even though she wasn't before.
I thought I'd do a tentative, rough draft of a reply to H. I tend to think the "I don't know" route is best now because if i say, I'm already gone, he may decide to just pursue what is in front of him. If any of you with WAW's read this, I'd be curious to know if it sounds like something your WAW might say. Here's the draft response to the "when he returns" issue:
So it sounds like the first week of Oct is the soonest you might return, or it could be several more weeks, or maybe months? You asked if that's okay with me and/or if prefer it?
I can't think of a particular reason right now why I would need you to come back by a certain time. I do want to get away for a few days in Oct, but I can get someone to watch the dogs if you won't be here.
As far as prefering that you stay over there longer, I don't really know how I feel right now. I mean, I really care about you and all that, but I have to say that the time apart has been good for me. I feel like I'm rediscovering parts of myself that I lost touch with these past few years and like I'm getting back to the woman I used to be, in a good way. I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm not sure I understand it myself.
I'm probably just rambling now and I have a lot to do today so I'd better get going.
I would shorten the email. I wouldn't put the first paragraph in to start with and definitely lose the last paragraph.
In your 3rd paragraph you need to alter it so you sound absolutely sure of yourself, I wouldn't be saying "I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm not sure I understand it myself".
You need to sound very definite in your feelings. So just revise it a bit to be less wordy, just straight to the point.
Shorten the email, get rid of all the I'm probably just rambling stuff, get rid of I don't know if this makes any sense. DO NOT marginalize yourself and your feelings. You are so bitchin' don't sell yourself short!
How about: So it sounds like the first week of Oct is the soonest you might return, or it could be several more weeks, or maybe months? You asked if that's okay with me and/or if prefer it?
I can't think of a particular reason right now why I would need you to come back by a certain time. I do want to get away for a few days in Oct, but I can get someone to watch the dogs if you won't be here.
As far as prefering that you stay over there longer, I don't really know how I feel right now. I really care about you and all that, but I have to say that the time apart has been good for me. I feel like I'm rediscovering parts of myself that I lost touch with these past few years and like I'm getting back to the woman I used to be, in a good way.
Things are good here (or positive phrase of your choosing about you and your life)
Best wishes,
Dudess
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Those three words really Dudess .... short, blunt, mysterious!!
Whatever you do, don't send it for at least 24hrs so that you get a chance to read it with fresh eyes. You can post it here too, of course, to give everyone a chance to add their 2 bobs worth!!
Good luck.
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 09/16/0910:17 PM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
He probably actually thinks that.]