Infidelity

[sandi2]

I am thinking that your "end goal" is to work to keep your M and to bust a divorce, am I correct? Sometimes, we all can get so caught up in the emotion of a stitch that we almost forget what this is all about, so I hope you really can stay focused. BTW, a "stitch" is a person's circumstances or their story. I think (lol). I had to learn all this lingo also, and not sure I have done that well.

The things your H told the kids doesn't mean anything other than he was trying to smooth things over so they would not be so hard on him. Most WAS (walk away spouse) with children of much age, will try to use those same lines as your H did. Don't worry about what he said. You have to understand something......your H will say a lot of stuff that doesn't mean anything. You have to learn not to believe anything he says--and very little of what he does. Have you read the DR book? I think Michele explains it in the book.

You cannot control anything that your H does, okay? The only person you can control is yourself. You will constantly be so upset that you'll be sick--if you try to control him--or if you worry over everything he says or does. Many LBS (left behind spouse) over-analyze every word that comes out of their S's mouth.....and it will cause your health to start giving you problems if you don't learn to let what he says run off off your back...just like water off a duck's back. No, it won't be easy, but you can gain a little bit more ground each day. Set those goals.

I am so proud that you "backed your ears" and applied for a job! That took a lot of courage! A job can be one source of building your self-esteem. If you feel like your self-confidence is fading......(and it may considering your H is having an A), then "fake it till you make it". Pretend that you are the woman you fantasize about being on that job. Have the "look" of self-confidence, and that goes a long way. Dress for success! However, dress for the job....whatever it may be. I find that whenever I know that I have done all I can to look the very best that I can for that day....taking in consideration what my job may be.....then I feel as if I can tackle things much better.

I have planned a weekend at the lake with my kids this weekend. do I invite him to go along or just take my kids?

You know, this would be a perfect opportunity to show your H how you can GAL (get a life) without him involved. I think that a break from him and all the drama would be good for you & the kids, don't you? So, I would act as if you didn't "expect" him to go.....or rather.. that you never even "thought" about him going along. The trick is to not show him that you are desiring him to be with you for the weekend. Just act as if you are going to have a great time and really don't care what he does. That may get his attention.....or it may not. You have been pressuring him a lot lately, so he may notice that you have suddenly backed off......and more than likely, he'll notice, but he may not say anything. Never.....NEVER expect him to say or react a certain way about anything you do. That can become a pressure cooker if you start wondering what he is thinking.

A person wants what they can't have. That is why the A with OW is so enticing. We humans also don't want someone who is smothering us with their attention. But whenever that person pulls back...."then" we want to be with them. Crazy, isn't it? But that is how people are! Therefore, you have to learn how to detach or pull back from your H. That is not to say you are to be "cold" or act mad. Remember you are to show how up-beat you are, so never act as if you are sulled, angry, pouting, etc. You act as if everything is just fine and dandy with you (even if you don't actually feel that way). You don't press him with your constant conversation. You don't nag about anything! You don't whine, feel sorry for yourself, or get in a "mood". You want to be a woman that any man would love to be around. No man wants to be around a woman who is acting all needy, clingy, whiney, nagging, b*thcy, or "desparate". Men can spot desparation a mile away and they take off running. What will be hard for you is to stop acting like a "wife". Stop talking like his "wife". Stop treating him as if he is your husband. Instead, talk to him and treat him as if he was a co-worker or a neighbor. This may sound crazy right now, but it takes time to put all this together. Too much to tell all at one time, so you'll have to trust me about some of this. Anyway, if you can stop treating him like a husband and treat him like he was just a neighbor then you will be able to give him the space he wants and to stop acting as if you are a clinging vine on him. It will help you look more pleasing to him--and he'll begin to relax more when he goes home. He won't dread facing you and thinking that you are going to start asking him about what he's been doing or who he has seen, etc.

Never, ever ask him where he's been or what he's been doing, etc.....no matter how late he comes home. Never wait up for him, no matter how late it is. If it is late, then lock all the doors (if he forgot his key then that's even better) and turn off the outside lights and all the inside lights and go to bed! Don't show that you were even thinking about him not being there. If he comes in, don't let him know you are awake (if you are), but pretend to sleep and don't wake up. If you were always the type to fret over him, then it is time for that to cease! He will finally wonder why you aren't fretting over him the way you use to do. He will begin to want you to notice him more. Remember, we want what we can't have.

