Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[Hope4us]

Gotcha.

I would bet there have been some WAW's that have commented on your thread before, but it was an EA or PA or both and she still works with OM, it will be very hard for her to break the hold he has on her.

How did the EA end?

My W still goes through periods of daydreaming. I don't try to figure them out (at least I try not to try) as it could be a number of things. Could it be she's daydreaming about what her life could have been with OM? Sure. But it also could be a lot of other things too. Maybe she's thinking about what she almost lost? Maybe it's nothing.

Or maybe she's deep in thought because she wants to come back to the marriage, but there's all these conflicting emotions in her. Point is, you don't know unless she tells you.

I was there with the mood swings and all. And it seemed like in my sitch, I started getting somewhere when I would call her on being a bi*ch and then just go about my day. I wasn't nasty or anything, but I would point out that she was being that way and if it was an issue with me, tell me what it was, and if not, I'd appreciate it if she would not take whatever's bugging her out on me or the kids. I got a lot of angry looks and some periods of her not talking to me, but most times she would come around fairly soon.

If the A's been over for a year and your W hasn't left yet and you're seeing glimpses of her old self, keep doing what you're doing. Like I mentioned in my sitch, it was about 14 months after the A ended that my W really started to come around.

[MrBond]

Things are changing and not for the better.

Well these past couple of weeks I noticed my W was withdrawing and her mood swings had intensified. I told her I would appreciate if she would stop talking down to me and that if she needed to talk to someone, she could always talk to me.

So I noticed yesterday she was especially quiet. I asked her if there was OM and she said there wasn't but that she had alot on her mind. I reminded her that she could always talk to me if she wanted and left it at that.

Right now she's been doing some things that lead me to believe she's going to end it soon. I think that sense of independence and living alone is getting to her and she wants to be "free". Or at least that's the vibe I'm getting from her.

Things were going really well for awhile there. I wonder why the sudden change. We haven't been confrontational or argumentative and when I asked her if there was anything I had done to get her angry, she said 'no'.

I don't know why it's hitting me hard today. I actually felt nauseous at the thought of her leaving again. Total backslide.

I wonder if this is the MLC feeling kicking in. I continue to give her space and time alone and GAL.

[MrBond]

Thanks H4U.

Right now I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing.

Did you have periods where you thought for sure your W was going to leave because of the way she acted?

[Hope4us]

Um....yes, like a whole year of thinking that.

Some times were more intense, some times less.

If she's got a lot to think about, let her. You can't change or control what she's going to do can you?

Even 8 months after my W's A ended she still couldn't tell me that she even wanted to "try".

There were periods where even after we'd ML and had some really good weeks where she would pull back and spend 2 or 3 days VERY quiet and staring out the windows etc. Then she'd slowly come around. I tried my hardest to give her the space she needed.

Look, I know it sucks and I know how hard it is as a guy to not fix stuff, but you can't fix it for her. She has to figure this out on her own. Will it be the way you want it to turn out? Maybe, maybe not.

Just because she's down doesn't mean she's planning on leaving. Could be she is, but the point is, you don't know. So don't let it affect your mood when you're with her. You called her on it, now leave it be and give her the space she wants/needs.

If you give her the space she needs, two good things happen. She recognizes you aren't pushing her and second, she see's you GAL and not reacting to her every mood and that makes her wonder.

Keep your chin up. I found I made the most progress when I figured out I wanted to be with her, but I didn't need to be with her.

[MrBond]

Thanks again H4U.

That's the point I'm at now. I was doing pretty well and I think this was the first major setback I've had. I guess because her behavior seemed like such a 180.

[K4D]

Not that my opinion means a hill of beans, but I think you are doing all you can do. I agree with Hope4us. And I don't think you majorly backslided at all. That was just a small step and probably a natural one with as far along as you have come with her. What you were doing seemed to be working so keep doing it like you were. Ugg these things take time and patience.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Thanks Kevin for the words of encouragement.

See we all backslide sometimes.

H4U, I am curious though. What do you think would have happened in your sitch if you dated someone while your W was in her fog?

[Hope4us]

I have no idea what would have happened if I'd have dated someone, but I wouldn't have gone there because it was against my own convictions.

Now that doesn't mean my W didn't wonder if I was seeing someone because once or twice a week I would go out and I rarely told her where I was going or what I was doing. Most of the time I'd just go to a sports bar that has those trivia games and sit at the bar, have some dinner and play the game. And if I'd wanted to go there, I had a number of opportunities to get my manly needs taken care of by some women I met. But I wouldn't go there. Don't get me wrong. It was a great ego boost to have an attractive woman hit on me, but that's as far as it went. I continued doing this without telling her where I was going until she started to actually warm up to me 3 months or so after I'd exposed to the kids and our S17's shredding of her ended the A.

I will tell you a funny story. The first time I just took off and went out by myself while the A was still physical, it really had my W thinking. The next day I took a look at her cell phone while she was in the shower and her and OM were trading TM's like crazy. What's the dikhead doing? Where's he at? He's probably paying a hooker. He's probably got a girlfriend.

LOL. It cracked me up. They have a PA for 9 months and I go out to dinner by myself and immediately I'm cheating on her. Guess people in that kind of deal think everyone does it.

I guess the point is, you don't have to actually date someone to make her wonder. If she'd have ever asked me, I'd have told her the truth. But if she didn't want to ask, I wasn't going to tell her.

And now when W and I go to that sports bar and the hot bar maids talk to me by name and smile and laugh with me, I'm sure she wonders, but she still hasn't asked me a thing about what I was doing when I'd go out.

I think you've probably had this advise before and have read it here before, but if you do things to GAL and the WAS thinks you're moving on without them, it can have an affect on their thinking.

[MrBond]

Journaling.

Well my W was in a real pissed off mood last night. Why? I have no idea. So I kept things light last night and after she and my Ds went to bed I went to the gym to workout.

This morning I sent her this message:

W,

About yesterday. you appeared to be in a bad mood about something. I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but you seemed so angry, I assumed something was bothering you.

I cannot stop you from feeling anger and frustration. However, I am not happy when you project your unhappiness onto me and the girls. You know that's what you're doing and it's not fair to those of us who love and care for you.

I hope today is going better for you.

And that's that. So thanks Hope4Us for the calling her out on it. I'll see how she is when I get home tonight to see if she stays pissed or not.

I can see that she's "cycling" through her crisis and is back to the anger phase. I no longer am affected by her moods and actually see her as a child throwing a tantrum. I just sit back and watch the show.

[MrBond]

Well my W gave me the news that she contacted a L and is proceeding with a D. I'm deciding what to do next.