Do I stop doing laundry and running errands for him and stuff like that? You also talked about the "tough love" way of not sharing him with another woman. How do I do that if he won't leave the house and I am not going to either. How do I live like that?
Every case is a little different. I don't know enough about your H or the situation yet, to know exactly what to tell you about doing errands and the laundry, etc. How do you feel when you do these chores? Do you enjoy it? How does he make you feel when you do it? In other words, if he shows any disrespect or makes you feel less than a very valuable jewel, then I would say to show him that you are not his servant. Otherwise, I would not change things if he is nice and appreciates it. If you get a job outside the home, then you need to expect him to pick up after himself and to do his part in the chores.
Respect is a very important part of the R and how your H will feel about you and treat you. It is up to you as to "how" your H will treat you.
When I spoke of "tough love" in an earlier post, I was actully talking about a different way of handling this situation. However, to a large degree, you have to use tough love in the way we have been discussing the divorce busting techniques. So, since you have decided to stay in the M, then I will talk from that point of view.
First, I have to talk about something very personal. Some LBS do not want to share their bed with their WAS and feel that they simply cannot continue to have sex with them if they are involved in an A. That is a very personal decision. It is your choice and what I may feel would be the right thing to do, may be completely opposite from what you desire. However, if you do decide to have sex with your H, please insist on using protection b/c if you don't....then you are having sex with the OW and the partners she's had. Something to consider. Some couples have a high sex drive and want that "release" and even feel that having sex draws them closer together. Some LBS do not have sex but continue to sleep in the same bed with their S. Again, that is your decision. If you feel that you cannot sleep in the same bed with your H, then you need to fix a room for you to sleep in (or couch or whatever). But, your children will know something is wrong, so that is another point to consider.
The part about "tough love" in this stitch, would be by drawing boundaries. Boundaries is for you and about you.....not him. It is what you can live with...and for how long.....not what you are holding over his head and using for control. For an example.......let's say that one thing that you can't live with is for your H to talk to OW on the phone in your presence. If he sends a text message or cell phone call to OW in front of you, then you say, "I certainly hope your are not contacting the OW in front of your W b/c that would be incredible disrespectful and I don't know that I can live with that." Now, whatever you say you must be prepared to back it up b/c he may call your bluff. what would you do if he said, "Well tough, I'm contacting her anyway!" What would be the consequenses for those disrespectful actions? I bet you make your kids suffer the consequenses for their bad decisions, don't you? In much of the same way, your H will have to do that. I'm not very good at describing the boundaries and I may have to get a buddy of mine to help out with this. The point is for you to decide what you will not tollerate and then stick to your guns. Of course, I realize that you don't want to tolerate an A, but you know what I'm trying to say? If you are going to hang in this MR then you have to have boundaries to respect. He must know what lines not to cross. If he chooses to cross those lines, then he needs to deal with the consequenses. He will treat you like a doormat if you don't teach him to show respect. You have to stand up for yourself and show some toughness.
If it were me.....I would not have sex with him as long as he is having sex with OW. If he wanted to make love, then that is when I would tell him that I will not share my H with another woman. I do not believe in an open marriage. Or, that..... I do not believe a M is for three people, but only two. You get the idea? Again, those are boundaries. I learned most of this from "Puppy Dog Tails" and he is very good at explaining how to set boundaries and keep them in tack. If you want, I could ask him to drop by and look at your posts. That is....if I can run him down. He's been very busy lately.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
