WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

While you were married she didn't respect you. Quit chasing her. Create some space for yourself.

He is not chasing her.

In my mind it is important to differentiate between pursuing vs. doing what you want to do and doing it on your own terms.

CIPA has chosen to interact with his W. As long as he does it with confidence, indifference to outcome, and maintains the position that she is in the wrong and it is her loss, I think it's okay.

Am I pursuing/chasing her? I guess it comes down to my intentions of when I asked her to dinner.

From my perspective/intention, it had been to find a way to de-escallate the WWIII that we were heading towards. I did not ask her to dinner to "woo" her like I had before I found out the truth. In those dinners, it was more of a "date" where, during the last 2 dinners, we would wind up in 8th grade hook ups.

This time, I did it for me. To prove to myself that I can "spend" time with her and be the left behind spouse. This time, I felt like "me" - not CIPA or the LBS, but the man and father I know I am and can be.

Ironically she was dressed to impress - much more so than would have been expected at a 8 year old's b'day party. I did notice but did not "fawn" all over her or shower her with compliments like I had in the past.

My cousin had told me a while back as I am going through this craziness, that I need to approach this not like Sonny (from The Godfather), but more like Michael. But in the end of the day, I didn't do this because it's what Michael would have done nor is it what Sonny would have done, but it's what I wanted to do. My cousin reminded me of this again today.

Bottom line is that I felt like I needed to do what I did on Sunday for me. It wasn't to save my marriage nor for my boys, but for me. To prove to myself that I can and even when she drove away with the boys, my heart hurt again because I knew I wouldn't see my boys till Friday. But this time, it wasn't because I wouldn't see her till next week, like it had before I found out the truth.

So, I was able to treat her with open, honesty and respect on Sunday. I have treated her like I would want to be treated. So now it is up to her to make the next move, whatever that may be, the boys and I will be fine. This I know. This I believe

Survive to thrive.