Become unavailable to him. Like this weekend.......you will be unavailable to him (unless he tags along). BTW, if he asks if he can go, just shrug your shoulders and say, "Sure, if you want to".....and then quickly change your attention to something else. Always act as if you are involved with something else so it doesn't imply you are hanging onto every word or deed he does. Act distracted. This may sound like game playing, but what it does is to cause you to stop being the way you are right now, and help you to become much more interesting to him. You want to do what Michele calls a 180 turn. It will be different from what he has been used to seeing you do or say......and it will be nice. The two of you have been together a long time, and you don't want him to change women.....so you just need to change things up a bit. We all get into slumps from time to time. Right now, he is very distracted by this OW and you want to get his attention away from her and back onto you. You realize that you can't continue to do what you've been doing lately b/c that sure hasn't worked, and it never does.

Anyway....if he decides to go along this weekend, don't give him your undivided attention, but stay busy doing things you enjoy doing and let him fend for himself. However, remember not to be rude or cold toward him and be charming, gracful, and turn the personality on whenever you are around him. Will there be other people there?

He refuses to leave the house. He says it is HIS house and he paid for it

Yeah, that kind of talk just turns me off! The best way to handle it is to walk out of the room and don't give him the satisfaction of having your attention. Get busy doing something else and don't get into a R (relationship)talk. Never stoop to getting into arguments with him about this sort of thing. If you've decided to stay in the M, then simply refuse to discuss the house or anthing else that the two of you have talked about lately. If he starts talking about a divorce, just say that is not what you want but that you won't stand in his way if he persists. (But, you'll have to be ready to back that statement up....or don't say it.) Don't agree to filing or a separation or anthing else. Don't get into a fight, just walk away.

If your H thought that you were tired of him and wanted to be free so that you could date other men.....he would nearly die trying to win you back! Do you relalize that? Human nature! You are probably too afraid to take that chance....just as many LBS are.....but everytime a spouse thinks that "they" are being dumped, their song suddenly changes! I'm not telling you to start dating or anything like that.....I'm only making a point. It is all about attitude. Attitude is everything. You can win him or lose him with your attitude.

You asked me if I knew how to become unavailable and play hard to get? I really don't know how to do that.

Did you ever do that in high school? Did you ever have a crush on a boy who you wanted to get his attention, but you knew you could not afford to act eager or he would not consider liking you? It goes back to what we can't have. If girls act as if they don't care about the boy, then he sees that as a "challenge" and of course, he wants the girl he can't have. Boys don't want the girl that is all over him and offering herself up for him......he wants that girl that he has to pursue. That is the way God made him, but somewhere girls lost that concept, which is very sad. So....how can you be hard to get in your MR at this time? Is that what you are asking? We have talked about you waiting for him to make the phone calls, etc. When he does call, let it ring about three times before you answer so you'll appear to be involved in something interesting......but if he asks what you are doing....you can be a little mysterious (without lying) and move on to why he called. Sometimes, you might choose to not be home when he calls or not answer your cell when he calls. Let it go to voice mail. Be that girls that doesn't show how "eager" you are to hear from him.

Another way is to get a life (GAL). Interesting people are people who have a life! Your H is bored with his life at home and with you (to be very plain spoken about it). That is the symptom of a WAH. So, you must find things that you enjoy doing that gets you involved in "life". That makes you interesting, plus it does so much for "you" as an individual. You need to enjoy things and stop pouring every single ounce of yourself into your H. I know this all may sound terrible to your ears, but this is the route you have to take to get things back on track. You never want to stop doing what works. Whatever works... that is what you want to contine to do after you reconcile.

So, what other ways can you think of that would help to keep you unavailable? Is there something you can do sometimes in the evenings that would take you away from the house for awhile? I bet you can think of things to do with your daughter. However, you want to do things that don't just involved your kids. You need some adult time with friends. DR also suggests that you be a little mysterious. Don't cheat or lie. Don't do anthing that goes against your moral or religious beliefs. But we women get into a habit of telling out H's about every single move we've made all day long. Maybe just being a little quiet would make him wonder. If he saw you sitting there thinking to yourself with a little smile on your face......would he wonder? If he asked you, all you would say is, "Oh nothing". That would be the truth, right? Maybe you go out to the movies with a girlfriend. Your H wants the details and you choose not to give him every single detail. Why should you? Is he telling you every detail about his affair? You can just say, "Oh, I just spent the evening with a friend" or " I went to the movies with a friend".....but you don't have to tell him "who" the friend is......you could just smile and walk away. If you don't like doing that, then you could go out to the mall and window shop, but you could be out later than usual. When he asks, you tell him the truth, you tell him you were at the mall. Okay?

I may be giving you too much too quickly. Don't think I'm suggesting you pretend that you are having an affair yourself! I don't mean that at all. I'm just trying to give you some ideas on how to be a little mysterious and something "different" from what he is use to seeing in you.

Maybe I need to stop here and start another post to answer the rest that you talked about.