Update: Last week was my BD, H didn't do anything except give me a card at work the day after. He did call that day to say he was sorry that things were not right with us so that we could go out. It reminded of last year - we were separated only a month before he wanted to try to work things out again. He took me out for my BD and then complained about how hard it was to be separated. Some BD dinner.
Next week is our anniversary can't wait to go through that one. Last year we went out to dinner - get this - dutch! b/c he was having trouble making his paycheck stretch. More complaining. I couldn't wait to get home that night and was angry with myself for agreeing to pay half. I would have been better off alone that night. Guess that will be how it goes this year.
We are not any closer to resolving anything this time - MC tried to tell H that if he doesn't change things soon he is going to lose me. I didn't say a word - MC came up with that one all on his own. H tells me that he doesn't want to lose me but doesn't see how we are going to fix things.
Can't see how either since he has refused to talk to me outside of MC now - everytime we try to talk - we argue now. MC tried to explain that we both have been hurt and we are both ultra sensitive at this point and need to back off to regroup. H's interpretation is that MC is saying that we are too hurt to heal.
I have tried to stay strong on my own. I can't imagine a future without him but I am closer to letting go than ever. Everytime we talk lately, I can't let him in - I have never been this way before with anyone. Given his problems... I am allowing time to solidify things one way or another.
In the mean time, I have made plans to do some work on the house again vs buying - I can have more security this way and not lose no matter what happens with my M or the kids (though I can't imagine either moving back - unless the one marries while still in school). I just don't feel right buying another home without H input. If I do change my mind next year to sell - it will be worth more with these changes - though the financing part is a bit tricky.
Keep me in prayers so I can be ok and we can both heal and move on in our lives - whatever that turns out to be.
