Agreed PMA, except he had closed the door after he found out how bad her deceit was. He barely communicated with her, couldn't be around her, had a go-between for handing off the children, etc. He just showed her he could be civil.
Now the next step is up to her. And the lighthearted texting is hardly enough of a step. Words aren't enough; lets watch what the woman does.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
In my mind it is important to differentiate between pursuing vs. doing what you want to do and doing it on your own terms.
CIPA has chosen to interact with his W. As long as he does it with confidence, indifference to outcome, and maintains the position that she is in the wrong and it is her loss, I think it's okay.
However, it is important that she is not permitted to cake eat. I see this as not being available to her 90% of the time. I don't think it hurts for her to get a taste of what she is losing. She does need to believe she's losing it though, in order for the tables to be turned.
To me it's all in how CIPA goes about it, and only he can control that.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
He did shut the door, slammed it as a matter of fact when he flat out told her about things in her mouth and because of that she had no right to any part of him and she was nothing more than a street walker. He went incredibly hard on her. And she deserved every word of it.
BUT if someone said all of that to me, true or not, I would def. not try to talk to them more over think he was interested in reconciliation.
He had to "warm up" just a tad to her. A couple of smiles, weeks after he slammed her cheating ass was a good start to let her think "hey, maybe he doesn't hate me completely" and see where things could go from there.
He has detached. For weeks his only contact with her has been tactical and dealing with the children. He's even had friends and family do the actual exchange on Sundays.
And maybe I remember it better, but she has done things to pursue, just a tad. She sent him the job, AT HER COMPANY, she has started to send silly texts about nothing and for no reason. She's trying to gauge him, that's probably better of a term vs. pursuing.
He did shut the door, slammed it as a matter of fact when he flat out told her about things in her mouth and because of that she had no right to any part of him and she was nothing more than a street walker. He went incredibly hard on her. And she deserved every word of it.
No that is righteous anger coming out. His wife betrayed him. never communicated any door was closed. CIPA expressed his hurt.
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BUT if someone said all of that to me, true or not, I would def. not try to talk to them more over think he was interested in reconciliation.
No comprende.
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He had to "warm up" just a tad to her.
Why do you think anybody has to do anything?
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a good start to let her think "hey, maybe he doesn't hate me completely" and see where things could go from there.
So we should mind read for our WAS's now? Her feelings are not CIPA's responsiblity.
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He has detached.
Really? Go back and read from Friday.
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For weeks his only contact with her has been tactical and dealing with the children.
That's just the start to one part of detaching.
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she has started to send silly texts about nothing and for no reason
So? Could it be because she just got dumped by OM? Could it be she is afraid she might have to face the music in court? Doesn't matter.
This all could be good news. I don't know. A band-aid won't heal this.
CIPA, What would a new and healthy marriage look like for you? What do you need from your wife to trust again? What part of the marriage failing have you worked on? Take your time on this. I have been following your thread from the beginning. I don't believe you have detached. Decide what you want now for yourself. You have been trying so hard to fix things from the beginning. I get drained reading your sitch. I can imagine that you must be emotionally whipped. Take some time for yourself. "Love your neighbor as yourself." Get yourself to a place physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually where you can make wise decisions for yourself. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
C - I think you did great on Sunday except for asking her out on a date. It's too soon. Especially since she hasn't pursued you at all. I know it's hard to not want to try, but the ball is in her court.
Stay strong and remember you deserve better... hopefully it will come from her or she will regret it soon...
PMA
Not sure if I would really consider going out to dinner last Sunday as a date, but I can see how it could be see as such. My true intentions had been to work out a way to avoid this thing between us spiraling out of control into WWIII. I believe I have accomplished that.
She did send me an email last week lamenting about how she expected us both to go to the B'day party when I haven't wanted to talk to her nor do anything together.
Perhaps another motive had been that I wanted to prove to myself, as well as show her, that I can do both if I choose to. I have done that.
Now the next move will be up to her to decide if we will again. If she asks, I will need to decide if I have any reason to do so.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Fortunately Coach, I feel no need to explain myself to you. Do/say what you want, but maybe you need a reminder, most people are here to see if they can save their marriages at best. Minimum have a normal relationship with someone they have to raise children with.
No one here can tell another to write off their spouse, no matter how much you don't like it or don't like how they are being treated by the WAS. Ultimately, it's everyone's personal decision.
And I've learned first hand what a great man CIPA really is. It takes a great person to even want to acknowledge their spouse after something like this. I know he wants to make sure he's doing the right thing....and no one knows what that is and won't until it's all said and done one way or another.
Attacking me won't stop me from being there for CIPA.
geez ..do I have to be a referee around here or what.
We are all fine people on here with various views and various menas and methods for getting across and sharing those views. We are all commonly grounded in a steadfast desire to heal our M's or the R with a former S.
May there be peace, compassion and understanding.
And if anyone would like a real, real good book reference, I seem to have lost where I wrote it down at but it is a simple title and a simple and poignant book for the ages on M's. I am almost certain even without my crib notes that the gem that I found in my local library (where it seems I almost live ..another story for another time ..) is called The Twelve Gifts of Marriage by a woman by the last name Costanzo. It was put out by HarperCollins in 2005 and it is right up my alley cuz it is the size of a pre-kindergartners book and has nice pics. It is incredibly well-done and what a message it delivers. If I should be invited to any weddings in the short or long term it would make a most fitting gift for the newlyweds.
another reason why so many stupid arguments develope on here is cuz written (typed) word hardly does much justice to the conveyance of many messages. It is extremely limited and it is very very subject to misinterpretation. Exhibit A TM's. I very nearly refuse to participate in that world of minly nonsense.
While you were married she didn't respect you. Quit chasing her. Create some space for yourself.
Originally Posted By: Stronger
He is not chasing her.
Originally Posted By: spellfire
In my mind it is important to differentiate between pursuing vs. doing what you want to do and doing it on your own terms.
CIPA has chosen to interact with his W. As long as he does it with confidence, indifference to outcome, and maintains the position that she is in the wrong and it is her loss, I think it's okay.
Am I pursuing/chasing her? I guess it comes down to my intentions of when I asked her to dinner.
From my perspective/intention, it had been to find a way to de-escallate the WWIII that we were heading towards. I did not ask her to dinner to "woo" her like I had before I found out the truth. In those dinners, it was more of a "date" where, during the last 2 dinners, we would wind up in 8th grade hook ups.
This time, I did it for me. To prove to myself that I can "spend" time with her and be the left behind spouse. This time, I felt like "me" - not CIPA or the LBS, but the man and father I know I am and can be.
Ironically she was dressed to impress - much more so than would have been expected at a 8 year old's b'day party. I did notice but did not "fawn" all over her or shower her with compliments like I had in the past.
My cousin had told me a while back as I am going through this craziness, that I need to approach this not like Sonny (from The Godfather), but more like Michael. But in the end of the day, I didn't do this because it's what Michael would have done nor is it what Sonny would have done, but it's what I wanted to do. My cousin reminded me of this again today.
Bottom line is that I felt like I needed to do what I did on Sunday for me. It wasn't to save my marriage nor for my boys, but for me. To prove to myself that I can and even when she drove away with the boys, my heart hurt again because I knew I wouldn't see my boys till Friday. But this time, it wasn't because I wouldn't see her till next week, like it had before I found out the truth.
So, I was able to treat her with open, honesty and respect on Sunday. I have treated her like I would want to be treated. So now it is up to her to make the next move, whatever that may be, the boys and I will be fine. This I know. This I believe
Survive to thrive.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
